And I'll gamble away my fright

I have a busy week ahead of me, mostly tedious work such as returning several pairs of shoes I purchased online, starting on thank-you cards, and packing up the remainder of my belongings from my parents' house. I am beyond relieved for so much being over and done with already! This is certainly a new chapter of my life, and I hope and pray I will be different and happier. Staying busy will definitely steer me away from self-deprecation, apathy, etc. I am the only one responsible for keeping my sanity and composure by the end of next year.

Wedding

Smile like you mean it

Lately I've been at a loss for words. I type and delete. Then give up altogether. This barrage of inappropriate thoughts and emotions has rendered me futile in self-expression. It's like a fever; the temperature runs too high for normal body function. Yes, the wedding is next weekend. Regrettably, that is only the tip of the iceberg. I won't go into anymore detail for fear of boring you, but I've determined that my angst stems from my lack of healthy coping skills. Instead of turning to prayer and meditation (which I am aware would do me great benefit), I have been drinking much more excessively than usual. I lose a lot of respect in the process. For a while, I felt that perhaps I was getting cold feet of some nature. Although I'm already married, it hasn't quite felt official since my parents have insisted I stay home as much as possible until the wedding. I mean, I haven't even been able to share a bed with my own husband. Then the thought of going through the ritualistic torture called a wedding, leaving my dear parents and the house I grew up in, and moving in with a person whom I sometimes perceive as my greatest enemy...it's too much! Sure, such is life blah blah. Let me remind you I have the mental and emotional capacity of a 6-year-old. I live in my own little world of stability and disaster, an anomaly I can't even explain. So what am I facing here - is it a change towards stability or towards disaster? While I have been brooding over these uninteresting matters, I apparently 'forgot' to study for my practic HESI exams, thus failing them. Not to worry, they didn't count against me or anything. I'm utterly exasperated by my own feeble-mindedness. Get a freaking grip, right?

In spite of ordinary dreams

@hipsterrunoff

This past year I discovered this blog through browsing other [music blogs]. I listed it as a [note-worthy] blog primaily because I found the internet/music/mainstream jargon very hilarious. It's very difficult to understand sometimes, but the content nonetheless drew several chuckles out of me. The author, Carles, remains anonymous and does a really good job at it, even through an interview held [via AIM]. I learned a lot about current 'it' bands and other 'indie/relevant/buzzworthy' on-goings. The blog is very engaging to its readers [via 'thought-provoking' questions] written in closing to each post. To my dismay, it appears Carles has 'retired' and there are some new [boring] writers for Hipster Runoff. NOTE: I've imitated a few of Carles' typing styles (aberrant uses of ''s, //s, and []s). Anyway, maybe it's a hoax and Carles will be back. If not, that's too bad. ///moving on.

Off with your head

I'm going to make for a crappy nurse. It's so hard for me to sit down and study this stuff; therefore, I must be indifferent to the care of a critically ill patient. What do I care about? On a random note, I was driving in the rain the other night and noticed the reflection of the traffic light on the wet streets. The rain drops bouncing off the road made it look all sparkly. I thought to myself, so this was what Karen O must have seen one rainy night to write those lyrics in the song "Heads Will Roll." It really did look like glitter on the wet streets. And silver over everything. I'm not sure what the actual song is about, but it's really hyper and dancey. Maybe seeing the rain on the street when she was out one night with Brian and Nick made her feel jittery and pumped about life. Sometimes I get that way. I like her. If I knew her in real life, we probably wouldn't be friends. Or maybe we'd be best friends.

Still cold and smokey

I posted a short story that was under 140 characters in Donald Miller's blog. Haha, what a brilliant idea. Here is the actual piece.

Smoke detector

I just set it off when I turned on the heat - I am freezing my tush in the apartment! Now it smells of smoke and my head hurts from the piercing alarm which I managed to finally shut off after a frantic effort. It appears wedding plans are wrapping up. The big day is only two weeks away! However, in those two weeks leading up to it, I have five exams left. FIVE. I have to be thankful, though; I've made it this far, with grace, meaning I can end strong. Meaning I should probably go study now.

The pains of being pure at heart

What a great band name. They also play great music. I managed to barely pass today's exam after agonizingly going over the notes the night before with a hangover that left me with no recollection of how I got home Saturday night. Way to go, me. On the bright side, the bridal shower was incredible. My very dear friend Miranda insisted on hosting one at her house, and I was most grateful. I felt so lucky to be amongst my closest friends who so genuinely celebrated my getting married. Pictures will ensue.

Another good friend of mine, Meagan, left for the Phillipines today to manage a company branch that has been outsourced. For several months she mulled over whether or not she was willing to put herself in a completely different world outside of "home." I told her it was a good idea; it was always good to have some culture. Her main concern revolved around the conveniences that she believed would not be at her disposal (such as food, hygiene products, and television). I smiled to myself when she expressed her sore disdain for the third world country. But I can understand exactly where she's coming from (television and all!), which is the sad part. I just think it's unfortunate that we get so caught up in our little bubble with our comforts, conveniences, and safety nets. That is so human of us! It was a lesson for myself seeing as I'm the greatest culprit of them all...I sound my trumpet of Jesus and His saving grace, yet I'm too much of a weenie to step out of my bubble and live like Jesus did. I'm interested in God's plan for Meagan. I know God has a hold on her and I'm curious to see how she will react - I'm praying it will be a step towards finding Him! I know God puts us in uncomfortable places sometimes to open our eyes to new experiences which mature us.

