Good Morning, Hypocrite

Seems like the roads stretch out like veins, but there's no heart.
Nature's haircut is concrete now, and we played our part.
So we sing...

I've lost my taste for modern things. They're not for me.
I want mundane: a quiet place, where time is free,
And I can sing...

Climbed from my bed, to collect the thoughts that'd fallen from my head,
And you watched me sink, through the carpet, through the basement, and beyond.
And you didn't blink.

On the glass, I traced the sun with my thumb. It sank into the ground.
And then the stars were blinking, like kids who were staring into the wind.
So I climbed through the window and walked until I lost my name.
Now I can play the victim. It's fine. I've seen it on TV.
But if there's one thing I know, it's that I never really know enough.

Our heads, our hands, our brains, our lungs: they're just machines.
These hearts are all that we've got left, and they don't beat.

Live a little, talk a lot; it's the way this goes.
I've come to fear the little knives beneath their well-pressed clothes.
Their arms are reaching; reach is spreading through the neon glow.
Their mouths are moving, but their voices sound like telephones.
The traffic hums; the traffic grumbles near my old window.
The street lights flicker; glow and hover like suspended snow.
I used to watch the moon retreat and wonder where it goes.
Now I just wonder why my head is overrun with ghosts.

It's hard to explain

Says he can't decide
I shake my head to say
Everything's just great

Rediscovering You

Tomorrow is the last day I have to study before the big test. I wonder if I really know this material! All I'm certain of is that I've received a degree which has prepared me to pass this exam, God-willing. I still have a flurry of emotions going through me. I hope I make a difference in the future...I mean down the line, you know? I want to make a difference and do great things, save lives. For God's glory...right? Why is it so hard for people to see God's glory? I guess I'm just tired and mentally/emotionally/spiritually drained - perfect formula for worry and despair to creep in. I need to let tomorrow worry about itself. Goodnight.

Prayer

Tonight, I've been awakened to the profound meaning of prayer - praying, knowing God listens. I admit to praying while simultaneously doubting whether my words ever reach God, or if they are merely bouncing off the ceiling and walls. Not only so, but having prayers answered immediately seems so unlikely that I could see how one could believe it is but coincidence when circumstances change for the better. I hope you can agree with me that it would be ridiculous for man to serve a god who is much like a gumball machine, where you drop in a coin and get a gumball. Furthermore, how are we certain that we always know what is best for us? The last time I acted on what I thought was best for me, I landed in the slammer. With that being said, there is not one prayer God leaves unaddressed - the only thing is they are answered at the proper time.

Because I have no intentions of producing offspring just yet, I have no idea how disheartening it would be to be barren. A character in the Bible named Elizabeth was barren. In those days, a woman's value was largely measured by her ability to bear children; therefore, to be aging and without children often led to personal hardship and public shame. Nevertheless, even during this time, she and her husband Zechariah remained faithful and blameless (blameless does not mean sinless, but that they were free from willful sins - intentional sins). Zechariah, being a prist, was often experiencing God in ways that perhaps Elizabeth could not, possibly leaving her very lonely. One day, an angel appeared to Zechariah telling him Elizabeth will bear a child in her old age and they were to name the baby John, who will eventually become the messenger for Jesus. When Zechariah expressed disbelief, the angel responded with, "...it will come true at their proper time" (Luke 1:20). Sure enough, John came into the picture and paved the way for Jesus' arrival.

I relate to the heavy feeling of frustration and diappointment when things that seem to come easily to others doesn't come easily to me. For example, it seems unfair when a coke addict becomes pregnant then abandons her baby in an elevator, while a loving, nurturing woman finds herself barren. Or when a person who has been praying for very a long time to meet the right person sees their friend, who prayed all but 30 minutes, walk down the aisle. In my case, I struggle with the fact that I am still without a job. This is petty, but truth be told I've Facebook blocked everyone I've gone to nursing school with because I don't particularly want to see their status updates about their new jobs. I'm happy for them, but at the same time I get a sick feeling in my stomach.

