Someday somehow, this will all make sense...why I had to go through the fire. I believe the Lord is good and His plans for me are good and not harmful. I won't be able to enjoy what He has in store for me in the next chapter of my life unless I endured the gruesome hardships in this one. I love my husband and have done everything I can to bring him back home, but the Lord has a different idea. I fully trust Him to know what's best for me and Hannah, and I will remain faithful and hopeful.

Proverbs 1:7

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge,
       but fools despise wisdom and discipline.

I wish I could learn my lessons quickly and not have to deal with the consequences at a much later time. It appears to be a repeating behavior. My lack of impulse control paired with blatant disregard for those around me has time and again placed me in the lowest of positions, a grave if you will. It is disgusting the kind of prayers I whisper to God when I face my rude awakenings: Please, Lord, if You can just get me out of this one I promise I will be a changed person...Then of course when things don't pan out the way I had hoped, I view God disdainfully, believing Him to be a just yet unmerciful God who ensures that I pay for my sins to the fullest extent. I am utterly horrified with my own actions, my uncanny ability to scorn God when I have to 'pay' for my mistakes and my astonishing blindness to His glory and blessings. Even I know the likes of me are considered foolish. In all seriousness, I am desperate for a change in my character. At this time, absolutely nothing else holds greater bearing.

Prayer

Tonight, I've been awakened to the profound meaning of prayer - praying, knowing God listens. I admit to praying while simultaneously doubting whether my words ever reach God, or if they are merely bouncing off the ceiling and walls. Not only so, but having prayers answered immediately seems so unlikely that I could see how one could believe it is but coincidence when circumstances change for the better. I hope you can agree with me that it would be ridiculous for man to serve a god who is much like a gumball machine, where you drop in a coin and get a gumball. Furthermore, how are we certain that we always know what is best for us? The last time I acted on what I thought was best for me, I landed in the slammer. With that being said, there is not one prayer God leaves unaddressed - the only thing is they are answered at the proper time.

Because I have no intentions of producing offspring just yet, I have no idea how disheartening it would be to be barren. A character in the Bible named Elizabeth was barren. In those days, a woman's value was largely measured by her ability to bear children; therefore, to be aging and without children often led to personal hardship and public shame. Nevertheless, even during this time, she and her husband Zechariah remained faithful and blameless (blameless does not mean sinless, but that they were free from willful sins - intentional sins). Zechariah, being a prist, was often experiencing God in ways that perhaps Elizabeth could not, possibly leaving her very lonely. One day, an angel appeared to Zechariah telling him Elizabeth will bear a child in her old age and they were to name the baby John, who will eventually become the messenger for Jesus. When Zechariah expressed disbelief, the angel responded with, "...it will come true at their proper time" (Luke 1:20). Sure enough, John came into the picture and paved the way for Jesus' arrival.

I relate to the heavy feeling of frustration and diappointment when things that seem to come easily to others doesn't come easily to me. For example, it seems unfair when a coke addict becomes pregnant then abandons her baby in an elevator, while a loving, nurturing woman finds herself barren. Or when a person who has been praying for very a long time to meet the right person sees their friend, who prayed all but 30 minutes, walk down the aisle. In my case, I struggle with the fact that I am still without a job. This is petty, but truth be told I've Facebook blocked everyone I've gone to nursing school with because I don't particularly want to see their status updates about their new jobs. I'm happy for them, but at the same time I get a sick feeling in my stomach.

However, the story of Elizabeth and Zechariah encourages me to remain faithful in prayer during this waiting period. I love that prayer is what characterizes my relationship with God. What separates us from God is but this natural world, a thin veil that will be lifted in the end. God answers in the proper time...when I get a job, it will be because He willed for it to occur at the exact time that will fulfill my purpose. And God never receives more glory than when we can say beyond question, "The Lord has done this for me."

Broken

I am constantly reminded that I am nothing but a sinner...saved by grace. If it were not for Jesus Christ, I am truly nothing! My words mean nothing, my actions are nothing, my passions are meaningless. I find my worth in the love of God...I believe C.S. Lewis said, "Christ died not for men but for each man. If each had been the only man made, He would have done no less." How beautiful is that? When it comes to my existence, truthfully, I don't care about all the intelligence in the world to 'prove' God; I am unabashedly content in knowing that I was created to be loved by my Creator! This phase in my life is seriously nothing to boast about: I am still unemployed, my career is set on hold as I await a decision from the Board of Nursing, I am consumed with heartache as my parents' departure approaches, my marriage is light years away from perfect, and (as with anyone) I am uncertain about my future. Yet, I know that God loves me! His plans for me are GOOD. Tonight may have been a more difficult night than any, but I am relying on that undescribable peace...God's provisions are always sufficient!

