Not quite

Undeserving

God chose very well for me despite my unworthiness. Thank you Lord for my husband. 

"Daddy is mad"

I have no words to describe my disappointment. In myself, mostly. If I could keep myself as far away from him, maybe I won't remember the way back. Then going our separate ways won't feel so bad. Because the closer I try to get to him, the more painful the burn of rejection is. Sadly, he doesn't understand. Even this when he reads it, is nothing but trash. 

Nothing pisses me off more than realizing something that is common sense known by most intelligent people...

Explode

What is it that I am looking for? Why can't I find contentment in this? What is so wrong with me? 

I want someone to tell me I'm okay, that I'm normal. That my crazy isn't crazy. That I'm just a dreamer and its okay to feel dissatisfied sometimes. I want someone to tell me I don't have to feel guilty. I want someone to tell me they love me the way I am. That my abnormal is normal. That I'm just a romantic and it's okay to feel crummy sometimes. 

What is it that I am looking for? There's no such thing as a perfect rainbow. What's so wrong with me?

That perfect note. That perfect ocean. That perfect embrace. That perfect sentence. That person strum. That perfect heart. 

I want to be good. What's so wrong with me?

I'm sorry

I go from starry-eyed to crestfallen in zero to sixty. It's exhausting. 

Lesson

"Many people turn away from me when they are exhausted. They associate me with duty and diligence, so they try to hide from my presence when they need a break from work. How this saddens me! As I spoke through my prophet Isaiah: in returning to me and resting in me you shall be saved; in quiet and trust shall be your strength." - Jesus Calling

Turn towards Him, not away. Why a concept!

R-tard

I hope to God, Jesus, Buddha, Joseph Smith, Santa, the Spaghetti Monster in the Sky, whoever and whatever - that I don't fuck this up. Because he means so much to me. Oh, and more importantly, because it's time to grow the fuck up. 

“Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.”

- Fyodor Dostoevsky 

I'm here

And it's just the beginning but maybe I'll make it after all. I miss the Texas heat, the laughter of my friends, the comfort of familiarity. But this place seems to quietly beckon me in subtle ways. We sat out in the backyard at dusk, with the dogs and the baby and the fireflies, and a sense of peace came over me. I can't explain it - no one can. But I know deep inside our love for one another will prevail, and most importantly God's love for both of us will prevail and we're going to make it. 

Life's difficulties, it's all a test...to refine us, to sanctify us, to prepare us for eternity. It's a blessing to have them and overcome them with the power of God alone so all glory goes to Him. I'm not there yet. Neither of us are. We have our weaknesses, sin's seductive embrace seems too much to resist...hoping to practice the fear of The Lord...and to understand more of His mercy and love. 

Wet blanket

Amnesia of the heart

God desires for us to come to Him with everything. He being our Creator knows us intimately, even more so than we know ourselves. These words are found in the Bible. What keeps me from drawing closer to Him is not only the shame of my shortcomings but a general laziness and unwillingness to obey. I wish God would deliver me from troubles without any effort on my part. And the reality is He has on so many occasions! I have amnesia of any and all good things in my life. Exasperated sigh. 

The instructions of the Lord are perfect, reviving the soul. The decrees of the Lord are trustworthy, making wise the simple. The commandments of the Lord are right, bringing joy to the heart. The commands of the Lord are clear, giving insight for living. Reverence for the Lord is pure, lasting forever. The laws of the Lord are true; each one is fair. They are more desirable than gold, even the finest gold. They are sweeter than honey, even honey dripping from the comb. They are a warning to your servant, a great reward for those who obey them. How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart? Cleanse me from these hidden faults. Keep your servant from deliberate sins! Don’t let them control me. Then I will be free of guilt and innocent of great sin. May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer. (Psalms 19:7-14 NLT)

Fart in the wind

Come now, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit"— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, "If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that." (James 4:13-15 ESV)

Lord, if it is in Your will give me the wisdom and ability to be joyful.