I want to mature.

My favorite cereal

It gets pretty soggy really quickly, but it is the best cereal there is. Yummy enough for me to pour a bowl and attempt to eat it on the car ride to school. Of course I spilled it all into the cup holder...again. In other news, I went to my first AA meeting today. I'm a little embarrassed, but at least I can view it as a learning experience. I received a silver 24 hour coin.

Mud pies

"We are half-hearted creatures, fooling around with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."

- C.S. Lewis

Almost the weekend

I just downloaded The Album Leaf discography. I can't wait to listen to it this weekend. In other news, tomorrow is my very last clinical for this semester. The end is so close, yet so far. I'm praying for Danish, that God gives him strength and ability. He has an unmericiful year ahead of him as he starts his master's degree and internship while working full time...I'm so proud of him. I promised him I will try my best to cook him good food, drink less alcohol, and not act like I'm right all the time. It can be my New Year's resolution! Now I'm off to start the weekend early by watching The Hurt Locker at the dollar theater.

Nice

Going on the wedding playlist.

Worth

"Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." Luke 23:7

What does God possibly see in me that He would love me the way He does? Oh right - Jesus. I can't even begin to understand that; there's nothing in me that merits anything but hell.

It's astounding how it's still a mystery to me.

Restless

For some reason these past couple of days have been terribly slow. I'm anxious for this week to be over. I'm not sure how to describe it, but sometimes I'm overcome with a wave of crazy thoughts and feelings which make me capable of causing some serious damage...I'm like a ticking time bomb. I want to crawl out of my skin. I disgust myself. I wonder if I've become accustomed to the drastic turn of events that systematically occur in my life that I unknowingly sabotage the things that are good and stable. I wish I didn't feel like such a...lunatic.

Goodnight

(I've resorted to Lala since the other player never works.)

Movies at the dollar theater

I will watch these after my test next week. I can't wait!

Conflict

After much delay, Danish and I finally drove to Tyler. It was a good drive; we talked about his job, school, wedding plans, future plans, and of course Don Miller. We arrived at Glenwood Church of Christ about the time he began to speak. He was much more soft-spoken than I had imagined, really nerdy and funny. Good natured. The meat of his message went as follows:

In every narrative, there is conflict. What makes it a good story is when the main character takes action and the conflict changes them. Adam was created in God's very image. He was so close to God that he could converse with him in the garden in his birthday suit and it was alright. However, he was still unfulfilled - he was lonely; God created him to want (a woman). Instead of giving him his desires, God told him to name all the animals. Conflict. This conflict lasted a while. Then God created Eve, and Adam was happy. I love how Don Miller said God did this to protect Eve because the conflict added value to her, to their companionship.

Unlike Shakespearean literature, life does not have an Act III where the story climaxes and the main character takes the right action to end all conflict. There is astounding value to what is on the other side of conflict. The Christian understands this in a profound way. We don't even belong in this world, and all the conflict we encounter makes Heaven that much sweeter. Heaven is void of conflict; in life conflict will never end. We may as well approach it with joy because ultimately we will come out the other side, stronger. When we know where we are in the narrative map of life, we experience meaning (there is something better for me once this passes, and the only way I can appreciate it is if I get through this). It has been suggested that humans innately seek pleasure; but really, we seek meaning...we numb oursleves with pleasure because we do not know our meaning.

I would say it was a hopeful message. He said a bunch of other insightful things, too. He definitely doesn't try to sell Jesus. More importanly I think he lives what he says, which many people who claim to be Christian do not demonstrate. There's comfort in knowing that I'm never going to be completely good, but that's ok. I have the opportunity to at least try to the best of my ability because it matters to God. One day, I'll thank Him for making me experience all the things I didn't want to experience.

Does it ever end?

NEVER!

Tyler

I'm going to Tyler, Texas today to see Don Miller speak for his book tour, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. I missed his appearance here in Dallas and Fort Worth. I don't know why I want to go. Perhaps it's that void I want to fill; perhaps I truly believe I need more inspiration. I'll be sure to write about the impression I get. It's sad to know I have every ounce of hope in that I would change after this event - even if it's the slightest change towards the better.

Unmotivated

I want to feel something other than emptiness. I want to feel remorse and to CONFESS my sins. Instead, I am apathetic and desensitized. I do not care about her, about him, about you, or about myself. I do not want to pursue anymore relationships; they are all meaningless. Everyone do their own things, I will do mine - let us not make any difference to one another, in one another.

Life

The heart asks pleasure first,
And then, excuse from pain;
And then, those little anodynes
That deaden suffering;

And then, to go to sleep;
And then, if it should be
The will of its Inquisitor,
The liberty to die.

