R-tard

I hope to God, Jesus, Buddha, Joseph Smith, Santa, the Spaghetti Monster in the Sky, whoever and whatever - that I don't fuck this up. Because he means so much to me. Oh, and more importantly, because it's time to grow the fuck up. 

Motivation

This is a very well known concept: anything that is worth it requires work. A relationship with Jesus, marriage, family, a cozy home, a nice body, financial security. Did I list my priorities just now? You better believe I went back and added that first one onto the list. At any rate, are humans the only entity in the universe that lose motivation and crumble and decay? And the mass suicide of lemmings does not count since it's a misconception of their migratory behavior (just looked it up). Even if it wasn't, active suicide seems more motivational than passive decay.

I am sure somewhere in nature, there is an example of lack of motivation. However, the problem specifically lies in me and I need help cultivating motivation. Okay, now I've lost motivation to even complete this entry! I realize the work that is required for above mentioned list is gainful/rewarding/giving a return. Is it because I am unable to get a taste or see a glimpse of the result? Is that reality to first be able to taste and see before conjuring up the motivation to reach the goal? Were we supposed to have tasted/seen a glimpse of heaven to know that we have something wonderful to look forward to? I must have missed the presentation on that. Or another loony idea is that we have to trust in the potential - believe in the unseen/intangible product of our work to motivate us. What an unsavory negative attitude I have, it's admittedly sickening.

Sure, the journey is what's important, not the end result...but again it's the motivation to continue the journey that is floundering. I feel dim. When instead I wish to "shine bright like a diamond" LOL. The end.

Still waiting for the better that comes after the worse

I have no way of knowing whether or not you married the wrong person, but I do know that many people have a lot of wrong ideas about marriage and what it takes to make that marriage happy and successful. I'll be the first to admit that it's possible that you did marry the wrong person. However, if you treat the wrong person like the right person, you could well end up having married the right person after all. On the other hand, if you marry the right person, and treat that person wrong, you certainly will have ended up marrying the wrong person. I also know that it is far more important to be the right kind of person than it is to marry the right person. In short, whether you married the right or wrong person is primarily up to you.

-Zig Ziglar

Respect

“I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.”

- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Three days

Lord, give me a gentle tone, an encouraging voice, an understanding heart, a soft touch, a calm demeanor...help me to love and respect my husband even as he hurts me deeply.

Lacey granny panties

I hope I can make this right again. I hope I can rise above the pain. I hope I don't burn out. Stumble. Fade.

Good Morning, Hypocrite

Seems like the roads stretch out like veins, but there's no heart.
Nature's haircut is concrete now, and we played our part.
So we sing...

I've lost my taste for modern things. They're not for me.
I want mundane: a quiet place, where time is free,
And I can sing...

Climbed from my bed, to collect the thoughts that'd fallen from my head,
And you watched me sink, through the carpet, through the basement, and beyond.
And you didn't blink.

On the glass, I traced the sun with my thumb. It sank into the ground.
And then the stars were blinking, like kids who were staring into the wind.
So I climbed through the window and walked until I lost my name.
Now I can play the victim. It's fine. I've seen it on TV.
But if there's one thing I know, it's that I never really know enough.

Our heads, our hands, our brains, our lungs: they're just machines.
These hearts are all that we've got left, and they don't beat.

Live a little, talk a lot; it's the way this goes.
I've come to fear the little knives beneath their well-pressed clothes.
Their arms are reaching; reach is spreading through the neon glow.
Their mouths are moving, but their voices sound like telephones.
The traffic hums; the traffic grumbles near my old window.
The street lights flicker; glow and hover like suspended snow.
I used to watch the moon retreat and wonder where it goes.
Now I just wonder why my head is overrun with ghosts.

Danish, my accuser/my encourager

But you, Sovereign Lord,
help me for your name's sake;
out of the goodness of your love, deliver me.
For I am poor and needy,
and my heart is wounded within me.
I fade away like an evening shadow;
I am shaken off like a locust.
My knees give way from fasting;
my body is thin and gaunt.
I am an object of scorn to my accusers;
when they see me, they shake their heads.
Help me, Lord my God;
save me according to your unfailing love. (Psalm 109:21-26 NIV)

In sickness and in health

I am physically love sick for him and the only cure is to be loved in return.