Path of stones

Sadly I FEEL as though God continues to test me without allowing rest. I know He provides rest and blah blah blah. When things seem to gradually fall into place...I am made to suffer yet another long journey of faith. My negative attitude paints my life into a dreary picture of sorrow instead of a bright, hopeful piece of art reflecting the Artist. The carving of my character is painful...no one can tell me otherwise because it's my pain to bear. What may be a mild honing for others is a mauling for me. It's just my temperament...I can't change that.

Now I'm definitely not stating that these tests of faith are unnecessary...they are absolutely necessary to prepare me for eternity. God loves me so greatly that He continues to refine me so that I can partake in His glory. But how much more whittling down can I take? Will I only become a mere sliver of myself, "Christ-like" in all other ways? Clearly I am having identity issues...if I am a child of God yet we are to be Christ-like, is my very own nature garbage? Is my entire nature sinful garbage? I should desire to be Christ-like so I what am I holding onto? My identity should be in Christ...but I guess I am still blinded to what that may be.

Hence my dragging feet into the next paved road of blessings I am unwilling to discover. I have bathed in blessings after a long, arduous journey...but my memory fails me. All I can do is to pray for those marvelous, fine memories of redemption to cut me as sharply and deeply as do the painful and sad ones.

Lord, allow me the ability to provide security, joy, and laughter to my little one. Deliver me from loneliness and despair. Teach me to trust in Your goodness as I walk into the unknown. I have no one but You to hold onto. Grant me the strength to hold on...

Motivation

This is a very well known concept: anything that is worth it requires work. A relationship with Jesus, marriage, family, a cozy home, a nice body, financial security. Did I list my priorities just now? You better believe I went back and added that first one onto the list. At any rate, are humans the only entity in the universe that lose motivation and crumble and decay? And the mass suicide of lemmings does not count since it's a misconception of their migratory behavior (just looked it up). Even if it wasn't, active suicide seems more motivational than passive decay.

I am sure somewhere in nature, there is an example of lack of motivation. However, the problem specifically lies in me and I need help cultivating motivation. Okay, now I've lost motivation to even complete this entry! I realize the work that is required for above mentioned list is gainful/rewarding/giving a return. Is it because I am unable to get a taste or see a glimpse of the result? Is that reality to first be able to taste and see before conjuring up the motivation to reach the goal? Were we supposed to have tasted/seen a glimpse of heaven to know that we have something wonderful to look forward to? I must have missed the presentation on that. Or another loony idea is that we have to trust in the potential - believe in the unseen/intangible product of our work to motivate us. What an unsavory negative attitude I have, it's admittedly sickening.

Sure, the journey is what's important, not the end result...but again it's the motivation to continue the journey that is floundering. I feel dim. When instead I wish to "shine bright like a diamond" LOL. The end.

Good times

I think I know how to live in the moment. I don't dwell on the past or worry about the future. Not as much as I think I do...when I'm alone, my thoughts are relatively simple and calm. I think about how adorable Hannah is. I think about the next thing I might eat in order to not gain weight. I think about Danish of course. I think about my parents and what they could possibly be doing at that time. I think about what I will do that day to interest Hannah. I think about how blessed I am. I think about thinking and how not a lot bothers me much these days. Hm...I think that's good. Good times.

Test

I've been slacking in my writing. I think I ought to write more...even when I don't have to desire to. The lack of desire stems from the fear of sounding inarticulate and retarded because I can't seem to find the perfect, eloquent words to describe my thoughts and feelings. A legitimate fear for a writer, I think, but nevertheless I should write. For the sake of writing. For the sake of hobbies/interests/anything that could add substance to my person.

