Belches and farts, bills and insecurities

I love life. Even when it's not pretty.

Sacred Marriage

This is the book we're reading for the marriage counseling.

The Lounge performance

Bored

Sometimes when I'm home alone, I walk into the closet and press my face against all of Danish's clothes on the hangers and I just lean that way, drinking in his smell.

Emotional intelligence

Something I lack greatly in.

Whatever

So Danish and I begin our marriage counseling tomorrow at 6 at my friend Miranda's church. I don't know what to expect because the last marriage seminar Danish and I attended was FUCKING bogus. We just ate till our bellies were full of Uncle Julio's and listened dumbly to a couple who had a barrage of problems including infidelity but still managed to stay to together and have a "happy marriage." Fantastic. I resent Danish a lot. It's terrible for me to admit it here, in public. I try to make it seem we have a decent relationship, where we respect one another and love one another. However, that's not always the case...I am aware that marriage takes work...I could hate Danish, but that is no grounds for me to behave the way I have been. I've been extremely selfish lately...probably ever since we've been married; I haven't taken the marriage seriously. I am overwhelmed with guilt and confusion. Guilt because deep inside I know it's wrong; confusion because I'm not sure how I'm supposed to behave! So many people have already told me how it will be a struggle the first 5 years...correction, the first 10 years. That seems ridiculous to me; why get married in the first place?! These are all questions I don't have the answer to, and I hope to have some rational ideas post-marriage counseling. I suppose I just have to approach this with a mature attitude and understand that even if the counseling is unsuccessful, Danish and I will at least take away a lesson or two from it. That's the mature thing to do, right?

I am not a glutton

I can't believe I'm admitting this, but today I ate so much that I vomited! I've been gorging since Friday...

We had lunch with my life group yesterday. Our pastor and his wife opened up their home and catered Babe's! Pastor Sam even played a beautiful song for us on his guitar. It was a very memorable time. We came home and napped for a few hours before going to Danish's parents' for dinner - pork tenderloin with green apple salsa and a delicious salad that had cilantro, mango, and fish oil dressing. Then I spent a few hours working on a 10-page paper which I finished earlier today. I procrastinate till the last moment before it is due.

I have three 12-hour clinicals this week starting tomorrow. I wanted to go to Danish's ultimate frisbee game tonight, but my body wasn't feeling well after vomiting for about 10 minutes straight. So I'm laying in bed watching episodes of Futurama and fighting the urge to eat more food.

Perfect

I wouldn't mind shriveling up and dying. I think I may find pleasure in it. Maybe even peace. My flesh drawing inward, limbs becoming mangled, twisted, contorted, slowly crushing my bones, coiling and writhing, shrinking and shrinking, bodily juices drying up, crackling and popping, with my still-beating heart being the last to burst under pressure.

Me

"And we think sometimes with our presence to please others, when we rather displease them through the evil manners and evil conditions that they see and consider to be in us."

Correction

Violent Still Life isn't playing with Fizzy Dino Pop tonight. In other news, I love sandwiches. Apparently Danish thinks my tweets are stupid, but I don't care. I hate 12 hour clinicals. Danish and I went to Babe's Chicken for dinner last night and it was so good! You choose from 6 entrees - Fried Chicken, Chicken Fried Steak, Fried Chicken Tenders, Smoked Chicken, Fried Catfish, and Pot Roast - and they give you all-you-can-eat sides which include green beans, corn, mashed potatoes, gravy, salad, and biscuits. I thoroughly enjoyed our snow days. Our friends Nate and Meg are moving away and that's a shame considering they were our newly married couple friends. I had a dream last night about my mouth being dry and full of sawdust, and as hard as I tried I couldn't clear any of it.

Finger print

I love going to shows. Danish has another one this Saturday at the Cavern with our friends émic and their friends Fizzy Dino Pop. I dance like an idiot to this last band.

We watched The Talented Mr. Ripley last night. It depicts the main character's struggle to compensate feelings of inferiority which leads to a life of lies, ultimately leaving him even lonelier than before. It was scene after intense scene, and I think Matt Damon is a really good actor. He does a successful job in being super creepy. I have this movie listed as one of my favorites!

Anyway, I'm working on a paper and a few article summaries today. I hope I get everything done so I can treat myself to happy hour with Diana tonight.

Maker's

I drank everyday this week. If I don't get this under control...

Sabotage

If something is easily attained, it's hardly even worth it. Why am I always facing temptations? I serve no purpose in trying to help others find truth and meaning when I can't even get a grip on my own life. Something about being a "scape-goat" in family dynamics, it's nigh time I sabotage the good things in my life. I'm sorry, I'm just so sorry. I need a miracle.

Grave

I have to die to myself. Meaning I have to stop seeking instant gratification. "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." It's disappointing to know that I don't have enough faith to allow God to be in control. I end up making rash decisions fueled by alcohol which leave me buried deeper in the grave I've dug for myself.

Interestingly enough, I found this article which describes my impulsive, impatient nature. "People want material objects, relationships, or even success as soon as possible and because they aren’t patient enough to wait for their desires, they lose their own happiness in the process." I would say a lot of truth rings in this statement. Now to get my act together and wait patiently for God to lead me...it's easier said than done.

German beer

I have three days off including today. I feel strange and anxious because I've never had so many days off like this before. Of course it's all because I didn't call my preceptor over the weekend to schedule my clinical. I have a feeling she works weekends...that may be a good thing for me. My very important exit exam, the HESI, is on March 29 after spring break, and I've got to nail my butt down to a chair and study for it. I've never been good with time management and so this is an issue. I guess this week I can try to make an appointment with my school therapist. I need to get a lot of bottled up shit out...I'm only going because it's free. At least the first six sessions are.

By the way, I totally lied on my drugs and alcohol evaluation. I probably do need the counseling.

Fuck

Apparently we are expected to do everything independently this semester after having had rigid schedules and restrictions all throughout nursing school. Time management and a go-get-'em attitude - I am totally and utterly boned.