If only

"The man who hates and divorces his wife," says the Lord, the God of Israel, "does violence to the one he should protect," says the Lord Almighty. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful. (Malachi 2:16 NIV)

Danish

You're a light and I'm a shadow, I'll be wherever you'll be but I'm afraid I'll never feel the warmth of your love. And even that's okay so long as you keep shining bright so that I can keep being wherever you'll be.

Love

"Love feels no burden, regards not labors, strives toward more than it attains, argues not of impossibility, since it believes that it may and can do all things. Therefore it avails for all things, and fulfils and accomplishes much where one not a lover falls and lies helpless."

-Thomas à Kempis (1380-1471), in The Imitation of Christ

On The Radio

This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath
No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again

It's hard to explain

Says he can't decide
I shake my head to say
Everything's just great

Equivalent retaliation

It's disheartening to be told that I'm not fully repentant, although I feel like I am. Apparently I am to disregard my own anguish in order to display a behavior reflecting change. I'm so tired of thinking these things - tit for tat mind games. To be honest...if this is my reality, I could probably survive. I've been doing it for two months now. So many women do it on a daily basis. I'm sick of my pride. Sick of my selfish nature. I wish I wasn't the one trying to hold this marriage together. I wish I didn't feel this way, but I do.

Tired

I feel drained of energy...I'm lost and confused, I feel betrayed...mourning the death of something that will never be mine again.

Fade into you

I think it's glamorous to have marital problems. It's quite wonderful experiencing this crippling anguish and depression. It means something extraordinary when I doubt both my own love for my husband as well as his love for me. These endless arguments and abusive language just make me feel so alive! Not to mention the unbearably loud silences help me to reflect on the deep and enthralling aspects of this marriage. There is just something so deliciously tragic about leaving the house with a smile on my face while inside my heart is broken. I love drama! It adds such excitement to my boring life. Nothing beats the disappointment of being let down after indulging in the short-term illusion of believing that someone else can make you happy. Happiness is overrated. When things are good, I remind myself that it's only temporary. Everything good in this marriage is a result of a sacrifice, and everyone knows making sacrifices is dumb. If not sacrifices, it's trading one thing for another for pure gain; a cute little game that involves manipulation - how provocative! I find great satisfaction in the erratic and formidable nature of this marriage which is the bane of my existence.

I miss Tank

I think I'm beginning to enjoy my 12-hour clinicals, which is a huge relief. Not only that, I will be done with all of them before spring break. This will give me ample time to study and recover from the series of poor grades I've been making on these recent tests.

In other news, I'm in love with my husband. Something I've learned from the second counseling meeting is that I can't look to Danish to fulfill my emptiness; only God can do that. But by being married, it is a constant struggle to die to myself and be more Christ-like. It's been good and I can see how this will be an interesting journey.

Sacred Marriage

This is the book we're reading for the marriage counseling.

Whatever

So Danish and I begin our marriage counseling tomorrow at 6 at my friend Miranda's church. I don't know what to expect because the last marriage seminar Danish and I attended was FUCKING bogus. We just ate till our bellies were full of Uncle Julio's and listened dumbly to a couple who had a barrage of problems including infidelity but still managed to stay to together and have a "happy marriage." Fantastic. I resent Danish a lot. It's terrible for me to admit it here, in public. I try to make it seem we have a decent relationship, where we respect one another and love one another. However, that's not always the case...I am aware that marriage takes work...I could hate Danish, but that is no grounds for me to behave the way I have been. I've been extremely selfish lately...probably ever since we've been married; I haven't taken the marriage seriously. I am overwhelmed with guilt and confusion. Guilt because deep inside I know it's wrong; confusion because I'm not sure how I'm supposed to behave! So many people have already told me how it will be a struggle the first 5 years...correction, the first 10 years. That seems ridiculous to me; why get married in the first place?! These are all questions I don't have the answer to, and I hope to have some rational ideas post-marriage counseling. I suppose I just have to approach this with a mature attitude and understand that even if the counseling is unsuccessful, Danish and I will at least take away a lesson or two from it. That's the mature thing to do, right?