A Woman's Heart: God's Dwelling Place

This is the book we are using for Bible study. I am learning SO much! I hope to share with you some amazing insights whenever I get a chance.

My heart feels like it will explode with love

To make myself useful (and more importantly not a worthless dirtbag), I've picked up a part-time job helping out my friend Meredith. She works for a CPA company and my job will be to make a round of calls to various companies to ask what accounting software they use. It's a research call not a sales call, to my relief. I find this opportunity to be a God-send because apparently I've missed my jumping off point for my career as a nurse; the next graduate nurse internships won't be available until the fall. Not to worry, the Lord said to me. I am greatly enjoying this time off and Danish is more than capable of supporting the both of us while we wait for me to find a job. Even that I'm not worried about. I received this degree for a purpose, I'm certain it will be utilized...confidently for God's glory. It will be a gratifying moment when my ambition is realized.

In other news, Danish's co-worker gave birth to a little girl who is 6 weeks early. Hopefully her stay in the NICU will be short and sweet. This Saturday is Nicole and Jake's wedding, I'm so excited for them. And finally, Sunday is the last 4th of July we'll spend as a family before my parents take off for the mission field!

A great quote I found which may or may not relate to this post: Life isn't about being a "productive member of society" – it's about love, relationships, and community. I couldn't agree more.

Weekend

This past weekend was quite eventful. Friday, we went over to Nate and Meg's house for dinner and met one of Nate's friends and his girlfriend. The conversations were funny, the food was delicious (BBQ and veggies), and the night ended fairly late - which is always a good thing. I think I may have mentioned before about Nate and Meg moving far away for a job he was going to take, but they ended up not going. I'm sad but happy because I really cherish our friendship with them. Like us, they are also a newly married couple with a heart for God and I get along with both of them so well! It's always nice to be able to have running inside jokes and to have the openness to share prayer requests with one another.

Saturday, Danish's parents moved into their new house off Midway so they needed our help in moving some things from the old house to the new house. We first met with them at Little Gus Cafe for brunch. I had the Eggs Benedict and Danish had his usual French toast. The house is HUGE...and beautiful. I'm so happy for them as they have been waiting to close for so long but their old house had been on the market for about 4 months. After two car trips of bringing things over, we called it a day and Mom opened up a bottle of Port and we chatted about the 'grandchildren' coming over and spending the night.

That evening, we went over to Jake and Nicole's place for game night. We had BBQ and veggies again - so good. Danish and I made a beer run and also grabbed a bottle of spiced rum for Jake. I also gave away my half bottle of Parrot Bay coconut rum which I hate, and it felt good to get rid of it. Brian, Danish's brother, also came. Kevin and Christen, another couple from church, were there and also one of Nicole's friends, Tatiyana. Tatiyana is Russian and I was pleased to find out she lived in South Korea for a few years and we had conversation about growing up as an International kid. Later, Judy came over distressed from having a fight with her boyfriend. I could tell she just wanted to get her mind off of the situation but couldn't bring herself to enjoy the company or get into the games (we were playing Charades by the time she came). It saddens and angers me when my friends are struggling in their relationships - especially when I see them being treated so unfairly. And to top it off, this guy claims to be a Christian but clearly acts like a hypocrite. I think it definitely puts a blunder on her relationship with God and that sucks.

Sunday, we had a great Bible study lesson led by Kyle as Brad was out of pocket, having gone to his son's wedding the night before. From the sounds of it, the wedding was a success which is a true blessing since the bride was seriously ill and had been released from the hospital only a few days before the wedding. The Bible study was great because Kyle, who was just wrapping up with the Crown Financial Ministries studies, was generous enough to share with our group some of the things he had learned. The topic we chose as a group was 'work' and what the Bible says about it. Apparently God intended for man to work, and work was not a punishment for sin! Work was intended to be purposeful and satisfying, but sin caused man to toil and labor arduously for food. I found it interesting that God grants skills, abilities, and expertise as opposed to us acquiring it through many years of experience, and He also determines who will prosper and who will not so we cannot boast of our successes. The final lesson that came in on a tangent was the matter of efficiency; God expects us to work hard, but if there is an easier way to get things done, we ought to learn of those ways so we are free to use our time in other ways to bring glory to God. Kyle used the example of a nail gun vs. a hammer. The lesson was refreshing as I am in the midst of looking for a job...while dreading the prospect of working. I've never had a real job before and my work ethic is pathetic. However, I was reminded through the lesson that we are to work for the Lord, not for men. That surprisingly takes away the burden and apprehension of work...but it won't stop me from fervently praying that God does bless me with a job in which I do feel joy and satisfaction, not torture and despair. Work...oh, work...

