Someday somehow, this will all make sense...why I had to go through the fire. I believe the Lord is good and His plans for me are good and not harmful. I won't be able to enjoy what He has in store for me in the next chapter of my life unless I endured the gruesome hardships in this one. I love my husband and have done everything I can to bring him back home, but the Lord has a different idea. I fully trust Him to know what's best for me and Hannah, and I will remain faithful and hopeful.

It's hard to explain

Says he can't decide
I shake my head to say
Everything's just great

Proverbs 1:7

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge,
       but fools despise wisdom and discipline.

I wish I could learn my lessons quickly and not have to deal with the consequences at a much later time. It appears to be a repeating behavior. My lack of impulse control paired with blatant disregard for those around me has time and again placed me in the lowest of positions, a grave if you will. It is disgusting the kind of prayers I whisper to God when I face my rude awakenings: Please, Lord, if You can just get me out of this one I promise I will be a changed person...Then of course when things don't pan out the way I had hoped, I view God disdainfully, believing Him to be a just yet unmerciful God who ensures that I pay for my sins to the fullest extent. I am utterly horrified with my own actions, my uncanny ability to scorn God when I have to 'pay' for my mistakes and my astonishing blindness to His glory and blessings. Even I know the likes of me are considered foolish. In all seriousness, I am desperate for a change in my character. At this time, absolutely nothing else holds greater bearing.

I know you can speak. So say it, say you love me.

A quick update: I am drinking Southern Comfort and pomegranate juice, boiling chicken because I have no time to thaw it before 'attempting' to cook penne rigate with chicken, and waiting for Danish to come home so we can eat and watch Mystic River on DVD.

I had a productive day, I think, and today was my first official day as a 25-year-old. How does it feel? you ask. Well, I'm still unemployed, in bad need of a haircut, and very much in love with life - so...pretty good, I should say!

---This just in, I'm making quite a mess in the kitchen...there's pasta sauce everywhere!

I love truth

How does one die to oneself? It's a mechanical phrase to say as a Christian, but I don't think I comprehend the meaning of it. Cindy, who leads our Sacred Marriage group with her husband Ron, read to us a quote on love:

Love is the commitment of my will to your needs and best interest regardless of the cost.

It's a real shame not to be able to put into action something that sounds as lovely and poignant as this. Jesus commands us to love one another and to be humble, gentle, and patient. I am thinking I just don't see the opportunity even when it arises.

Stop, think, act.

I keep hoping to feel utter remorse for this incapability of dying to myself as I write this, but I think it's gotten pass the point of sappy emotions. This knowledge demands a change in thought and attitude. Feelings are fleeting; I have to act on determination. My actions have been a result of whatever overwhelming commotion courses through my veins; it's caused nothing but trouble! It certainly would be amazing if I could channel that sort of passion into loving my fellow men, my brothers and sisters in Christ.

Le sigh. Strong mind.

Be joyful always

Regardless of Monday's disappointments, I had a very good week. Tuesday, Julie and I met up with Nate and Megan T. for lunch at Cafe Malaga, a Spanish/Mediterranean restaurant which made my heart melt with it's mouth-watering menu. I had the Spanish Azul Burger and a couple bites of the Bravas Chicken Sandwich. Ridiculous. After filling our little bellies and listening to Nate's hilarious stories, we went and watched Alice in Wonderland. I enjoyed it, but I enjoyed the company and the relaxed mood I was in even more. Afterward, I proceeded to take Julie back home. However, we got stuck in the HOV lane which had the upright poles. I was too chicken to drive over them, knowing it would probably damage my car, so we were forced to drive all the way to Dallas. Since we were already there, I thought we might as well do a little shopping. It was so much fun! Julie and I ate again at McCormick and Schmick's which had a happy hour we couldn't pass up. The day's events were a much needed stress-reliever, and even my losing another tutoring client later that day didn't bother me too much. I sense I'm being protected by these friends and family members in my life that I feel confident that the consistent failures I make don't mark my worth. As long as I don't grow careless or apathetic and continue to put forth my greatest effort, I will be okay! I am beginning to understand the concept of choosing to be joyful...

