The pains of being pure at heart

What a great band name. They also play great music. I managed to barely pass today's exam after agonizingly going over the notes the night before with a hangover that left me with no recollection of how I got home Saturday night. Way to go, me. On the bright side, the bridal shower was incredible. My very dear friend Miranda insisted on hosting one at her house, and I was most grateful. I felt so lucky to be amongst my closest friends who so genuinely celebrated my getting married. Pictures will ensue.

Another good friend of mine, Meagan, left for the Phillipines today to manage a company branch that has been outsourced. For several months she mulled over whether or not she was willing to put herself in a completely different world outside of "home." I told her it was a good idea; it was always good to have some culture. Her main concern revolved around the conveniences that she believed would not be at her disposal (such as food, hygiene products, and television). I smiled to myself when she expressed her sore disdain for the third world country. But I can understand exactly where she's coming from (television and all!), which is the sad part. I just think it's unfortunate that we get so caught up in our little bubble with our comforts, conveniences, and safety nets. That is so human of us! It was a lesson for myself seeing as I'm the greatest culprit of them all...I sound my trumpet of Jesus and His saving grace, yet I'm too much of a weenie to step out of my bubble and live like Jesus did. I'm interested in God's plan for Meagan. I know God has a hold on her and I'm curious to see how she will react - I'm praying it will be a step towards finding Him! I know God puts us in uncomfortable places sometimes to open our eyes to new experiences which mature us.

I want to mature.

My favorite cereal

It gets pretty soggy really quickly, but it is the best cereal there is. Yummy enough for me to pour a bowl and attempt to eat it on the car ride to school. Of course I spilled it all into the cup holder...again. In other news, I went to my first AA meeting today. I'm a little embarrassed, but at least I can view it as a learning experience. I received a silver 24 hour coin.

Mud pies

"We are half-hearted creatures, fooling around with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."

- C.S. Lewis

Almost the weekend

I just downloaded The Album Leaf discography. I can't wait to listen to it this weekend. In other news, tomorrow is my very last clinical for this semester. The end is so close, yet so far. I'm praying for Danish, that God gives him strength and ability. He has an unmericiful year ahead of him as he starts his master's degree and internship while working full time...I'm so proud of him. I promised him I will try my best to cook him good food, drink less alcohol, and not act like I'm right all the time. It can be my New Year's resolution! Now I'm off to start the weekend early by watching The Hurt Locker at the dollar theater.

Nice

Going on the wedding playlist.

Worth

"Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." Luke 23:7

What does God possibly see in me that He would love me the way He does? Oh right - Jesus. I can't even begin to understand that; there's nothing in me that merits anything but hell.

It's astounding how it's still a mystery to me.

Restless

For some reason these past couple of days have been terribly slow. I'm anxious for this week to be over. I'm not sure how to describe it, but sometimes I'm overcome with a wave of crazy thoughts and feelings which make me capable of causing some serious damage...I'm like a ticking time bomb. I want to crawl out of my skin. I disgust myself. I wonder if I've become accustomed to the drastic turn of events that systematically occur in my life that I unknowingly sabotage the things that are good and stable. I wish I didn't feel like such a...lunatic.

Goodnight

(I've resorted to Lala since the other player never works.)

Movies at the dollar theater

I will watch these after my test next week. I can't wait!

Conflict

After much delay, Danish and I finally drove to Tyler. It was a good drive; we talked about his job, school, wedding plans, future plans, and of course Don Miller. We arrived at Glenwood Church of Christ about the time he began to speak. He was much more soft-spoken than I had imagined, really nerdy and funny. Good natured. The meat of his message went as follows:

In every narrative, there is conflict. What makes it a good story is when the main character takes action and the conflict changes them. Adam was created in God's very image. He was so close to God that he could converse with him in the garden in his birthday suit and it was alright. However, he was still unfulfilled - he was lonely; God created him to want (a woman). Instead of giving him his desires, God told him to name all the animals. Conflict. This conflict lasted a while. Then God created Eve, and Adam was happy. I love how Don Miller said God did this to protect Eve because the conflict added value to her, to their companionship.

Unlike Shakespearean literature, life does not have an Act III where the story climaxes and the main character takes the right action to end all conflict. There is astounding value to what is on the other side of conflict. The Christian understands this in a profound way. We don't even belong in this world, and all the conflict we encounter makes Heaven that much sweeter. Heaven is void of conflict; in life conflict will never end. We may as well approach it with joy because ultimately we will come out the other side, stronger. When we know where we are in the narrative map of life, we experience meaning (there is something better for me once this passes, and the only way I can appreciate it is if I get through this). It has been suggested that humans innately seek pleasure; but really, we seek meaning...we numb oursleves with pleasure because we do not know our meaning.

I would say it was a hopeful message. He said a bunch of other insightful things, too. He definitely doesn't try to sell Jesus. More importanly I think he lives what he says, which many people who claim to be Christian do not demonstrate. There's comfort in knowing that I'm never going to be completely good, but that's ok. I have the opportunity to at least try to the best of my ability because it matters to God. One day, I'll thank Him for making me experience all the things I didn't want to experience.

Does it ever end?

NEVER!

Tyler

I'm going to Tyler, Texas today to see Don Miller speak for his book tour, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. I missed his appearance here in Dallas and Fort Worth. I don't know why I want to go. Perhaps it's that void I want to fill; perhaps I truly believe I need more inspiration. I'll be sure to write about the impression I get. It's sad to know I have every ounce of hope in that I would change after this event - even if it's the slightest change towards the better.

Unmotivated

I want to feel something other than emptiness. I want to feel remorse and to CONFESS my sins. Instead, I am apathetic and desensitized. I do not care about her, about him, about you, or about myself. I do not want to pursue anymore relationships; they are all meaningless. Everyone do their own things, I will do mine - let us not make any difference to one another, in one another.

Life

The heart asks pleasure first,
And then, excuse from pain;
And then, those little anodynes
That deaden suffering;

And then, to go to sleep;
And then, if it should be
The will of its Inquisitor,
The liberty to die.

-Emily Dickinson

Things & such

My mind is going a mile a minute! But congratulations to my wonderful husband on getting hired for his job today! I love you and I hope we make it after all.