Labor detail

So you ask, "Grace, how are you? What have you been up to?" and I will proceed to answer with much gusto. Firstly, I graduated from nursing school! Glorious! I never thought I would see the day when I would become a college graduate. Secondly, Danish has also completed his first semester of grad school...with all A's! I'm so proud of him. Thirdly, my parents are leaving as missionaries to Indonesia in September! Now that both my sister and I have graduated college, God has opened the door for them to return to their beloved Indonesia where I spent 10 years of my life growing up. They are incredibly happy and excited and are in the process of getting their affairs in order before leaving. Finally, Danish and I have completed our Sacred Marriage counseling session. We have learned so much from our group and I am so thankful to the Lord for such an opportunity.

Since school has been out, I have been trying to knock out my 'labor detail' days before Danish takes off work for vacation. I think I may have mentioned here and there, in minute detail, of getting into trouble with the law. As punishment, I am required to work 10 days for the city of Fort Worth. Jobs I've accomplished: cleaning a mean toilet, waiting patiently for time to pass, avoiding eye contact with creepy men, washing squad cars, and following orders promptly even when I don't understand exactly what the correction officer said. I have three more days left and some meaningful things I have gained from this experience include really learning my lesson, and becoming more aware of how so many people are in need of God's love. I feel guilty saying this, but the folks who come to labor detail look as if they have come straight out the woods. Most of them are older, working-class men and women, some with missing teeth, weathered skin, and horrible smoking habits. I am the only one with a college degree out of the people I have met so far. People lead such hard lives...some people don't even realize how hard they make it on themselves. Success carries a different meaning to them: being a crane operator means you have a good job; having a man to whom you're not married to but who will take care of your kids from a previous relationship means security; partying until you drop means you're leading the good life. I guess what I'm trying to say about God's love is that it really is for everyone - I mean, I'm there. It just made me sad to hear each person's story, especially the ones who boasted about why they were there and clearly did not learn their lesson. But I understand the necessity to be around these folks because it is a reminder of what I am - a sinner in need of grace. I am not better than they are for having a college degree, etc. nor am I worthier to get into heaven. It's funny how God turns even our mistakes into revelations. Nevertheless, I'm excited to finish next week and move on with my life! Of course I'd be wise to learn my lessons quickly instead of learning the hard way.

I love truth

How does one die to oneself? It's a mechanical phrase to say as a Christian, but I don't think I comprehend the meaning of it. Cindy, who leads our Sacred Marriage group with her husband Ron, read to us a quote on love:

Love is the commitment of my will to your needs and best interest regardless of the cost.

It's a real shame not to be able to put into action something that sounds as lovely and poignant as this. Jesus commands us to love one another and to be humble, gentle, and patient. I am thinking I just don't see the opportunity even when it arises.

Stop, think, act.

I keep hoping to feel utter remorse for this incapability of dying to myself as I write this, but I think it's gotten pass the point of sappy emotions. This knowledge demands a change in thought and attitude. Feelings are fleeting; I have to act on determination. My actions have been a result of whatever overwhelming commotion courses through my veins; it's caused nothing but trouble! It certainly would be amazing if I could channel that sort of passion into loving my fellow men, my brothers and sisters in Christ.

Le sigh. Strong mind.

About last night

"We judge oftentimes according to our own heart and our own affections and not according to the truth, for we lose the true judgment through our private love...Many persons, through a secret love that they have for themselves, work indiscreetly according to their own will and not according to the will of God, and yet they know it not. They seem to stand in great inward peace when things follow according to their own mind, but if it follow otherwise than they would, quickly they are moved with impatience and are very heavy and pensive."

- On the Love of God

NX35

We had a great time at Loni's birthday last night! We're headed to my parents to fix our bikes and play with Tank. My new shoes came in the mail! Then we're off to Denton to see The Flaming Lips, eat at Fuzzy's, and hang out. Four days with Danish! We have a ton of quality-time activities lined up and it's going to be sweet. God is so good!

TBON

Last night, I had another dream about losing teeth. This time it was one of my front teeth that was knocked out when Diana head-butted me on the dance floor. I tried to jam it back into the socket, causing much pain and discomfort. I went to a 'specialist' who said the surgery to put the tooth back in would cost me $5000.

