A song to say goodbye

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you..." Jeremiah 1:5

Proverbs 1:7

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge,
       but fools despise wisdom and discipline.

I wish I could learn my lessons quickly and not have to deal with the consequences at a much later time. It appears to be a repeating behavior. My lack of impulse control paired with blatant disregard for those around me has time and again placed me in the lowest of positions, a grave if you will. It is disgusting the kind of prayers I whisper to God when I face my rude awakenings: Please, Lord, if You can just get me out of this one I promise I will be a changed person...Then of course when things don't pan out the way I had hoped, I view God disdainfully, believing Him to be a just yet unmerciful God who ensures that I pay for my sins to the fullest extent. I am utterly horrified with my own actions, my uncanny ability to scorn God when I have to 'pay' for my mistakes and my astonishing blindness to His glory and blessings. Even I know the likes of me are considered foolish. In all seriousness, I am desperate for a change in my character. At this time, absolutely nothing else holds greater bearing.

So old, so cold

Happy birthday to my darling husband! On this day twenty-something years ago, your testicles dropped from your heart.

Baby, what a year this has been. I need you to know strong you have been for the both of us, how you've kept us afloat. I can't express in words just how blessed I am to be your wifey.

Things to look forward to in 2010-2011:

1. My employment
2. Your graduation
3. Travel 

We're golden!

Go and make disciples

October

The long months of waiting are finally over! I am employed! Hallelujah! I will be working on the Neuro stepdown unit at The Medical Center of Plano beginning October 18. What a blessing! And what more, the hospital is only 10 minutes away from my house! I'm overjoyed and thankful to all the supportive people who have lifted their prayers for me. God's timing is so utterly perfect that it knocks the wind right out of me.

My parents are in town now, which has been most pleasant. They will be preparing to leave for Indonesia as soon as their visas come in from the Indonesian Embassy in Washington D.C. One aspect I'm especially happy about is that my mom has been cooking for us.

October is Danish's favorite month. Not only is his birthday coming up on the 12th, but the cool weather brings much relief from the Texas heat, there's football, bustling activity, I'll be working, Halloween, and lots of outdoor activities - bike rides, frisbee, dog parks, long walks! Just two weeks ago, I was mournful of summer leaving...I had been listening to songs which I felt captured the sadness and loneliness one may feel as the remnants of a golden summer slip away, only to turn into a forlorn fall. I still had faith that God would provide and things would be alright even if I didn't have a job. But my, my what a refreshing change it is to no longer feel the anxiety of inevitable change and involuntary forward motion that fall usually brings. I know, I'm quite dramatic.

Flame ball lie

My student Eric and I watched this video and decided to give the experiment a try. It did not work.

Orange flowers

I am in dire need of a camera. We have a new puppy named Bella who is the funniest-looking mini schnauzer I have ever seen. Danish and I attended an extreme midget wrestling match which, aside from being kind of creepy, was very humorous and entertaining. I went to the Improv club to see Flip Orley, a hypnotist. After little persuasion from my friends, I volunteered to be on stage with 10 other people to be hypnotized. It didn't work and he was not funny. Danish and I saw the Pixies at Verizon Theatre, which was utterly fantastic. I really would like to take pictures for memories' sake.

Bella

Meet the newest addition to our family. Tank is not very pleased.

I like to pee on the carpet

 

This has been quite the long road

Rediscovering You

Tomorrow is the last day I have to study before the big test. I wonder if I really know this material! All I'm certain of is that I've received a degree which has prepared me to pass this exam, God-willing. I still have a flurry of emotions going through me. I hope I make a difference in the future...I mean down the line, you know? I want to make a difference and do great things, save lives. For God's glory...right? Why is it so hard for people to see God's glory? I guess I'm just tired and mentally/emotionally/spiritually drained - perfect formula for worry and despair to creep in. I need to let tomorrow worry about itself. Goodnight.

This week

A whole week of studying and not working has flown by. Only 5 more days of studying until my big test! In other news, Danish had a bland week of pacing around the house and not working. Due to his boredom, he would find little things to keep himself occupied - one being fixing the computer from being slow. He's been working on remedying the situation to no avail. I feel bad that the week he has taken off was quite uneventful and unexciting and soon he will return to work and school again. Le sigh.

Tank went to the vet to get his get his shots, teeth cleaned, and have a mole removed from his back. Poor baby.  

Tank groggy from the anesthsia

Tankenstein

Tonight, Danish and I are Denton bound to see Sundress, Ringo Deathstarr, and Sans Soleil at Dan's Silverleaf. It should be a great time...considering our customary trip to Fuzzy's! Ahh, life.

Danish's week off

I am currently watching Futurama with Danish and chillin' to the max. We got back from a very eventful weekend trip to Austin late last night. My brother was excited to return to UT and we spent the greater part of Saturday helping him get settled, buying groceries, and taking him out to eat at Torchy's Tacos. I ordered a Migas Taco (eggs, green chilies, crisp corn tortillas, pico de gallo, avocado, and shredded cheese on flour tortilla) and The Democrat (shredded beef barbacoa and onions, topped off with fresh avocado, queso fresco, cilantro and a lime wedge served on a corn tortilla with green salsa). I didn't think I could finish them as the tacos were very compact, but I devoured them.

Later that night we rode the bus to Trudy's. Apparently they are famous for their Mexican Martinis, served in a full-sized shaker and each patron is cut off at two. I could only handle one.

The next morning, we attended service at The Austin Stone with my brother and his friend. The message was awesome and the change of scenery much appreciated. The message was about how Jesus, although fully God, took on the flesh of man and faced every temptation yet did not sin. Because of this, He is able to sympathize alongside us and is ready and willing to offer us guidance when we ask for it. "Now that we know what we have - Jesus, this great High Priest with ready access to God - let's not let it slip through our fingers. We don't have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He's been through weakness and testing, experienced it all - all but the sin. So let's walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help." Hebrews 4:14-16.

After church, we had lunch at Madam Mam's; I ordered the Guay Teaw Nuer Puey - stew beef slices with with rice vermicelli in beef soup. It was so yummy, and I added a lot of chilli sauce which gave it a nice kick. We said goodbye to my brother and his friend; it was bittersweet as I was hopeful that he would do well in school and maintain integrity - I felt like my parents. We then went swimming at Barton Springs, a natural spring constructed into what looks like a giant swimming pool. The water was so refreshing! I can see how my friends wouldn't want to swim in it due to the abundant aquatic life in the water, but that summer scorch was definitely extinguished in that frigid water. I think I am usually feverish for no reason (perpetual PMS), so cooling down by immersing my entire body in that water was the perfect remedy for the day's high temperature.

