Broken

I am constantly reminded that I am nothing but a sinner...saved by grace. If it were not for Jesus Christ, I am truly nothing! My words mean nothing, my actions are nothing, my passions are meaningless. I find my worth in the love of God...I believe C.S. Lewis said, "Christ died not for men but for each man. If each had been the only man made, He would have done no less." How beautiful is that? When it comes to my existence, truthfully, I don't care about all the intelligence in the world to 'prove' God; I am unabashedly content in knowing that I was created to be loved by my Creator! This phase in my life is seriously nothing to boast about: I am still unemployed, my career is set on hold as I await a decision from the Board of Nursing, I am consumed with heartache as my parents' departure approaches, my marriage is light years away from perfect, and (as with anyone) I am uncertain about my future. Yet, I know that God loves me! His plans for me are GOOD. Tonight may have been a more difficult night than any, but I am relying on that undescribable peace...God's provisions are always sufficient!

Belches and farts, bills and insecurities

I love life. Even when it's not pretty.

Whatever

So Danish and I begin our marriage counseling tomorrow at 6 at my friend Miranda's church. I don't know what to expect because the last marriage seminar Danish and I attended was FUCKING bogus. We just ate till our bellies were full of Uncle Julio's and listened dumbly to a couple who had a barrage of problems including infidelity but still managed to stay to together and have a "happy marriage." Fantastic. I resent Danish a lot. It's terrible for me to admit it here, in public. I try to make it seem we have a decent relationship, where we respect one another and love one another. However, that's not always the case...I am aware that marriage takes work...I could hate Danish, but that is no grounds for me to behave the way I have been. I've been extremely selfish lately...probably ever since we've been married; I haven't taken the marriage seriously. I am overwhelmed with guilt and confusion. Guilt because deep inside I know it's wrong; confusion because I'm not sure how I'm supposed to behave! So many people have already told me how it will be a struggle the first 5 years...correction, the first 10 years. That seems ridiculous to me; why get married in the first place?! These are all questions I don't have the answer to, and I hope to have some rational ideas post-marriage counseling. I suppose I just have to approach this with a mature attitude and understand that even if the counseling is unsuccessful, Danish and I will at least take away a lesson or two from it. That's the mature thing to do, right?

Just nod if you can hear me

I miss my family. I haven't been able to go home to see them lately and I think it's taking an emotional toll on me. I have also been ignoring God these past few weeks and that is taking a toll on my spiritual health. I feel rotten and expendable...guilty mostly. I know I can make a greater difference if I could just allow myself to be molded. I wish I could point the way to Christ but my life doesn't reflect anything admirable or even desirable. Perhaps my hot new husband...but it could just be that I got really lucky. Danish must feel very fulfilled that his job is to help people everyday. He's so much better than me in so many ways. I'm a shit stain compared to him. I want to change my habits and just be better...Apparently I'm experiencing something called the "Christian burden" which sounds virtuous and noble, but it's the worst kind of angst there is. Anyway, I will try to get some sleep and hope that tomorrow will be different in a good way. I know God is wise and His plans are unfathomable, and somehow I will have a little part in it which will fulfill my purpose here.

Really, a drunken post...

But I say all this out of love for humanity. There is hope in that God didn't just leave us here to fend for ourselves. He left us here with others who also have a passion for Him, and I am at ease with that. Before, not so much since we live in such a fallen world...don't you agree? It's so easy to be self-satisfied...at any rate, I am convinced that there are others who love humanity as much as I do, and love the LOVE of God as much as I do. It's definitely not a matter of religion; it's an obsessive, uncontrolled love stupor for the Creator who is consistently drawing us towards Him. My tiny, insignificant existence is of importance to Him, and I feel that with all my heart. He loves me because He created me to love me. How awesome is that!

Take our hands out of control

No, yeah! I had a shit load of fun tonight. I just learned the definition of "fleeting."