"That's as much as a boob job!" I said.

"Yes, but people are willing to pay more money to have their teeth look nice rather than their breasts," he replied.

I reluctantly agreed with him and decided to put the expense on my already maxed out credit card, knowing Danish would kill me when he found out what I had done to our credit score.

Then I woke up because I had to pee. Needless to say, I checked myself out in the mirror to make sure I had all my teeth. When I went back to bed, I couldn't fall asleep. I laid there thinking about why I have these dreams. I think I've mentioned before that I have these 'mouth/teeth' dreams when I have some unresolved issues that are causing great anxiety both consciously and subconsciously. Then I thought if I could just believe my teeth will never fall out, I wouldn't worry so much. This is a stretch, but that is exactly what faith is - my faith in God. If I could just believe God will never give me more than I could bear and that He cares for me and loves me, then I wouldn't worry so much. That makes sense to me. My teeth are pretty sturdy, I floss everyday, I'm sure I have enough Vitamin C in my diet...I suppose I need to work on my faith with as much effort.

This is a ridiculously random epiphany, but I seem to learn that way. "For no temptation (no trial regarded as enticing to sin), [no matter how it comes or where it leads] has overtaken you and laid hold on you that is not common to man [that is, no temptation or trial has come to you that is beyond human resistance and that is not adjusted and adapted and belonging to human experience, and such as man can bear]. But God is faithful [to His Word and to His compassionate nature], and He [can be trusted] not to let you be tempted and tried and assayed beyond your ability and strength of resistance and power to endure, but with the temptation He will [always] also provide the way out (the means of escape to a landing place), that you may be capable and strong and powerful to bear up under it patiently." 1 Corinthians 10:13

Grave

I have to die to myself. Meaning I have to stop seeking instant gratification. "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." It's disappointing to know that I don't have enough faith to allow God to be in control. I end up making rash decisions fueled by alcohol which leave me buried deeper in the grave I've dug for myself.

Interestingly enough, I found this article which describes my impulsive, impatient nature. "People want material objects, relationships, or even success as soon as possible and because they aren’t patient enough to wait for their desires, they lose their own happiness in the process." I would say a lot of truth rings in this statement. Now to get my act together and wait patiently for God to lead me...it's easier said than done.

Just nod if you can hear me

I miss my family. I haven't been able to go home to see them lately and I think it's taking an emotional toll on me. I have also been ignoring God these past few weeks and that is taking a toll on my spiritual health. I feel rotten and expendable...guilty mostly. I know I can make a greater difference if I could just allow myself to be molded. I wish I could point the way to Christ but my life doesn't reflect anything admirable or even desirable. Perhaps my hot new husband...but it could just be that I got really lucky. Danish must feel very fulfilled that his job is to help people everyday. He's so much better than me in so many ways. I'm a shit stain compared to him. I want to change my habits and just be better...Apparently I'm experiencing something called the "Christian burden" which sounds virtuous and noble, but it's the worst kind of angst there is. Anyway, I will try to get some sleep and hope that tomorrow will be different in a good way. I know God is wise and His plans are unfathomable, and somehow I will have a little part in it which will fulfill my purpose here.

Smile like you mean it

Lately I've been at a loss for words. I type and delete. Then give up altogether. This barrage of inappropriate thoughts and emotions has rendered me futile in self-expression. It's like a fever; the temperature runs too high for normal body function. Yes, the wedding is next weekend. Regrettably, that is only the tip of the iceberg. I won't go into anymore detail for fear of boring you, but I've determined that my angst stems from my lack of healthy coping skills. Instead of turning to prayer and meditation (which I am aware would do me great benefit), I have been drinking much more excessively than usual. I lose a lot of respect in the process. For a while, I felt that perhaps I was getting cold feet of some nature. Although I'm already married, it hasn't quite felt official since my parents have insisted I stay home as much as possible until the wedding. I mean, I haven't even been able to share a bed with my own husband. Then the thought of going through the ritualistic torture called a wedding, leaving my dear parents and the house I grew up in, and moving in with a person whom I sometimes perceive as my greatest enemy...it's too much! Sure, such is life blah blah. Let me remind you I have the mental and emotional capacity of a 6-year-old. I live in my own little world of stability and disaster, an anomaly I can't even explain. So what am I facing here - is it a change towards stability or towards disaster? While I have been brooding over these uninteresting matters, I apparently 'forgot' to study for my practic HESI exams, thus failing them. Not to worry, they didn't count against me or anything. I'm utterly exasperated by my own feeble-mindedness. Get a freaking grip, right?