Swimming brought upon an appetite which was satisfied by some Texas home cooking from Hoover's Cooking. The Red, White, & Bleu burger was juicy and huge, and the Jalapeno Creamed Spinach was so rich and flavorful. A pleasant eatery ending to a weekend of good eats and fun activities. We headed back to Dallas and arrived home at precisely 11:30pm. The only rude encounter before finally going to bed was the disgusting cockroach hanging on the shower curtain when I went into the bathroom to pee. By the time I had woken Danish up and equipped him with the roach spray, the little vermin was nowhere to be found. He liberally sprayed the corners and edges anyway to quiet my uneasiness. I. Hate. Cockroaches.

I have some good news! I've been cleared to take my NCLEX! Praise God. I've scheduled my test for Thursday, September 2 - the soonest date possible. I've never been so ready to get my license...I am almost a Registered Nurse. First I couldn't imagine the day I would graduate nursing school (let alone college); now the prospect of being a real nurse is presently blowing my mind. I'm so thankful!

Leo & Joy

I have a student I tutor twice and week and he recently got a puppy...this is a bad thing because his family has a hard time making ends meet as it is. It seems a bit much for them to decide to take care of another 'child' in their tiny apartment...it's a bit much for me. Well, the puppy keeps growing and it pains me to see it cramped up in his original tiny puppy kennel.

I have another student in the exact same situation who also got a puppy! Apparently the puppy caught a cold and the vet bill came out to be $600. I know they can't afford that. These boys are great kids, but I just don't see them caring for the dogs as intimately as I'd imagine a girl would. Or maybe they can.

I think what's happened is that these hard-working parents realized they aren't spending enough time with their only child and got them puppies in hopes to appease their boredom/loneliness. But the summer is over now...who will take care of these puppies? I hope they find them good homes. They are not incompetent people by any means; some people are just not cut out to own pets.

Back

I hurt my back trying to pick Danish up this weekend. Not sure what compelled me to do so, I think I was just being silly. You're not even trying, he said. I think I made the classic mistake of locking my knees and jerking my back. Needless to say, his 195lb frame did not budge while I keeled over in shock and pain.

I was told I can't just 'create' food and that the whole family would benefit from my following a recipe. The glutinous entity in the crock pot is my rendition of a rice casserole. It's really not that bad...add a little sriracha sauce, the chicken is quite flavorful, not bad at all. It's just that I made so much of it. I'm looking at the receipt from last night's grocery store trip: sandwich things, hot dogs, alfredo sauce, nectarines, frozen chicken, frozen pizzas, and tampons. Luckily my sister often picks things up from the store and also makes dinners a few times a week.

Back to studying and work!

Prayer

Tonight, I've been awakened to the profound meaning of prayer - praying, knowing God listens. I admit to praying while simultaneously doubting whether my words ever reach God, or if they are merely bouncing off the ceiling and walls. Not only so, but having prayers answered immediately seems so unlikely that I could see how one could believe it is but coincidence when circumstances change for the better. I hope you can agree with me that it would be ridiculous for man to serve a god who is much like a gumball machine, where you drop in a coin and get a gumball. Furthermore, how are we certain that we always know what is best for us? The last time I acted on what I thought was best for me, I landed in the slammer. With that being said, there is not one prayer God leaves unaddressed - the only thing is they are answered at the proper time.

Because I have no intentions of producing offspring just yet, I have no idea how disheartening it would be to be barren. A character in the Bible named Elizabeth was barren. In those days, a woman's value was largely measured by her ability to bear children; therefore, to be aging and without children often led to personal hardship and public shame. Nevertheless, even during this time, she and her husband Zechariah remained faithful and blameless (blameless does not mean sinless, but that they were free from willful sins - intentional sins). Zechariah, being a prist, was often experiencing God in ways that perhaps Elizabeth could not, possibly leaving her very lonely. One day, an angel appeared to Zechariah telling him Elizabeth will bear a child in her old age and they were to name the baby John, who will eventually become the messenger for Jesus. When Zechariah expressed disbelief, the angel responded with, "...it will come true at their proper time" (Luke 1:20). Sure enough, John came into the picture and paved the way for Jesus' arrival.

I relate to the heavy feeling of frustration and diappointment when things that seem to come easily to others doesn't come easily to me. For example, it seems unfair when a coke addict becomes pregnant then abandons her baby in an elevator, while a loving, nurturing woman finds herself barren. Or when a person who has been praying for very a long time to meet the right person sees their friend, who prayed all but 30 minutes, walk down the aisle. In my case, I struggle with the fact that I am still without a job. This is petty, but truth be told I've Facebook blocked everyone I've gone to nursing school with because I don't particularly want to see their status updates about their new jobs. I'm happy for them, but at the same time I get a sick feeling in my stomach.

However, the story of Elizabeth and Zechariah encourages me to remain faithful in prayer during this waiting period. I love that prayer is what characterizes my relationship with God. What separates us from God is but this natural world, a thin veil that will be lifted in the end. God answers in the proper time...when I get a job, it will be because He willed for it to occur at the exact time that will fulfill my purpose. And God never receives more glory than when we can say beyond question, "The Lord has done this for me."

Garlic

Isn't garlic good for your heart? I'm having a bowl of crock pot chicken stew at the moment, and somewhat procrastinating on the call-backs I have to make for all the voice mails I've reached this week. Drag!

I went to happy hour last night with the girls to celebrate Meagan's homecoming from the Phillipines. I'm impressed at the way she has changed - her perspective of Southeast Asia. She originally had her reservations in taking the position at her job because she knew she would be leaving behind all the luxuries and conveniences of the good ol' US. One thing I was pleased to hear was of her getting used to eating healthier there and having difficulty adjusting to the processed foods here; she had a few negative things to say about the quality of food in the Phillipines, and rightly so because the sanitation is atrocious. I'm happy that she has gained some cultural awareness and is enjoying her time there. Apparently next year she may be traveling to Australia and London, which she excitedly talked about last night.

Speaking of Southeast Asia, my parents are wrapping up their first week of training in Richmond, Virginia. They are one of about 5 other couples who have grown children as opposed to little ones, and my mom wrote and said there were as many as 20 kiddos running around over there! So far I'm very excited for them and I haven't begun to miss them too much. I know they are in God's hands - the best hands you can be in! I can't wait to be able to send them care packages when they are in Indonesia. I remember so vividly when we were younger and would squeal with delight as we opened up the care packages sent to us by the thoughtful people at IMB - American candy, hot chocolate mixes, movies, and a card that said we were in their prayers...so sweet!

Tonight, Danish and I are Fort Worth bound. Hank very kindly paid for a hotel room for us to be there for the rehearsal dinner tonight and groom's brunch tomorrow! How awesome is that? It's coming to look like their wedding is definitely costing them a pretty penny! I'm sure it will be beautiful! Here is a picture of Danish and Hank, who was a groomsman at our wedding:

I'll post just a couple of pictures of our newly arranged house, too. I wish we had remembered to take 'before' pictures to compare how much space we've created. Just imagine things looking 10 times more cluttered than this:

Master bedroomSister's bedroomHallway from the entranceDad's "cave", now a second living roomLiving room
I need to get back to work if I'm going to have any time to head over to the apartment to clean before turning in the key. I think the chicken stew may have had one too many cloves of garlic...