However, the story of Elizabeth and Zechariah encourages me to remain faithful in prayer during this waiting period. I love that prayer is what characterizes my relationship with God. What separates us from God is but this natural world, a thin veil that will be lifted in the end. God answers in the proper time...when I get a job, it will be because He willed for it to occur at the exact time that will fulfill my purpose. And God never receives more glory than when we can say beyond question, "The Lord has done this for me."

Broken

I am constantly reminded that I am nothing but a sinner...saved by grace. If it were not for Jesus Christ, I am truly nothing! My words mean nothing, my actions are nothing, my passions are meaningless. I find my worth in the love of God...I believe C.S. Lewis said, "Christ died not for men but for each man. If each had been the only man made, He would have done no less." How beautiful is that? When it comes to my existence, truthfully, I don't care about all the intelligence in the world to 'prove' God; I am unabashedly content in knowing that I was created to be loved by my Creator! This phase in my life is seriously nothing to boast about: I am still unemployed, my career is set on hold as I await a decision from the Board of Nursing, I am consumed with heartache as my parents' departure approaches, my marriage is light years away from perfect, and (as with anyone) I am uncertain about my future. Yet, I know that God loves me! His plans for me are GOOD. Tonight may have been a more difficult night than any, but I am relying on that undescribable peace...God's provisions are always sufficient!

I love truth

How does one die to oneself? It's a mechanical phrase to say as a Christian, but I don't think I comprehend the meaning of it. Cindy, who leads our Sacred Marriage group with her husband Ron, read to us a quote on love:

Love is the commitment of my will to your needs and best interest regardless of the cost.

It's a real shame not to be able to put into action something that sounds as lovely and poignant as this. Jesus commands us to love one another and to be humble, gentle, and patient. I am thinking I just don't see the opportunity even when it arises.

Stop, think, act.

I keep hoping to feel utter remorse for this incapability of dying to myself as I write this, but I think it's gotten pass the point of sappy emotions. This knowledge demands a change in thought and attitude. Feelings are fleeting; I have to act on determination. My actions have been a result of whatever overwhelming commotion courses through my veins; it's caused nothing but trouble! It certainly would be amazing if I could channel that sort of passion into loving my fellow men, my brothers and sisters in Christ.

Le sigh. Strong mind.

Whatever

So Danish and I begin our marriage counseling tomorrow at 6 at my friend Miranda's church. I don't know what to expect because the last marriage seminar Danish and I attended was FUCKING bogus. We just ate till our bellies were full of Uncle Julio's and listened dumbly to a couple who had a barrage of problems including infidelity but still managed to stay to together and have a "happy marriage." Fantastic. I resent Danish a lot. It's terrible for me to admit it here, in public. I try to make it seem we have a decent relationship, where we respect one another and love one another. However, that's not always the case...I am aware that marriage takes work...I could hate Danish, but that is no grounds for me to behave the way I have been. I've been extremely selfish lately...probably ever since we've been married; I haven't taken the marriage seriously. I am overwhelmed with guilt and confusion. Guilt because deep inside I know it's wrong; confusion because I'm not sure how I'm supposed to behave! So many people have already told me how it will be a struggle the first 5 years...correction, the first 10 years. That seems ridiculous to me; why get married in the first place?! These are all questions I don't have the answer to, and I hope to have some rational ideas post-marriage counseling. I suppose I just have to approach this with a mature attitude and understand that even if the counseling is unsuccessful, Danish and I will at least take away a lesson or two from it. That's the mature thing to do, right?

Correction

Violent Still Life isn't playing with Fizzy Dino Pop tonight. In other news, I love sandwiches. Apparently Danish thinks my tweets are stupid, but I don't care. I hate 12 hour clinicals. Danish and I went to Babe's Chicken for dinner last night and it was so good! You choose from 6 entrees - Fried Chicken, Chicken Fried Steak, Fried Chicken Tenders, Smoked Chicken, Fried Catfish, and Pot Roast - and they give you all-you-can-eat sides which include green beans, corn, mashed potatoes, gravy, salad, and biscuits. I thoroughly enjoyed our snow days. Our friends Nate and Meg are moving away and that's a shame considering they were our newly married couple friends. I had a dream last night about my mouth being dry and full of sawdust, and as hard as I tried I couldn't clear any of it.

