Slipping

Summer is slipping away, and I wonder if I'm so sad because Fall draws about cheerful moods in others whereas the summer heat made everyone miserable...and misery loves company.

Proverbs 1:7

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge,
       but fools despise wisdom and discipline.

I wish I could learn my lessons quickly and not have to deal with the consequences at a much later time. It appears to be a repeating behavior. My lack of impulse control paired with blatant disregard for those around me has time and again placed me in the lowest of positions, a grave if you will. It is disgusting the kind of prayers I whisper to God when I face my rude awakenings: Please, Lord, if You can just get me out of this one I promise I will be a changed person...Then of course when things don't pan out the way I had hoped, I view God disdainfully, believing Him to be a just yet unmerciful God who ensures that I pay for my sins to the fullest extent. I am utterly horrified with my own actions, my uncanny ability to scorn God when I have to 'pay' for my mistakes and my astonishing blindness to His glory and blessings. Even I know the likes of me are considered foolish. In all seriousness, I am desperate for a change in my character. At this time, absolutely nothing else holds greater bearing.

Just nod if you can hear me

I miss my family. I haven't been able to go home to see them lately and I think it's taking an emotional toll on me. I have also been ignoring God these past few weeks and that is taking a toll on my spiritual health. I feel rotten and expendable...guilty mostly. I know I can make a greater difference if I could just allow myself to be molded. I wish I could point the way to Christ but my life doesn't reflect anything admirable or even desirable. Perhaps my hot new husband...but it could just be that I got really lucky. Danish must feel very fulfilled that his job is to help people everyday. He's so much better than me in so many ways. I'm a shit stain compared to him. I want to change my habits and just be better...Apparently I'm experiencing something called the "Christian burden" which sounds virtuous and noble, but it's the worst kind of angst there is. Anyway, I will try to get some sleep and hope that tomorrow will be different in a good way. I know God is wise and His plans are unfathomable, and somehow I will have a little part in it which will fulfill my purpose here.

And I'll gamble away my fright

I have a busy week ahead of me, mostly tedious work such as returning several pairs of shoes I purchased online, starting on thank-you cards, and packing up the remainder of my belongings from my parents' house. I am beyond relieved for so much being over and done with already! This is certainly a new chapter of my life, and I hope and pray I will be different and happier. Staying busy will definitely steer me away from self-deprecation, apathy, etc. I am the only one responsible for keeping my sanity and composure by the end of next year.

Smile like you mean it

Lately I've been at a loss for words. I type and delete. Then give up altogether. This barrage of inappropriate thoughts and emotions has rendered me futile in self-expression. It's like a fever; the temperature runs too high for normal body function. Yes, the wedding is next weekend. Regrettably, that is only the tip of the iceberg. I won't go into anymore detail for fear of boring you, but I've determined that my angst stems from my lack of healthy coping skills. Instead of turning to prayer and meditation (which I am aware would do me great benefit), I have been drinking much more excessively than usual. I lose a lot of respect in the process. For a while, I felt that perhaps I was getting cold feet of some nature. Although I'm already married, it hasn't quite felt official since my parents have insisted I stay home as much as possible until the wedding. I mean, I haven't even been able to share a bed with my own husband. Then the thought of going through the ritualistic torture called a wedding, leaving my dear parents and the house I grew up in, and moving in with a person whom I sometimes perceive as my greatest enemy...it's too much! Sure, such is life blah blah. Let me remind you I have the mental and emotional capacity of a 6-year-old. I live in my own little world of stability and disaster, an anomaly I can't even explain. So what am I facing here - is it a change towards stability or towards disaster? While I have been brooding over these uninteresting matters, I apparently 'forgot' to study for my practic HESI exams, thus failing them. Not to worry, they didn't count against me or anything. I'm utterly exasperated by my own feeble-mindedness. Get a freaking grip, right?

Change

I truly believe God works in mysterious ways. When all seems to go down the crapper, He shows us that He's been there all along - we just didn't see Him because we were focusing on everything going down the crapper! I want to live more passionately for what I believe. If I don't have passion, then I have nothing. Living with moderate beliefs is merely existing, just watching life go by without truly participating in it. I just finished this book, Blue Like Jazz. Although I've read it before, the second read definitely gave me more insight. Don't you love that about books? You can read it again and again, and each time you learn something new. That is definitely how I have experienced the Bible time and again. At any rate, I was really moved by Don Miller's passion for truth and meaning, for God...and it made me look at myself and realize how much I have just been living for myself really. Miller makes a sincere point (repeated throughout history by many figures of the great) of how joy cannot be attained by living for your own good self. I've always known this but never practiced it. Yeah, hardly ever. But I want to! I need to...it needs to start with those closest to me. The book reads like a novel, exploring different phases in the author's life as he searches for the object of his passion - it's beautiful, poignant. There is always room to learn and grow, and the journey never ends. I really recommend this book!