Thursday

I wish I had more of a personality.

Highrise

So this call job is a little difficult because of the fact that people do not like to give out company information, even if it's for research. It's understandable; I act the same way to telemarketers. Also, it doesn't feel very pleasant being hung up on mid-sentence. At any rate, I'm grateful for the opportunity to work part-time as I await contact from the hospitals I've applied to. My odds of working as a nurse at the moment are slim to none, but there is a possibility I may be able to work as a tech until my ATT arrives.

In other news, we are moving this weekend into my parent's house. They leave for Richmond, Virginia early Tuesday morning. Unbelievable.

Morning

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.

Lamentations 3:22-26

Broken

I am constantly reminded that I am nothing but a sinner...saved by grace. If it were not for Jesus Christ, I am truly nothing! My words mean nothing, my actions are nothing, my passions are meaningless. I find my worth in the love of God...I believe C.S. Lewis said, "Christ died not for men but for each man. If each had been the only man made, He would have done no less." How beautiful is that? When it comes to my existence, truthfully, I don't care about all the intelligence in the world to 'prove' God; I am unabashedly content in knowing that I was created to be loved by my Creator! This phase in my life is seriously nothing to boast about: I am still unemployed, my career is set on hold as I await a decision from the Board of Nursing, I am consumed with heartache as my parents' departure approaches, my marriage is light years away from perfect, and (as with anyone) I am uncertain about my future. Yet, I know that God loves me! His plans for me are GOOD. Tonight may have been a more difficult night than any, but I am relying on that undescribable peace...God's provisions are always sufficient!

A Woman's Heart: God's Dwelling Place

This is the book we are using for Bible study. I am learning SO much! I hope to share with you some amazing insights whenever I get a chance.

My heart feels like it will explode with love

To make myself useful (and more importantly not a worthless dirtbag), I've picked up a part-time job helping out my friend Meredith. She works for a CPA company and my job will be to make a round of calls to various companies to ask what accounting software they use. It's a research call not a sales call, to my relief. I find this opportunity to be a God-send because apparently I've missed my jumping off point for my career as a nurse; the next graduate nurse internships won't be available until the fall. Not to worry, the Lord said to me. I am greatly enjoying this time off and Danish is more than capable of supporting the both of us while we wait for me to find a job. Even that I'm not worried about. I received this degree for a purpose, I'm certain it will be utilized...confidently for God's glory. It will be a gratifying moment when my ambition is realized.

In other news, Danish's co-worker gave birth to a little girl who is 6 weeks early. Hopefully her stay in the NICU will be short and sweet. This Saturday is Nicole and Jake's wedding, I'm so excited for them. And finally, Sunday is the last 4th of July we'll spend as a family before my parents take off for the mission field!

A great quote I found which may or may not relate to this post: Life isn't about being a "productive member of society" – it's about love, relationships, and community. I couldn't agree more.

Señor Feo

Lately, I've been having so much time on my hands. Yet, it still hasn't prompted me to write more, oh well. I finally finished writing my resume (all one page of it) and am having a few folks proof-read it for me. Next up, cover letter then applying for a job. I have to admit I'm terrified as I've never had a real job before. I mean tutoring is a job, but it hasn't always felt legit or anything.

Today is my mom's birthday! I'm taking the family out to an early dinner at Brio, which has a food happy hour between 4-7pm and the food is sooo good and only $2.95 per plate. We're also combining her birthday with the celebration of Father's Day, which I spent with the in-laws. This will be yet another great opportunity to spend time with my parents before they leave and I'm very much looking forward to it. Next shindig, 4th of July cookout!

Danish has been bombarded with tragic events at work involving the residents at the homeless shelter, and it's taken more of a toll on him than usual. He would try to tell me what it's been like recently, but I can sense how difficult it is for him to relay his emotions as he had experienced them when the events occurred. I feel horrible for the people who are less fortunate than we are - we don't have much, but it's so much compared to them and I am compelled to be utterly thankful to God everyday. This also brings me to acknowledge the hard work Danish puts forth everyday to help others as well as support us. I think I need to try harder to remember that even when it's gets lonely and I feel neglected. I couldn't do his job nor meet the expectations of a man; girls have it easier in life, I think...at least I do compared to others. Most of my problems are a result of my own actions/inactions and originate from my head rather than outside circumstances.

Speaking of heads, I finally got a haircut! It's been 6 months. My new hair dresser isn't as talented as Rachel, but I can't complain too much since it only costed me $25. However, I did do something stupid once I came home. I looked in the mirror and thought my bangs looked uneven, so I CUT it! They weren't uneven. "It'll grow!" my sister consoled. Yes, it'll grow...unevenly.

Neighbor

I have an upstairs neighbor who is very loud and obnoxious. He yells at people on the phone, yells at people in his apartment, and yells at his pit bull puppy. I was strangely more concerned about the dog issue than anything else because I thought perhaps he abused it. Well, all my terrible assumptions were wrong; he loves his dog and does not treat it poorly at all. Her name is Bailey, I asked. Right now, I can hear her causing a ruckus upstairs as she bounds around and barks at maybe a toy - sounds of a playful dog, not of a beaten dog. I guess some people are just yellers. This realization has brought quite a relief.

I know you can speak. So say it, say you love me.

A quick update: I am drinking Southern Comfort and pomegranate juice, boiling chicken because I have no time to thaw it before 'attempting' to cook penne rigate with chicken, and waiting for Danish to come home so we can eat and watch Mystic River on DVD.

I had a productive day, I think, and today was my first official day as a 25-year-old. How does it feel? you ask. Well, I'm still unemployed, in bad need of a haircut, and very much in love with life - so...pretty good, I should say!

---This just in, I'm making quite a mess in the kitchen...there's pasta sauce everywhere!

Diphenhydramine

Yesterday, Danish and I went on a bike ride on Greenbelt Trail in Denton with two of our friends, Colin and Brittany. Our destination was Lake Ray Roberts, where there is a cliff you can jump off of into the water. The ride went fairly okay until about mile 10 when my good humor began to leave me. It was around 98 degrees out and to my horror, we had to climb up the side of a dam and ride across the blistering hot asphalt (about a mile distance) to get to where we wanted to go. The cliff was no longer our destination; we needed AC, drinks, and possibly food. After what seemed like hell, we finally reached The Dam Store, a convenience store that sells bait and other random things. At this point, I was pretty mad at Danish because that's just what I do - have really bad attitude during times when I should be a good sport. At any rate, we sat down in the cool store, ordered some Dam hamburgers, and sipped on our refreshing fountain drinks while Danish called up Hank to pick us up because no one was up for riding back to our cars. By the way, Hank is Colin's twin brother. Hank was working so he sent his fiance, Amber, to pick us up. The boys left with her to get their cars while Brittany and I finished our burgers and chit-chatted about random things (she's a nice girl). Of course I was no longer upset with Danish, and the fact that he got a pretty rough sunburn steered me away from exacerbating the situation.

