Path of stones

Sadly I FEEL as though God continues to test me without allowing rest. I know He provides rest and blah blah blah. When things seem to gradually fall into place...I am made to suffer yet another long journey of faith. My negative attitude paints my life into a dreary picture of sorrow instead of a bright, hopeful piece of art reflecting the Artist. The carving of my character is painful...no one can tell me otherwise because it's my pain to bear. What may be a mild honing for others is a mauling for me. It's just my temperament...I can't change that.

Now I'm definitely not stating that these tests of faith are unnecessary...they are absolutely necessary to prepare me for eternity. God loves me so greatly that He continues to refine me so that I can partake in His glory. But how much more whittling down can I take? Will I only become a mere sliver of myself, "Christ-like" in all other ways? Clearly I am having identity issues...if I am a child of God yet we are to be Christ-like, is my very own nature garbage? Is my entire nature sinful garbage? I should desire to be Christ-like so I what am I holding onto? My identity should be in Christ...but I guess I am still blinded to what that may be.

Hence my dragging feet into the next paved road of blessings I am unwilling to discover. I have bathed in blessings after a long, arduous journey...but my memory fails me. All I can do is to pray for those marvelous, fine memories of redemption to cut me as sharply and deeply as do the painful and sad ones.

Lord, allow me the ability to provide security, joy, and laughter to my little one. Deliver me from loneliness and despair. Teach me to trust in Your goodness as I walk into the unknown. I have no one but You to hold onto. Grant me the strength to hold on...

Motivation

This is a very well known concept: anything that is worth it requires work. A relationship with Jesus, marriage, family, a cozy home, a nice body, financial security. Did I list my priorities just now? You better believe I went back and added that first one onto the list. At any rate, are humans the only entity in the universe that lose motivation and crumble and decay? And the mass suicide of lemmings does not count since it's a misconception of their migratory behavior (just looked it up). Even if it wasn't, active suicide seems more motivational than passive decay.

I am sure somewhere in nature, there is an example of lack of motivation. However, the problem specifically lies in me and I need help cultivating motivation. Okay, now I've lost motivation to even complete this entry! I realize the work that is required for above mentioned list is gainful/rewarding/giving a return. Is it because I am unable to get a taste or see a glimpse of the result? Is that reality to first be able to taste and see before conjuring up the motivation to reach the goal? Were we supposed to have tasted/seen a glimpse of heaven to know that we have something wonderful to look forward to? I must have missed the presentation on that. Or another loony idea is that we have to trust in the potential - believe in the unseen/intangible product of our work to motivate us. What an unsavory negative attitude I have, it's admittedly sickening.

Sure, the journey is what's important, not the end result...but again it's the motivation to continue the journey that is floundering. I feel dim. When instead I wish to "shine bright like a diamond" LOL. The end.