Bee's knees

The much anticipated HESI exam is finally over! Unfortunately, I did not pass. To make it worse, I almost passed. To make it even worse, apparently I have hidden anxieties which interfere with my test taking... and life. To top it off, I walked back to my car with my head down, playing the Charlie Brown tune in my head only to find a parking ticket wedged under the windshield wiper. I had put enough change in the meter for 3 hours, but the test took me 5. Anyway, I'm scheduled to take the second exam April 23, about three weeks from now. Fortunately I've completed all my clinical hours so that gives me ample time and energy to dominate this test. Danielle said some people just have good luck. That may be true, but I won't let luck determine whether I pass or not...I will pass! That's the right attitude, right?

In other news, I have the most supportive family and friends. I am SO blessed to have them in my life! They are a safe haven.

I was lying on the roof as it had become the floor

"It is within our nature to assume that we'll be the same tomorrow as we are today," he began. "We think that it's ok to pass up a priceless chance now because we're too tired, or because there's too many things going on in our lives at the moment, and that there will always be more chances to come. And it's only when tomorrow arrives that we realize just what an opportunity it was that came and went. But I promise you, one day you will wake up and suddenly realize that you are old, and that less of your time is spent wondering what will be as opposed to what might have been. And the only thing standing between you and a deathbed of regret is the belief that the totality of your life has been spent with your eyes open, and that the limited chances that life had presented to you had been taken with nothing less than an effort that nearly killed you."

-Dead Weight by Daniel Mathis

Rien ne pèse tant que un secret

I've taken Midol and the caffeine in it is making my heart race. In other news, I hope I pass the HESI this Monday. Now for some random pictures:

Jock

I wasted half the day on campus slaving away on my Communities paper with my group. Then I tutored and went to my parents' to walk Tank. Finally around 7 I met with Julie, grabbed some pho, and studied for a few hours.

Danish and I came home at the exact same time and we walked to the apartment together from the parking lot. He was in a jolly, robust mood after having had a vigorous game of ultimate frisbee. Apparently they haven't lost a single game this season. The team is comprised of other Christian men in their 20s and 30s who enjoy playing sports. It is definitely a blessing as it serves as a great opportunity to network with other Christians. I was initially resistant to Danish's decision in joining, believing he was placing other things as priorities over me. Fortunately now I see the importance of the physical outlet and male companionship he needs; he is in a better mood, not so weary from his work day, and seemingly happy to be with me afterward. However, I did not appreciate his exuberant amusement in flinging his skanky underwear across the room at my head before hopping into the shower.

"The smell of a champion," he said. Vile!

By the way, he is growing a mustache. It's definitely coming along.

Fuzzy's

I love Fuzzy's Tacos! We frequent this place for their delicious Baja tacos and chicken sandwiches. Last Saturday, we went twice. I don't mind that it seems indulgent.

Overall, I rate this Spring Break a B+.

Wishin' I had an anchor to hold me

So many things have happened since I last wrote, but for some reason I don't feel like writing about them. I just miss Danish all the time and it makes me tired. I'm tired of missing him. I wish I could just get over it.

NX35

We had a great time at Loni's birthday last night! We're headed to my parents to fix our bikes and play with Tank. My new shoes came in the mail! Then we're off to Denton to see The Flaming Lips, eat at Fuzzy's, and hang out. Four days with Danish! We have a ton of quality-time activities lined up and it's going to be sweet. God is so good!

Fade into you

I think it's glamorous to have marital problems. It's quite wonderful experiencing this crippling anguish and depression. It means something extraordinary when I doubt both my own love for my husband as well as his love for me. These endless arguments and abusive language just make me feel so alive! Not to mention the unbearably loud silences help me to reflect on the deep and enthralling aspects of this marriage. There is just something so deliciously tragic about leaving the house with a smile on my face while inside my heart is broken. I love drama! It adds such excitement to my boring life. Nothing beats the disappointment of being let down after indulging in the short-term illusion of believing that someone else can make you happy. Happiness is overrated. When things are good, I remind myself that it's only temporary. Everything good in this marriage is a result of a sacrifice, and everyone knows making sacrifices is dumb. If not sacrifices, it's trading one thing for another for pure gain; a cute little game that involves manipulation - how provocative! I find great satisfaction in the erratic and formidable nature of this marriage which is the bane of my existence.

TBON

Last night, I had another dream about losing teeth. This time it was one of my front teeth that was knocked out when Diana head-butted me on the dance floor. I tried to jam it back into the socket, causing much pain and discomfort. I went to a 'specialist' who said the surgery to put the tooth back in would cost me $5000.

"That's as much as a boob job!" I said.

"Yes, but people are willing to pay more money to have their teeth look nice rather than their breasts," he replied.

I reluctantly agreed with him and decided to put the expense on my already maxed out credit card, knowing Danish would kill me when he found out what I had done to our credit score.

Then I woke up because I had to pee. Needless to say, I checked myself out in the mirror to make sure I had all my teeth. When I went back to bed, I couldn't fall asleep. I laid there thinking about why I have these dreams. I think I've mentioned before that I have these 'mouth/teeth' dreams when I have some unresolved issues that are causing great anxiety both consciously and subconsciously. Then I thought if I could just believe my teeth will never fall out, I wouldn't worry so much. This is a stretch, but that is exactly what faith is - my faith in God. If I could just believe God will never give me more than I could bear and that He cares for me and loves me, then I wouldn't worry so much. That makes sense to me. My teeth are pretty sturdy, I floss everyday, I'm sure I have enough Vitamin C in my diet...I suppose I need to work on my faith with as much effort.

This is a ridiculously random epiphany, but I seem to learn that way. "For no temptation (no trial regarded as enticing to sin), [no matter how it comes or where it leads] has overtaken you and laid hold on you that is not common to man [that is, no temptation or trial has come to you that is beyond human resistance and that is not adjusted and adapted and belonging to human experience, and such as man can bear]. But God is faithful [to His Word and to His compassionate nature], and He [can be trusted] not to let you be tempted and tried and assayed beyond your ability and strength of resistance and power to endure, but with the temptation He will [always] also provide the way out (the means of escape to a landing place), that you may be capable and strong and powerful to bear up under it patiently." 1 Corinthians 10:13

I miss Tank

I think I'm beginning to enjoy my 12-hour clinicals, which is a huge relief. Not only that, I will be done with all of them before spring break. This will give me ample time to study and recover from the series of poor grades I've been making on these recent tests.

In other news, I'm in love with my husband. Something I've learned from the second counseling meeting is that I can't look to Danish to fulfill my emptiness; only God can do that. But by being married, it is a constant struggle to die to myself and be more Christ-like. It's been good and I can see how this will be an interesting journey.