We came home and took a long snooze. My friend Jennifer was in town and we had made plans to hang out at King Sauna & Spa, a Korean-owned 'bath house' of some sorts - but nothing dirty like you are thinking (no 'happy-endings' or anything like that). Here is an article from The Dallas Morning News. Basically you go in, put on the cotton shorts and t-shirt they provide, and sit in the different temperature saunas to sweat out 'toxins'. There is also a food court, movie room, and karaoke room - it's so much fun! On the weekends, they are open 24-hours so we could have spent the night if we wanted, but since we had church the next day we left around 2 a.m. and passed out from a long day's worth of activities.

Today, Danish is sick with allergies, a sore throat, and a crabby mood. He is recording with his band later today while I go hang out with my family, then we have a birthday to go to at The Old Monk. It should be a great time! Tomorrow, we are grilling out at my parent's house...and we have so much planned for the rest of this week as Danish has taken off an entire week from work!

Weekend

This past weekend was quite eventful. Friday, we went over to Nate and Meg's house for dinner and met one of Nate's friends and his girlfriend. The conversations were funny, the food was delicious (BBQ and veggies), and the night ended fairly late - which is always a good thing. I think I may have mentioned before about Nate and Meg moving far away for a job he was going to take, but they ended up not going. I'm sad but happy because I really cherish our friendship with them. Like us, they are also a newly married couple with a heart for God and I get along with both of them so well! It's always nice to be able to have running inside jokes and to have the openness to share prayer requests with one another.

Saturday, Danish's parents moved into their new house off Midway so they needed our help in moving some things from the old house to the new house. We first met with them at Little Gus Cafe for brunch. I had the Eggs Benedict and Danish had his usual French toast. The house is HUGE...and beautiful. I'm so happy for them as they have been waiting to close for so long but their old house had been on the market for about 4 months. After two car trips of bringing things over, we called it a day and Mom opened up a bottle of Port and we chatted about the 'grandchildren' coming over and spending the night.

That evening, we went over to Jake and Nicole's place for game night. We had BBQ and veggies again - so good. Danish and I made a beer run and also grabbed a bottle of spiced rum for Jake. I also gave away my half bottle of Parrot Bay coconut rum which I hate, and it felt good to get rid of it. Brian, Danish's brother, also came. Kevin and Christen, another couple from church, were there and also one of Nicole's friends, Tatiyana. Tatiyana is Russian and I was pleased to find out she lived in South Korea for a few years and we had conversation about growing up as an International kid. Later, Judy came over distressed from having a fight with her boyfriend. I could tell she just wanted to get her mind off of the situation but couldn't bring herself to enjoy the company or get into the games (we were playing Charades by the time she came). It saddens and angers me when my friends are struggling in their relationships - especially when I see them being treated so unfairly. And to top it off, this guy claims to be a Christian but clearly acts like a hypocrite. I think it definitely puts a blunder on her relationship with God and that sucks.

Sunday, we had a great Bible study lesson led by Kyle as Brad was out of pocket, having gone to his son's wedding the night before. From the sounds of it, the wedding was a success which is a true blessing since the bride was seriously ill and had been released from the hospital only a few days before the wedding. The Bible study was great because Kyle, who was just wrapping up with the Crown Financial Ministries studies, was generous enough to share with our group some of the things he had learned. The topic we chose as a group was 'work' and what the Bible says about it. Apparently God intended for man to work, and work was not a punishment for sin! Work was intended to be purposeful and satisfying, but sin caused man to toil and labor arduously for food. I found it interesting that God grants skills, abilities, and expertise as opposed to us acquiring it through many years of experience, and He also determines who will prosper and who will not so we cannot boast of our successes. The final lesson that came in on a tangent was the matter of efficiency; God expects us to work hard, but if there is an easier way to get things done, we ought to learn of those ways so we are free to use our time in other ways to bring glory to God. Kyle used the example of a nail gun vs. a hammer. The lesson was refreshing as I am in the midst of looking for a job...while dreading the prospect of working. I've never had a real job before and my work ethic is pathetic. However, I was reminded through the lesson that we are to work for the Lord, not for men. That surprisingly takes away the burden and apprehension of work...but it won't stop me from fervently praying that God does bless me with a job in which I do feel joy and satisfaction, not torture and despair. Work...oh, work...

Labor detail

So you ask, "Grace, how are you? What have you been up to?" and I will proceed to answer with much gusto. Firstly, I graduated from nursing school! Glorious! I never thought I would see the day when I would become a college graduate. Secondly, Danish has also completed his first semester of grad school...with all A's! I'm so proud of him. Thirdly, my parents are leaving as missionaries to Indonesia in September! Now that both my sister and I have graduated college, God has opened the door for them to return to their beloved Indonesia where I spent 10 years of my life growing up. They are incredibly happy and excited and are in the process of getting their affairs in order before leaving. Finally, Danish and I have completed our Sacred Marriage counseling session. We have learned so much from our group and I am so thankful to the Lord for such an opportunity.

Since school has been out, I have been trying to knock out my 'labor detail' days before Danish takes off work for vacation. I think I may have mentioned here and there, in minute detail, of getting into trouble with the law. As punishment, I am required to work 10 days for the city of Fort Worth. Jobs I've accomplished: cleaning a mean toilet, waiting patiently for time to pass, avoiding eye contact with creepy men, washing squad cars, and following orders promptly even when I don't understand exactly what the correction officer said. I have three more days left and some meaningful things I have gained from this experience include really learning my lesson, and becoming more aware of how so many people are in need of God's love. I feel guilty saying this, but the folks who come to labor detail look as if they have come straight out the woods. Most of them are older, working-class men and women, some with missing teeth, weathered skin, and horrible smoking habits. I am the only one with a college degree out of the people I have met so far. People lead such hard lives...some people don't even realize how hard they make it on themselves. Success carries a different meaning to them: being a crane operator means you have a good job; having a man to whom you're not married to but who will take care of your kids from a previous relationship means security; partying until you drop means you're leading the good life. I guess what I'm trying to say about God's love is that it really is for everyone - I mean, I'm there. It just made me sad to hear each person's story, especially the ones who boasted about why they were there and clearly did not learn their lesson. But I understand the necessity to be around these folks because it is a reminder of what I am - a sinner in need of grace. I am not better than they are for having a college degree, etc. nor am I worthier to get into heaven. It's funny how God turns even our mistakes into revelations. Nevertheless, I'm excited to finish next week and move on with my life! Of course I'd be wise to learn my lessons quickly instead of learning the hard way.