Sabotage

If something is easily attained, it's hardly even worth it. Why am I always facing temptations? I serve no purpose in trying to help others find truth and meaning when I can't even get a grip on my own life. Something about being a "scape-goat" in family dynamics, it's nigh time I sabotage the good things in my life. I'm sorry, I'm just so sorry. I need a miracle.

Grave

I have to die to myself. Meaning I have to stop seeking instant gratification. "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." It's disappointing to know that I don't have enough faith to allow God to be in control. I end up making rash decisions fueled by alcohol which leave me buried deeper in the grave I've dug for myself.

Interestingly enough, I found this article which describes my impulsive, impatient nature. "People want material objects, relationships, or even success as soon as possible and because they aren’t patient enough to wait for their desires, they lose their own happiness in the process." I would say a lot of truth rings in this statement. Now to get my act together and wait patiently for God to lead me...it's easier said than done.

Yoke

Hi, how are you Blog? This semester has started off as rough and bumpy as it ended last year. As much as I hate "taking care of business" I know it has to be done. What's discouraging is that a lot of it requires patience as it can't be accomplished instantaneously. I feel burdened. I wonder what it would feel like to lose a ton of weight...like on those billboards and magazine advertisements where some fatty loses 100 pounds and their lives are changed forever. It must be refreshing to lose that burden.

My lovely friend Angie got married at the courthouse this past weekend! She is planning a destination wedding in Mexico later this year. She went ahead and legally got married since the marriage in Mexico won't be recognized here. I'm so happy for her. I mean, it's weird too. Growing up. Not to mention I feel concerned for the rest of my friends who seem anxious for their turn. Should I not feel that way? I think it's a subconscious thing...nevertheless, I'm praying for Meagan who told me she doesn't even know what she wants in a man; she just expects every guy she dates to magically become Mr. Right. It's important to have expectations and really tell God about them because He listens.

Danish has no time for me. He works full-time, is in grad school, has band practice, and now he has signed up for an ultimate frisbee team. It makes me sad because the only time I see him is for about an hour right before we both pass out for the night. I say I need to learn how to cook, but I don't even have the opportunity to cook for him since he's never around. Speaking of which, I gave steak another chance. This time I marinated it in some herb mixture, wrapped it in aluminum foil, and tossed it in the oven to bake! The results were that it turned out with more of a brisket texture instead of steak, but it tasted pretty decent. I find it interesting how these meats just shrink in the oven...what am I doing wrong? They just shrink up; they're almost half the size of the original, uncooked meat.

Today I go to Denton to make another school ID and get my second TB test because I forgot to get mine read last week. Freaking waste. Because of this immunization delay, I can't participate in today's hospital orientation and must make up those hours in clinicals, which is fine. I figure I will need those extra hours anyway for the experience. Can you believe I'll be graduating this May? I'll be entering the work force and making money. It's very surreal to me. I know that all this "business" I'm having to deal with will make it that much more worth it in the end. I know that's why I have this burden, I know that it's given to me so I can just give it up to God, I know that it's all a test to show my faith, I know that this will all pass, I know I'll be a better person for it. I know! Jesus says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." That is nice.

Just nod if you can hear me

I miss my family. I haven't been able to go home to see them lately and I think it's taking an emotional toll on me. I have also been ignoring God these past few weeks and that is taking a toll on my spiritual health. I feel rotten and expendable...guilty mostly. I know I can make a greater difference if I could just allow myself to be molded. I wish I could point the way to Christ but my life doesn't reflect anything admirable or even desirable. Perhaps my hot new husband...but it could just be that I got really lucky. Danish must feel very fulfilled that his job is to help people everyday. He's so much better than me in so many ways. I'm a shit stain compared to him. I want to change my habits and just be better...Apparently I'm experiencing something called the "Christian burden" which sounds virtuous and noble, but it's the worst kind of angst there is. Anyway, I will try to get some sleep and hope that tomorrow will be different in a good way. I know God is wise and His plans are unfathomable, and somehow I will have a little part in it which will fulfill my purpose here.