I received congratulatory flowers from my in-laws for passing the HESI exam. Sadly it was a false alarm and it was embarrassing for me to break the news to them. I find it interesting that I am appreciating them more and more as time passes. I call them 'Mom' and 'Dad' and we say I love you to each other...it's weird, but I like it.

Danish had the day off today which pleased me greatly. Knowing he is getting a little break makes me feel better. He works so hard! We had a yummy lunch, went to guitar center, and rode our bikes to the dog park with Tank. Tonight, we're meeting some friends at McKinney square. Then it's another whole day with him tomorrow! If the weather permits, we may go to the Botanical Garden in Fort Worth.

Whatever

So Danish and I begin our marriage counseling tomorrow at 6 at my friend Miranda's church. I don't know what to expect because the last marriage seminar Danish and I attended was FUCKING bogus. We just ate till our bellies were full of Uncle Julio's and listened dumbly to a couple who had a barrage of problems including infidelity but still managed to stay to together and have a "happy marriage." Fantastic. I resent Danish a lot. It's terrible for me to admit it here, in public. I try to make it seem we have a decent relationship, where we respect one another and love one another. However, that's not always the case...I am aware that marriage takes work...I could hate Danish, but that is no grounds for me to behave the way I have been. I've been extremely selfish lately...probably ever since we've been married; I haven't taken the marriage seriously. I am overwhelmed with guilt and confusion. Guilt because deep inside I know it's wrong; confusion because I'm not sure how I'm supposed to behave! So many people have already told me how it will be a struggle the first 5 years...correction, the first 10 years. That seems ridiculous to me; why get married in the first place?! These are all questions I don't have the answer to, and I hope to have some rational ideas post-marriage counseling. I suppose I just have to approach this with a mature attitude and understand that even if the counseling is unsuccessful, Danish and I will at least take away a lesson or two from it. That's the mature thing to do, right?

The pains of being pure at heart

What a great band name. They also play great music. I managed to barely pass today's exam after agonizingly going over the notes the night before with a hangover that left me with no recollection of how I got home Saturday night. Way to go, me. On the bright side, the bridal shower was incredible. My very dear friend Miranda insisted on hosting one at her house, and I was most grateful. I felt so lucky to be amongst my closest friends who so genuinely celebrated my getting married. Pictures will ensue.

Another good friend of mine, Meagan, left for the Phillipines today to manage a company branch that has been outsourced. For several months she mulled over whether or not she was willing to put herself in a completely different world outside of "home." I told her it was a good idea; it was always good to have some culture. Her main concern revolved around the conveniences that she believed would not be at her disposal (such as food, hygiene products, and television). I smiled to myself when she expressed her sore disdain for the third world country. But I can understand exactly where she's coming from (television and all!), which is the sad part. I just think it's unfortunate that we get so caught up in our little bubble with our comforts, conveniences, and safety nets. That is so human of us! It was a lesson for myself seeing as I'm the greatest culprit of them all...I sound my trumpet of Jesus and His saving grace, yet I'm too much of a weenie to step out of my bubble and live like Jesus did. I'm interested in God's plan for Meagan. I know God has a hold on her and I'm curious to see how she will react - I'm praying it will be a step towards finding Him! I know God puts us in uncomfortable places sometimes to open our eyes to new experiences which mature us.

I want to mature.

D&G

It has been a rough couple of months, but lately things have been going pretty well with Daniel. I have been growing to like him again. You know, as a person. Sometimes you get blindsighted when you've been with someone for a while, and you forget how awesome they are and what initially attracted them to you. One thing in particular is I had forgotten what a great musician he is. I have a new appreciation for that. And of course he is my rock. No one can pull through for me like he does. I'm going to try harder to make this work. This means I need to consciously remember not to act like such a complete brat. Needless to say I have been one for a really long time. I'm pretty sure that is a sign of maturity if I'm finally beginning to think of how my actions affect others rather than just focusing on myself. I want to make his time worthwhile. He's my boy!