Finally

I love truth

How does one die to oneself? It's a mechanical phrase to say as a Christian, but I don't think I comprehend the meaning of it. Cindy, who leads our Sacred Marriage group with her husband Ron, read to us a quote on love:

Love is the commitment of my will to your needs and best interest regardless of the cost.

It's a real shame not to be able to put into action something that sounds as lovely and poignant as this. Jesus commands us to love one another and to be humble, gentle, and patient. I am thinking I just don't see the opportunity even when it arises.

Stop, think, act.

I keep hoping to feel utter remorse for this incapability of dying to myself as I write this, but I think it's gotten pass the point of sappy emotions. This knowledge demands a change in thought and attitude. Feelings are fleeting; I have to act on determination. My actions have been a result of whatever overwhelming commotion courses through my veins; it's caused nothing but trouble! It certainly would be amazing if I could channel that sort of passion into loving my fellow men, my brothers and sisters in Christ.

Le sigh. Strong mind.

About last night

"We judge oftentimes according to our own heart and our own affections and not according to the truth, for we lose the true judgment through our private love...Many persons, through a secret love that they have for themselves, work indiscreetly according to their own will and not according to the will of God, and yet they know it not. They seem to stand in great inward peace when things follow according to their own mind, but if it follow otherwise than they would, quickly they are moved with impatience and are very heavy and pensive."

- On the Love of God

Peace and tacos

I am still studying! That is all.

Trees will turn to soil

Camera

I'm sad my camera broke. But Danish promised to buy me a new one when I pass the HESI. I think I'll stick with Canon and get the PowerShot SD1200 IS, which is an upgrade from the one I had before. Also, I am giving up drinking and socializing for the next three weeks.

Easter Sunday

This just in, after finishing my tuna sandwich for lunch I was excited about the Cap'n Crunch cereal box I saw in the pantry. Cereal is a such a delicious treat in the middle of the day. I was crestfallen when I saw that it was Peanut Butter Crunch, not original. Peanut butter sucks! It didn't help that Danish laughed at my misery.

Today, we went to two services, one at our church with my family and one at Christ United Methodist Church with Danish's family. His brother is finally home after having some issues with Bianca. I haven't said much about that situation, but just know that it's ridiculous and I'm very much opposed to it. I'm relieved he's home and we're having dinner over there tonight. It should be a good time.

Yesterday, we drove to Fort Worth and had lunch at Fuzzy's. Originally, we planned on going to the Botanical Garden, but my camera broke. What's the point of going to the gardens if the camera doesn't work? So instead we decided to go to the zoo - sweet idea! My favorite part was the wallabies! They were all curled up into balls and sleeping against the fence, apart from the kangaroos. I think I just like the word 'wallaby' I mean they were sleeping the whole time, as were a lot of the animals. Danish and I still enjoyed ourselves and the weather was so nice.

Afterward, we went to his uncle's house to look at some of the furniture he was giving away since he will be moving to a lakehouse off Joe Poole Lake. We're picking up the furniture in a U-Haul next Saturday and taking it to my parents' house. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this but they're leaving the country on mission, and Danish and I will be occupying the house for a while to save money and eventually buy a house of our own. I feel honored that they're leaving the house for us to take care of and I'm happy to do it. More importantly, I'm glad Danish is excited to live in it and is showing every intention of taking care of and making it 'home.'

Be joyful always

Regardless of Monday's disappointments, I had a very good week. Tuesday, Julie and I met up with Nate and Megan T. for lunch at Cafe Malaga, a Spanish/Mediterranean restaurant which made my heart melt with it's mouth-watering menu. I had the Spanish Azul Burger and a couple bites of the Bravas Chicken Sandwich. Ridiculous. After filling our little bellies and listening to Nate's hilarious stories, we went and watched Alice in Wonderland. I enjoyed it, but I enjoyed the company and the relaxed mood I was in even more. Afterward, I proceeded to take Julie back home. However, we got stuck in the HOV lane which had the upright poles. I was too chicken to drive over them, knowing it would probably damage my car, so we were forced to drive all the way to Dallas. Since we were already there, I thought we might as well do a little shopping. It was so much fun! Julie and I ate again at McCormick and Schmick's which had a happy hour we couldn't pass up. The day's events were a much needed stress-reliever, and even my losing another tutoring client later that day didn't bother me too much. I sense I'm being protected by these friends and family members in my life that I feel confident that the consistent failures I make don't mark my worth. As long as I don't grow careless or apathetic and continue to put forth my greatest effort, I will be okay! I am beginning to understand the concept of choosing to be joyful...

I received congratulatory flowers from my in-laws for passing the HESI exam. Sadly it was a false alarm and it was embarrassing for me to break the news to them. I find it interesting that I am appreciating them more and more as time passes. I call them 'Mom' and 'Dad' and we say I love you to each other...it's weird, but I like it.

Danish had the day off today which pleased me greatly. Knowing he is getting a little break makes me feel better. He works so hard! We had a yummy lunch, went to guitar center, and rode our bikes to the dog park with Tank. Tonight, we're meeting some friends at McKinney square. Then it's another whole day with him tomorrow! If the weather permits, we may go to the Botanical Garden in Fort Worth.

Bee's knees

The much anticipated HESI exam is finally over! Unfortunately, I did not pass. To make it worse, I almost passed. To make it even worse, apparently I have hidden anxieties which interfere with my test taking... and life. To top it off, I walked back to my car with my head down, playing the Charlie Brown tune in my head only to find a parking ticket wedged under the windshield wiper. I had put enough change in the meter for 3 hours, but the test took me 5. Anyway, I'm scheduled to take the second exam April 23, about three weeks from now. Fortunately I've completed all my clinical hours so that gives me ample time and energy to dominate this test. Danielle said some people just have good luck. That may be true, but I won't let luck determine whether I pass or not...I will pass! That's the right attitude, right?

In other news, I have the most supportive family and friends. I am SO blessed to have them in my life! They are a safe haven.

I was lying on the roof as it had become the floor

"It is within our nature to assume that we'll be the same tomorrow as we are today," he began. "We think that it's ok to pass up a priceless chance now because we're too tired, or because there's too many things going on in our lives at the moment, and that there will always be more chances to come. And it's only when tomorrow arrives that we realize just what an opportunity it was that came and went. But I promise you, one day you will wake up and suddenly realize that you are old, and that less of your time is spent wondering what will be as opposed to what might have been. And the only thing standing between you and a deathbed of regret is the belief that the totality of your life has been spent with your eyes open, and that the limited chances that life had presented to you had been taken with nothing less than an effort that nearly killed you."

-Dead Weight by Daniel Mathis

Rien ne pèse tant que un secret

I've taken Midol and the caffeine in it is making my heart race. In other news, I hope I pass the HESI this Monday. Now for some random pictures:

Jock

I wasted half the day on campus slaving away on my Communities paper with my group. Then I tutored and went to my parents' to walk Tank. Finally around 7 I met with Julie, grabbed some pho, and studied for a few hours.