Blanket

I am sad to say that I possess no home-making skills whatsoever. It is true my mother does not know how to cook, but that can be explained because during our 10-year residence in Indonesia, we had maids who cooked for us. Therefore, I was never taught how to cook a single dish in my life aside from frying a couple of eggs or microwaving something. However, my mother takes good care of her home, making sure it is clean, dust-free, and comfortable to be in. Only until I came to live with Danish did I learn how to do laundry! In my defense, I keep a real clean apartment with decent decor - it's quite cozy here!

With that being said, I have a ridiculous story to share. Danish and I bought this expensive and incredibly soft comforter which has served us well in the last few months we have had it. I mentioned a few times my desire to give it a good wash so we could sleep in a clean, fresh blanket. Finally this past week I woke up and heaved the blanket off to the washing machine, poured a capful of detergent, closed the lid, and set it to "extra heavy." Not more than 5 minutes later, the washing machine began to shake violently and make such curious noises which could only mean something terrible has happened. Upon opening the washing machine, I saw to my horror fluffs of white blanket stuffing springing out of a giant tear from where the blanket had caught on the inside of the lid. I had destroyed our beloved blanket. Of course Danish couldn't believe it, either. He reprimanded me like father would a child as he proceeded to take the wet, torn blanket out of the washing machine and deposit it into a garbage bag.

At that moment neither of us had any brilliant ideas about what to do with the ruined blanket except to throw it away. After I had told my mother about the incident, she said I should have kept it and that she would have stitched it up and used it. I would never allow for my mom to use a second-rate blanket no matter how wonderful it was before the incident. But we did realize how wasteful it was of us to just do away with it; we could have donated it to the homeless shelter. So the next day I made Danish go dumpster diving! Yes, the man retrieved that blanket from the smelly dumpster and brought it in from the cold. Since it was discarded while still wet, the blanket had frozen! We left it in the garbage bag and set it in the living room to thaw.

Well, I came home today and opened up the bag, spread out the wet, seemingly dirty blanket covered in sad fluff, and quickly performed a shoddy stitch job to the tear. I forced it into the dryer, this time being mindful that it didn't catch on the inside of the door. It has been about two hours now and the reject blanket is still wet. Geez, I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. I'm fortunate to be with someone as patient as Danish who consoled me by saying the homeless would still appreciate it. As far as the cooking...I will get it someday, right? Those things take time, a trial and error deal. At least we live in a clean, cozy apartment...I just need to take extra precaution with things like laundry I suppose. Whatever.

Fromage

I realize what a leap of faith I have taken in marrying Danish. I love him so much and living with him has been unbelievably unique and fun. I guess what I'm trying to say is...I would've never imagined myself in this situation! I'm so present-oriented that I could never have pictured this in my wildest imagination. I find it incredibly weird since I have so much...angst. I thought angsty people were in a perpetual state of hope. But maybe I was wrong...maybe angsty people just wallow in their worries and dissatisfaction. Maybe angsty people are just complacent people - the worst kind of people. At any rate, I wanted to announce how interesting it's been...I wish I could go into more depth. I mean, the fights have gotten more colorful! Ha. I feel so safe. We live in this crap hole apartment and yet being with him at the end of the night makes me feel whole. Wow. Sounds like a tray of fromage. I've turned from a cynic into a sap - just like that. Don't worry, the shit doesn't end here; just give me a break...I think I'm in a honeymoon state or something.