I have recently become open to the prospect of moving out of Texas. This in itself was a journey I will write about another time. I was hopeful that once I opened myself up, God will immediately open a door for us and we would be on our merry way to happily ever after. Yet we are still in the here, nothing has changed. Not even a puff of wind to turn a single leaf. I'm not distressed by any means, but I may be slightly disheartened. I know God is working even when we don't see anything happen with our naked eye. I know He is moving His hand over us and all those connected to us to unfold an outcome that will display His sovereignty. I know He is wise and can skillfully place each piece of our Rubik's cube lives in the exact place He wills in order for His glory to be shown. Why would I try and get in the way of that?

Because I'm impatient and a control freak. I'm fearful that this could be forever, that we won't get to have a happily ever. I'm being facetious about "happily ever" but to be honest I would be happy if we could just move out of my parents' home and into a home of our own. Then there are those connected to us - my parents, my younger brother...whichever direction our Rubik's cube piece moves, their pieces will move as well...and only God knows and will place them in the right place. This is the reason we are in a waiting period...His hand IS moving even though we cannot see it.

I think what I'm doing is called having faith...at least that is what I've learned so far in life. At least that is how I'm coping with this. I've opened myself up to moving, now if I could open myself up to praying that as we wait for The Lord He will supply us with joy. Because whatever the outcome is with this situation, His glory will shine. Praise God. I want so much to share in that joy.

Texas

I wonder what life would be like outside of this bubble. I probably would like it...but I don't want to. It probably would be exciting and fulfilling, but I'm just so desperate for safe and boring after all the raging calamities I have incurred.

Happy Valentine's Day

Collapsing was much softer
Still falling always hurt
Only after sensing love
For always ever burned

Justified my folly
My affluent disguise
Removed revealing nothing
Nothing unforgiven lies, unforgiven lies

And no one loves me like You
No one loves me the way You do
No one loves me like You
No one loves me the way, way that You do

Touch the rose unfearful is to meet the thorn
Pierce the heart's emotion
And feel the emptiness no more
Emptiness no more

No one loves me like You
No one loves me the way You do
No one loves me like You
No one loves me the way You do

Took some time
To realize I've fallen

No one loves me like the way You love me

The end

This is a morbid and disturbing thought, but I think the way I will end up dead is somehow I will be repugnantly drunk, rudely offend/hurt/humiliate those I love, fall down a flight of stairs (naked), and bleed my soul out of my crushed skull.

In other words, as much as I talk about suicide, my death will actually be a very horrible accident.

Toddler

I love this picture of Hannah...she's watching the water fountain and eating a sample chocolate cookie. Good times at the mall in the middle of the week.

How To Find a Hobby

"Having a hobby helps to make you a more interesting person and gives you something fascinating to talk about with others. It can also help you to avoid feeling bored and often provides the opportunity to meet new people with similar interests. Learning something new is always good for keeping the mind alert and active, as is maintaining a long-term interest in something that enthralls you. This will also make you more of an interesting person than a person who is addicted to Facebook, watching TV, or doing other time wasting and unhealthy tasks, such as stuffing your gut."

Touché.

Limbo

Where are we going? Why can't we be settled?

I hate to be near the sea, and to hear it roaring and raging like a wild beast in its den. It puts me in mind of the everlasting efforts of the human mind, struggling to be free, and ending just where it began.

- William Hazlitt

Do you understand?

"I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone...they will be forced to deal with pain."

- James Arthur Baldwin

I don't want to remember how much you hurt me...so instead I dwell on how much I hate her. Strangely, I am burdened with a sinister feeling that the more I hate her, the happier she seems to fare. How is it that my love for you turns me into a monster?

It's going to take me some time...

Leave

I don't believe there is ever really a 'happiest moment' in one's life. Still waiting to see the humor in this situation.

Wish I could explain

This is the worst feeling ever - to go from hopeful to hopeless in one night. What happened? Who gives a shit about goals and dreams when you're let down by someone you love? Bizarre. Meds. Despondency. Like I said, I wish I could explain...

The New Year

Be mellow, soft-spoken, and respectful, forget the past, and pray more.