Danish and I came home at the exact same time and we walked to the apartment together from the parking lot. He was in a jolly, robust mood after having had a vigorous game of ultimate frisbee. Apparently they haven't lost a single game this season. The team is comprised of other Christian men in their 20s and 30s who enjoy playing sports. It is definitely a blessing as it serves as a great opportunity to network with other Christians. I was initially resistant to Danish's decision in joining, believing he was placing other things as priorities over me. Fortunately now I see the importance of the physical outlet and male companionship he needs; he is in a better mood, not so weary from his work day, and seemingly happy to be with me afterward. However, I did not appreciate his exuberant amusement in flinging his skanky underwear across the room at my head before hopping into the shower.

"The smell of a champion," he said. Vile!

By the way, he is growing a mustache. It's definitely coming along.

Fuzzy's

I love Fuzzy's Tacos! We frequent this place for their delicious Baja tacos and chicken sandwiches. Last Saturday, we went twice. I don't mind that it seems indulgent.

Overall, I rate this Spring Break a B+.

Wishin' I had an anchor to hold me

So many things have happened since I last wrote, but for some reason I don't feel like writing about them. I just miss Danish all the time and it makes me tired. I'm tired of missing him. I wish I could just get over it.

NX35

We had a great time at Loni's birthday last night! We're headed to my parents to fix our bikes and play with Tank. My new shoes came in the mail! Then we're off to Denton to see The Flaming Lips, eat at Fuzzy's, and hang out. Four days with Danish! We have a ton of quality-time activities lined up and it's going to be sweet. God is so good!

Fade into you

I think it's glamorous to have marital problems. It's quite wonderful experiencing this crippling anguish and depression. It means something extraordinary when I doubt both my own love for my husband as well as his love for me. These endless arguments and abusive language just make me feel so alive! Not to mention the unbearably loud silences help me to reflect on the deep and enthralling aspects of this marriage. There is just something so deliciously tragic about leaving the house with a smile on my face while inside my heart is broken. I love drama! It adds such excitement to my boring life. Nothing beats the disappointment of being let down after indulging in the short-term illusion of believing that someone else can make you happy. Happiness is overrated. When things are good, I remind myself that it's only temporary. Everything good in this marriage is a result of a sacrifice, and everyone knows making sacrifices is dumb. If not sacrifices, it's trading one thing for another for pure gain; a cute little game that involves manipulation - how provocative! I find great satisfaction in the erratic and formidable nature of this marriage which is the bane of my existence.

TBON

Last night, I had another dream about losing teeth. This time it was one of my front teeth that was knocked out when Diana head-butted me on the dance floor. I tried to jam it back into the socket, causing much pain and discomfort. I went to a 'specialist' who said the surgery to put the tooth back in would cost me $5000.

"That's as much as a boob job!" I said.

"Yes, but people are willing to pay more money to have their teeth look nice rather than their breasts," he replied.

I reluctantly agreed with him and decided to put the expense on my already maxed out credit card, knowing Danish would kill me when he found out what I had done to our credit score.

Then I woke up because I had to pee. Needless to say, I checked myself out in the mirror to make sure I had all my teeth. When I went back to bed, I couldn't fall asleep. I laid there thinking about why I have these dreams. I think I've mentioned before that I have these 'mouth/teeth' dreams when I have some unresolved issues that are causing great anxiety both consciously and subconsciously. Then I thought if I could just believe my teeth will never fall out, I wouldn't worry so much. This is a stretch, but that is exactly what faith is - my faith in God. If I could just believe God will never give me more than I could bear and that He cares for me and loves me, then I wouldn't worry so much. That makes sense to me. My teeth are pretty sturdy, I floss everyday, I'm sure I have enough Vitamin C in my diet...I suppose I need to work on my faith with as much effort.

This is a ridiculously random epiphany, but I seem to learn that way. "For no temptation (no trial regarded as enticing to sin), [no matter how it comes or where it leads] has overtaken you and laid hold on you that is not common to man [that is, no temptation or trial has come to you that is beyond human resistance and that is not adjusted and adapted and belonging to human experience, and such as man can bear]. But God is faithful [to His Word and to His compassionate nature], and He [can be trusted] not to let you be tempted and tried and assayed beyond your ability and strength of resistance and power to endure, but with the temptation He will [always] also provide the way out (the means of escape to a landing place), that you may be capable and strong and powerful to bear up under it patiently." 1 Corinthians 10:13

I miss Tank

I think I'm beginning to enjoy my 12-hour clinicals, which is a huge relief. Not only that, I will be done with all of them before spring break. This will give me ample time to study and recover from the series of poor grades I've been making on these recent tests.

In other news, I'm in love with my husband. Something I've learned from the second counseling meeting is that I can't look to Danish to fulfill my emptiness; only God can do that. But by being married, it is a constant struggle to die to myself and be more Christ-like. It's been good and I can see how this will be an interesting journey.

Belches and farts, bills and insecurities

I love life. Even when it's not pretty.

Sacred Marriage

This is the book we're reading for the marriage counseling.

The Lounge performance

Bored

Sometimes when I'm home alone, I walk into the closet and press my face against all of Danish's clothes on the hangers and I just lean that way, drinking in his smell.

Emotional intelligence

Something I lack greatly in.

Whatever

So Danish and I begin our marriage counseling tomorrow at 6 at my friend Miranda's church. I don't know what to expect because the last marriage seminar Danish and I attended was FUCKING bogus. We just ate till our bellies were full of Uncle Julio's and listened dumbly to a couple who had a barrage of problems including infidelity but still managed to stay to together and have a "happy marriage." Fantastic. I resent Danish a lot. It's terrible for me to admit it here, in public. I try to make it seem we have a decent relationship, where we respect one another and love one another. However, that's not always the case...I am aware that marriage takes work...I could hate Danish, but that is no grounds for me to behave the way I have been. I've been extremely selfish lately...probably ever since we've been married; I haven't taken the marriage seriously. I am overwhelmed with guilt and confusion. Guilt because deep inside I know it's wrong; confusion because I'm not sure how I'm supposed to behave! So many people have already told me how it will be a struggle the first 5 years...correction, the first 10 years. That seems ridiculous to me; why get married in the first place?! These are all questions I don't have the answer to, and I hope to have some rational ideas post-marriage counseling. I suppose I just have to approach this with a mature attitude and understand that even if the counseling is unsuccessful, Danish and I will at least take away a lesson or two from it. That's the mature thing to do, right?

I am not a glutton

I can't believe I'm admitting this, but today I ate so much that I vomited! I've been gorging since Friday...

We had lunch with my life group yesterday. Our pastor and his wife opened up their home and catered Babe's! Pastor Sam even played a beautiful song for us on his guitar. It was a very memorable time. We came home and napped for a few hours before going to Danish's parents' for dinner - pork tenderloin with green apple salsa and a delicious salad that had cilantro, mango, and fish oil dressing. Then I spent a few hours working on a 10-page paper which I finished earlier today. I procrastinate till the last moment before it is due.