Smile like you mean it

Lately I've been at a loss for words. I type and delete. Then give up altogether. This barrage of inappropriate thoughts and emotions has rendered me futile in self-expression. It's like a fever; the temperature runs too high for normal body function. Yes, the wedding is next weekend. Regrettably, that is only the tip of the iceberg. I won't go into anymore detail for fear of boring you, but I've determined that my angst stems from my lack of healthy coping skills. Instead of turning to prayer and meditation (which I am aware would do me great benefit), I have been drinking much more excessively than usual. I lose a lot of respect in the process. For a while, I felt that perhaps I was getting cold feet of some nature. Although I'm already married, it hasn't quite felt official since my parents have insisted I stay home as much as possible until the wedding. I mean, I haven't even been able to share a bed with my own husband. Then the thought of going through the ritualistic torture called a wedding, leaving my dear parents and the house I grew up in, and moving in with a person whom I sometimes perceive as my greatest enemy...it's too much! Sure, such is life blah blah. Let me remind you I have the mental and emotional capacity of a 6-year-old. I live in my own little world of stability and disaster, an anomaly I can't even explain. So what am I facing here - is it a change towards stability or towards disaster? While I have been brooding over these uninteresting matters, I apparently 'forgot' to study for my practic HESI exams, thus failing them. Not to worry, they didn't count against me or anything. I'm utterly exasperated by my own feeble-mindedness. Get a freaking grip, right?

The pains of being pure at heart

What a great band name. They also play great music. I managed to barely pass today's exam after agonizingly going over the notes the night before with a hangover that left me with no recollection of how I got home Saturday night. Way to go, me. On the bright side, the bridal shower was incredible. My very dear friend Miranda insisted on hosting one at her house, and I was most grateful. I felt so lucky to be amongst my closest friends who so genuinely celebrated my getting married. Pictures will ensue.

Another good friend of mine, Meagan, left for the Phillipines today to manage a company branch that has been outsourced. For several months she mulled over whether or not she was willing to put herself in a completely different world outside of "home." I told her it was a good idea; it was always good to have some culture. Her main concern revolved around the conveniences that she believed would not be at her disposal (such as food, hygiene products, and television). I smiled to myself when she expressed her sore disdain for the third world country. But I can understand exactly where she's coming from (television and all!), which is the sad part. I just think it's unfortunate that we get so caught up in our little bubble with our comforts, conveniences, and safety nets. That is so human of us! It was a lesson for myself seeing as I'm the greatest culprit of them all...I sound my trumpet of Jesus and His saving grace, yet I'm too much of a weenie to step out of my bubble and live like Jesus did. I'm interested in God's plan for Meagan. I know God has a hold on her and I'm curious to see how she will react - I'm praying it will be a step towards finding Him! I know God puts us in uncomfortable places sometimes to open our eyes to new experiences which mature us.

I want to mature.

Conflict

After much delay, Danish and I finally drove to Tyler. It was a good drive; we talked about his job, school, wedding plans, future plans, and of course Don Miller. We arrived at Glenwood Church of Christ about the time he began to speak. He was much more soft-spoken than I had imagined, really nerdy and funny. Good natured. The meat of his message went as follows:

In every narrative, there is conflict. What makes it a good story is when the main character takes action and the conflict changes them. Adam was created in God's very image. He was so close to God that he could converse with him in the garden in his birthday suit and it was alright. However, he was still unfulfilled - he was lonely; God created him to want (a woman). Instead of giving him his desires, God told him to name all the animals. Conflict. This conflict lasted a while. Then God created Eve, and Adam was happy. I love how Don Miller said God did this to protect Eve because the conflict added value to her, to their companionship.

Unlike Shakespearean literature, life does not have an Act III where the story climaxes and the main character takes the right action to end all conflict. There is astounding value to what is on the other side of conflict. The Christian understands this in a profound way. We don't even belong in this world, and all the conflict we encounter makes Heaven that much sweeter. Heaven is void of conflict; in life conflict will never end. We may as well approach it with joy because ultimately we will come out the other side, stronger. When we know where we are in the narrative map of life, we experience meaning (there is something better for me once this passes, and the only way I can appreciate it is if I get through this). It has been suggested that humans innately seek pleasure; but really, we seek meaning...we numb oursleves with pleasure because we do not know our meaning.

I would say it was a hopeful message. He said a bunch of other insightful things, too. He definitely doesn't try to sell Jesus. More importanly I think he lives what he says, which many people who claim to be Christian do not demonstrate. There's comfort in knowing that I'm never going to be completely good, but that's ok. I have the opportunity to at least try to the best of my ability because it matters to God. One day, I'll thank Him for making me experience all the things I didn't want to experience.

Does it ever end?

NEVER!