The pains of being pure at heart

What a great band name. They also play great music. I managed to barely pass today's exam after agonizingly going over the notes the night before with a hangover that left me with no recollection of how I got home Saturday night. Way to go, me. On the bright side, the bridal shower was incredible. My very dear friend Miranda insisted on hosting one at her house, and I was most grateful. I felt so lucky to be amongst my closest friends who so genuinely celebrated my getting married. Pictures will ensue.

Another good friend of mine, Meagan, left for the Phillipines today to manage a company branch that has been outsourced. For several months she mulled over whether or not she was willing to put herself in a completely different world outside of "home." I told her it was a good idea; it was always good to have some culture. Her main concern revolved around the conveniences that she believed would not be at her disposal (such as food, hygiene products, and television). I smiled to myself when she expressed her sore disdain for the third world country. But I can understand exactly where she's coming from (television and all!), which is the sad part. I just think it's unfortunate that we get so caught up in our little bubble with our comforts, conveniences, and safety nets. That is so human of us! It was a lesson for myself seeing as I'm the greatest culprit of them all...I sound my trumpet of Jesus and His saving grace, yet I'm too much of a weenie to step out of my bubble and live like Jesus did. I'm interested in God's plan for Meagan. I know God has a hold on her and I'm curious to see how she will react - I'm praying it will be a step towards finding Him! I know God puts us in uncomfortable places sometimes to open our eyes to new experiences which mature us.

I want to mature.

Almost the weekend

I just downloaded The Album Leaf discography. I can't wait to listen to it this weekend. In other news, tomorrow is my very last clinical for this semester. The end is so close, yet so far. I'm praying for Danish, that God gives him strength and ability. He has an unmericiful year ahead of him as he starts his master's degree and internship while working full time...I'm so proud of him. I promised him I will try my best to cook him good food, drink less alcohol, and not act like I'm right all the time. It can be my New Year's resolution! Now I'm off to start the weekend early by watching The Hurt Locker at the dollar theater.

Worth

"Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." Luke 23:7

What does God possibly see in me that He would love me the way He does? Oh right - Jesus. I can't even begin to understand that; there's nothing in me that merits anything but hell.

It's astounding how it's still a mystery to me.

Conflict

After much delay, Danish and I finally drove to Tyler. It was a good drive; we talked about his job, school, wedding plans, future plans, and of course Don Miller. We arrived at Glenwood Church of Christ about the time he began to speak. He was much more soft-spoken than I had imagined, really nerdy and funny. Good natured. The meat of his message went as follows:

In every narrative, there is conflict. What makes it a good story is when the main character takes action and the conflict changes them. Adam was created in God's very image. He was so close to God that he could converse with him in the garden in his birthday suit and it was alright. However, he was still unfulfilled - he was lonely; God created him to want (a woman). Instead of giving him his desires, God told him to name all the animals. Conflict. This conflict lasted a while. Then God created Eve, and Adam was happy. I love how Don Miller said God did this to protect Eve because the conflict added value to her, to their companionship.

Unlike Shakespearean literature, life does not have an Act III where the story climaxes and the main character takes the right action to end all conflict. There is astounding value to what is on the other side of conflict. The Christian understands this in a profound way. We don't even belong in this world, and all the conflict we encounter makes Heaven that much sweeter. Heaven is void of conflict; in life conflict will never end. We may as well approach it with joy because ultimately we will come out the other side, stronger. When we know where we are in the narrative map of life, we experience meaning (there is something better for me once this passes, and the only way I can appreciate it is if I get through this). It has been suggested that humans innately seek pleasure; but really, we seek meaning...we numb oursleves with pleasure because we do not know our meaning.

I would say it was a hopeful message. He said a bunch of other insightful things, too. He definitely doesn't try to sell Jesus. More importanly I think he lives what he says, which many people who claim to be Christian do not demonstrate. There's comfort in knowing that I'm never going to be completely good, but that's ok. I have the opportunity to at least try to the best of my ability because it matters to God. One day, I'll thank Him for making me experience all the things I didn't want to experience.

Tyler

I'm going to Tyler, Texas today to see Don Miller speak for his book tour, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. I missed his appearance here in Dallas and Fort Worth. I don't know why I want to go. Perhaps it's that void I want to fill; perhaps I truly believe I need more inspiration. I'll be sure to write about the impression I get. It's sad to know I have every ounce of hope in that I would change after this event - even if it's the slightest change towards the better.