I have three 12-hour clinicals this week starting tomorrow. I wanted to go to Danish's ultimate frisbee game tonight, but my body wasn't feeling well after vomiting for about 10 minutes straight. So I'm laying in bed watching episodes of Futurama and fighting the urge to eat more food.

Perfect

I wouldn't mind shriveling up and dying. I think I may find pleasure in it. Maybe even peace. My flesh drawing inward, limbs becoming mangled, twisted, contorted, slowly crushing my bones, coiling and writhing, shrinking and shrinking, bodily juices drying up, crackling and popping, with my still-beating heart being the last to burst under pressure.

Me

"And we think sometimes with our presence to please others, when we rather displease them through the evil manners and evil conditions that they see and consider to be in us."

Correction

Violent Still Life isn't playing with Fizzy Dino Pop tonight. In other news, I love sandwiches. Apparently Danish thinks my tweets are stupid, but I don't care. I hate 12 hour clinicals. Danish and I went to Babe's Chicken for dinner last night and it was so good! You choose from 6 entrees - Fried Chicken, Chicken Fried Steak, Fried Chicken Tenders, Smoked Chicken, Fried Catfish, and Pot Roast - and they give you all-you-can-eat sides which include green beans, corn, mashed potatoes, gravy, salad, and biscuits. I thoroughly enjoyed our snow days. Our friends Nate and Meg are moving away and that's a shame considering they were our newly married couple friends. I had a dream last night about my mouth being dry and full of sawdust, and as hard as I tried I couldn't clear any of it.

Finger print

I love going to shows. Danish has another one this Saturday at the Cavern with our friends émic and their friends Fizzy Dino Pop. I dance like an idiot to this last band.

We watched The Talented Mr. Ripley last night. It depicts the main character's struggle to compensate feelings of inferiority which leads to a life of lies, ultimately leaving him even lonelier than before. It was scene after intense scene, and I think Matt Damon is a really good actor. He does a successful job in being super creepy. I have this movie listed as one of my favorites!

Anyway, I'm working on a paper and a few article summaries today. I hope I get everything done so I can treat myself to happy hour with Diana tonight.

Maker's

I drank everyday this week. If I don't get this under control...

Sabotage

If something is easily attained, it's hardly even worth it. Why am I always facing temptations? I serve no purpose in trying to help others find truth and meaning when I can't even get a grip on my own life. Something about being a "scape-goat" in family dynamics, it's nigh time I sabotage the good things in my life. I'm sorry, I'm just so sorry. I need a miracle.

Grave

I have to die to myself. Meaning I have to stop seeking instant gratification. "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." It's disappointing to know that I don't have enough faith to allow God to be in control. I end up making rash decisions fueled by alcohol which leave me buried deeper in the grave I've dug for myself.

Interestingly enough, I found this article which describes my impulsive, impatient nature. "People want material objects, relationships, or even success as soon as possible and because they aren’t patient enough to wait for their desires, they lose their own happiness in the process." I would say a lot of truth rings in this statement. Now to get my act together and wait patiently for God to lead me...it's easier said than done.

German beer

I have three days off including today. I feel strange and anxious because I've never had so many days off like this before. Of course it's all because I didn't call my preceptor over the weekend to schedule my clinical. I have a feeling she works weekends...that may be a good thing for me. My very important exit exam, the HESI, is on March 29 after spring break, and I've got to nail my butt down to a chair and study for it. I've never been good with time management and so this is an issue. I guess this week I can try to make an appointment with my school therapist. I need to get a lot of bottled up shit out...I'm only going because it's free. At least the first six sessions are.

By the way, I totally lied on my drugs and alcohol evaluation. I probably do need the counseling.

Fuck

Apparently we are expected to do everything independently this semester after having had rigid schedules and restrictions all throughout nursing school. Time management and a go-get-'em attitude - I am totally and utterly boned.

Growing pains and empty days

I may or may not have a drinking problem.

Low expectations

It turned out I had a lot of free time yesterday evening since I didn't tutor Isaac. I was in the middle of cooking a ravioli dinner hours before Danish would have gotten home when Loni called me in tears. She kicked her cheating boyfriend out of her house and needed some emotional support. I left the kitchen a complete mess, grabbed some work clothes for Danish (as I anticipated we would spend the night), and drove to McKinney with a half bottle of vodka stowed away in the backseat.

Giving advice is not my forte, and I try to stay away from it. BUT sometimes I am compelled to offer my two cents in hopes to bring realization to these suffering girls! It seems expectations are low (if they exist at all) and these random losers come out of God knows where, effortlessly make their way into the lives of my amazing friends, treat them like garbage, and leave them with broken hearts. GAH!!!

Of course I didn't get a wink of sleep, so today my hangover is intensified by the cloud of thoughts and concerns I have for my friends. I wish I knew how to help them, but they don't want to listen to me because I'm already happily married so what would I know.

Yoke

Hi, how are you Blog? This semester has started off as rough and bumpy as it ended last year. As much as I hate "taking care of business" I know it has to be done. What's discouraging is that a lot of it requires patience as it can't be accomplished instantaneously. I feel burdened. I wonder what it would feel like to lose a ton of weight...like on those billboards and magazine advertisements where some fatty loses 100 pounds and their lives are changed forever. It must be refreshing to lose that burden.

My lovely friend Angie got married at the courthouse this past weekend! She is planning a destination wedding in Mexico later this year. She went ahead and legally got married since the marriage in Mexico won't be recognized here. I'm so happy for her. I mean, it's weird too. Growing up. Not to mention I feel concerned for the rest of my friends who seem anxious for their turn. Should I not feel that way? I think it's a subconscious thing...nevertheless, I'm praying for Meagan who told me she doesn't even know what she wants in a man; she just expects every guy she dates to magically become Mr. Right. It's important to have expectations and really tell God about them because He listens.

Danish has no time for me. He works full-time, is in grad school, has band practice, and now he has signed up for an ultimate frisbee team. It makes me sad because the only time I see him is for about an hour right before we both pass out for the night. I say I need to learn how to cook, but I don't even have the opportunity to cook for him since he's never around. Speaking of which, I gave steak another chance. This time I marinated it in some herb mixture, wrapped it in aluminum foil, and tossed it in the oven to bake! The results were that it turned out with more of a brisket texture instead of steak, but it tasted pretty decent. I find it interesting how these meats just shrink in the oven...what am I doing wrong? They just shrink up; they're almost half the size of the original, uncooked meat.

Today I go to Denton to make another school ID and get my second TB test because I forgot to get mine read last week. Freaking waste. Because of this immunization delay, I can't participate in today's hospital orientation and must make up those hours in clinicals, which is fine. I figure I will need those extra hours anyway for the experience. Can you believe I'll be graduating this May? I'll be entering the work force and making money. It's very surreal to me. I know that all this "business" I'm having to deal with will make it that much more worth it in the end. I know that's why I have this burden, I know that it's given to me so I can just give it up to God, I know that it's all a test to show my faith, I know that this will all pass, I know I'll be a better person for it. I know! Jesus says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." That is nice.

Eh.

Feeling quite bitter today.

Just nod if you can hear me

I miss my family. I haven't been able to go home to see them lately and I think it's taking an emotional toll on me. I have also been ignoring God these past few weeks and that is taking a toll on my spiritual health. I feel rotten and expendable...guilty mostly. I know I can make a greater difference if I could just allow myself to be molded. I wish I could point the way to Christ but my life doesn't reflect anything admirable or even desirable. Perhaps my hot new husband...but it could just be that I got really lucky. Danish must feel very fulfilled that his job is to help people everyday. He's so much better than me in so many ways. I'm a shit stain compared to him. I want to change my habits and just be better...Apparently I'm experiencing something called the "Christian burden" which sounds virtuous and noble, but it's the worst kind of angst there is. Anyway, I will try to get some sleep and hope that tomorrow will be different in a good way. I know God is wise and His plans are unfathomable, and somehow I will have a little part in it which will fulfill my purpose here.

Pierrot the Clown

Blanket

I am sad to say that I possess no home-making skills whatsoever. It is true my mother does not know how to cook, but that can be explained because during our 10-year residence in Indonesia, we had maids who cooked for us. Therefore, I was never taught how to cook a single dish in my life aside from frying a couple of eggs or microwaving something. However, my mother takes good care of her home, making sure it is clean, dust-free, and comfortable to be in. Only until I came to live with Danish did I learn how to do laundry! In my defense, I keep a real clean apartment with decent decor - it's quite cozy here!

With that being said, I have a ridiculous story to share. Danish and I bought this expensive and incredibly soft comforter which has served us well in the last few months we have had it. I mentioned a few times my desire to give it a good wash so we could sleep in a clean, fresh blanket. Finally this past week I woke up and heaved the blanket off to the washing machine, poured a capful of detergent, closed the lid, and set it to "extra heavy." Not more than 5 minutes later, the washing machine began to shake violently and make such curious noises which could only mean something terrible has happened. Upon opening the washing machine, I saw to my horror fluffs of white blanket stuffing springing out of a giant tear from where the blanket had caught on the inside of the lid. I had destroyed our beloved blanket. Of course Danish couldn't believe it, either. He reprimanded me like father would a child as he proceeded to take the wet, torn blanket out of the washing machine and deposit it into a garbage bag.

At that moment neither of us had any brilliant ideas about what to do with the ruined blanket except to throw it away. After I had told my mother about the incident, she said I should have kept it and that she would have stitched it up and used it. I would never allow for my mom to use a second-rate blanket no matter how wonderful it was before the incident. But we did realize how wasteful it was of us to just do away with it; we could have donated it to the homeless shelter. So the next day I made Danish go dumpster diving! Yes, the man retrieved that blanket from the smelly dumpster and brought it in from the cold. Since it was discarded while still wet, the blanket had frozen! We left it in the garbage bag and set it in the living room to thaw.

Well, I came home today and opened up the bag, spread out the wet, seemingly dirty blanket covered in sad fluff, and quickly performed a shoddy stitch job to the tear. I forced it into the dryer, this time being mindful that it didn't catch on the inside of the door. It has been about two hours now and the reject blanket is still wet. Geez, I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. I'm fortunate to be with someone as patient as Danish who consoled me by saying the homeless would still appreciate it. As far as the cooking...I will get it someday, right? Those things take time, a trial and error deal. At least we live in a clean, cozy apartment...I just need to take extra precaution with things like laundry I suppose. Whatever.

CPR

I'm still in bed, the apartment is all toasty, and Danish is coming home from work! I'm so spoiled. Today is my brother's 19th birthday and we're going to shop for some winter clothes before he goes back to Austin. Then spending some quality time with Danish as today is also our 5-year anniversary. I wonder if married people still celebrate how long they have been together along with their wedding anniversary. I guess later on it gets to a point where there are too many dates to remember so you just end up celebrating the wedding date. Well, we have two!

And now for some random thoughts and a few of the wedding pictures I actually liked: I need to learn how to cook! I love the antique-looking clock on the wall. God works in mysterious ways. It's cold out apparently. I miss Tank.

Speeding tickets and name changes

I finally changed my name today. Thank you cards...still in the works. I signed up for NCLEX tutorials next week - blah! I figure I really need the extra help since I failed my HESI exams last semester. I'm really glad for the support Danish gives me as he encouraged me to sign up even though it was a whopping $350 for the 4 sessions. I wish this winter break would never end.

So my parents are leaving the country to go back into the mission field this summer. My dad was forced to leave his job, but fortunately God's perfect timing brought two little angels from Korea to stay at my parents house for the next several months. Koreans are really adamant about their children learning English at a young age and believe exposing them to the language early on will increase their chances of fluency when they are older. Generally you have to be wealthy to send your little ones abroad. It really is a blessing because not only does it make up for my dad not working, but it has really livened up the house. I was concerned for my mom feeling lonely since I no longer live there, but these two girls have brought her so much joy! Their names are Sarina and Kate, second and fourth grade.

I see Meagan tonight and it seems she is no longer dating that guy from eHarmony. I told her in full detail about the type of guy I see her with, but where is he? It's not that I want to feel bad for her, but I see that she wants to be with someone. I mean, she blatantly told me how jealous she was that I got married. Jana on the other hand expresses no urgency in settling down; she's happy as a clam being single. She says God-willing she will be with someone, just that it isn't the time yet. That is a pretty sweet attitude.

In other terrible news, the wedding photographer stated that she is only going to edit 40 out of 2000 pictures with no prints. I'm not sure if she finally said she would print the 40 free of charge, but regardless I'm pretty disappointed.

Fromage

I realize what a leap of faith I have taken in marrying Danish. I love him so much and living with him has been unbelievably unique and fun. I guess what I'm trying to say is...I would've never imagined myself in this situation! I'm so present-oriented that I could never have pictured this in my wildest imagination. I find it incredibly weird since I have so much...angst. I thought angsty people were in a perpetual state of hope. But maybe I was wrong...maybe angsty people just wallow in their worries and dissatisfaction. Maybe angsty people are just complacent people - the worst kind of people. At any rate, I wanted to announce how interesting it's been...I wish I could go into more depth. I mean, the fights have gotten more colorful! Ha. I feel so safe. We live in this crap hole apartment and yet being with him at the end of the night makes me feel whole. Wow. Sounds like a tray of fromage. I've turned from a cynic into a sap - just like that. Don't worry, the shit doesn't end here; just give me a break...I think I'm in a honeymoon state or something.