-Emily Dickinson

Things & such

My mind is going a mile a minute! But congratulations to my wonderful husband on getting hired for his job today! I love you and I hope we make it after all.

Music

I've realized there is a lot of music out there that is popular amongst different groups, making them not so obscure after all. I wish I knew more people who had similar taste in music as I did. Especially girl friends, so I can go to shows with them and it wouldn't be inappropriate. It's great going to shows with Danish, but you know it can be fun going with other people, too. I love discovering new music, and what's even more pleasant is when I learn someone likes the same song as I do. Music is meant to be shared, I think. It's a common ground people can have. For example, on the day of one of my clinicals where I've mentioned emotions ran high, I was taken aback and humbled by music and life. We're required to talk to and get to know the patients on the psychiatric unit, most of whom have various forms of mental illnesses such as schizophrenia and psychosis. During a game of Dominoes, one patient who had been talking to himself during the game and behaving quite irratically suddenly said, "We should turn on the radio." We all agreed and he proceeded to tune to a station. He set it to an 80s rock station and "Come Sail Away" by the Styx came on. To my surprise, he stood there and started belting out the words to the song! His eyes were closed as if he were concentrating intently (I imagine) on how the song flowed through him; he nodded his head to the beat of the rocking chorus: A gathering of angels appeared above my head/They sang to me this song of hope, and this is what they said/They said come sail away, come sail away/Come sail away with me. Then from next to me, the timid, overweight patient who was admitted for attempted suicide quietly joined in, all the while not taking her eyes off her domino pieces. I couldn't believe it...I felt that although these patients were internally tormented on a daily basis and their minds were not "normal," at one point in their lives that song appealed to their liking and made them feel good inside...as any song could to an individual. This sounds incredibly hippie-ish, I was in awe of how music brings us humans on a similar plane, no matter what we're going through or where we've been in life.

Tigers love pepper...they hate cinnamon

I went to check out the venue in McKinney and the place was really nice. It's small and cozy with a gigantic stone fireplace, long windows, and a terrace that overlooks the golf course. Then Rachel took me to a wedding dress boutique called Circle Park Bridal where I tried on a few dresses that didn't fit me...or my budget. Luckily Rachel tells me she had bought a dress on a whim and is offering it to me as a gift! How generous...I've asked her several times how sure she was of just giving the dress to me. I'm currently working on finding a tailor who could alter the dress to my size. So far I have date, venue, food, dress, parting gifts, decorations, photographer, and bridesmaids down! I still have to work on flower arrangements and color coordination for bridemaid dresses and accents, shit like that. All I know for the bridesmaid dresses, I don't want them wearing the same thing or same color. Then there is also organizing a dinner for my parents and Danish's parents to meet, I guess the "rehearsal dinner" even if we're not having a rehearsal? Oh so stressful. I know I've hired a wedding planner, but there is so much more than just a wedding to plan for...GIFT registery. And wedding invitations, which I'm going to complete tomorrow afternoon. Heyo, almost done.

We brought down part of the backyard fence to rebuild a new one. It was a lot of manual labor...something my family always finds ourselves being apart of! I find it funny and endearing - my little family doing manual labor and working so hard and living life...I am so proud of my parents and my brother and sister. Also Danish's team, the Cincinnati Bengals, totally kicked ass in today's game against the Chicago Bears, 45-10. They seem to be having a good season. I have no idea why I'm writing about them, I'm so disinterested in football. But I find it hot that Danish is really into it, and it's nice that for once he's rooting for the underdog team that is doing well for themselves. We went and saw The Hangover at the dollar theater, which was vile yet decently funny. Oh, and last week's dinner with the girls went well. We ended up going to The Fish, and I have to say their bathroom is quite top notch - you walk down a short hallway of mirrors that compels you to dance down the length of to mandatory sushi restaurant techno music, and they have very modern, complicated sink faucets and pictures of half naked men on the walls. Sadly, I drank too much and had to be excused from clinical the next day due to my outrageous hangover, which my instructor suspected to be the flu. I'm so worthless, I spent the rest of the day in bed nursing myself back to health with ice water and Pepto Bismal.

Rachelevents.com

I hired a wedding planner who is the most energetic and capable person I would imagine in this field! We're checking out a venue in McKinney today and I pray it is everything I want. Then it's Steel for dinner with the girls, which is a pretty big deal considering it will be the first time I see all of them since the news. It's nice to have a day off from clinical, but instead of being able to thrash around in bed, I am busy with...life. I guess I should feel blessed. I am blessed. I just have a horrible attitude. But I'm working on it, with prayer since I can't do it on my own. Also, FYI I only had one glass of wine last night, instead of the whole bottle. Still managed to have a decent time on our double date with Gian and Bobbi. I was pleased with Danish picking out a Thai restaurant, that was considerate of him to do. As for the details of yesterday's clinical, I'll save it for later - so much happenings and emotions running high, it was a mess...I was a hot mess. Goodness, when does it end?

I have given up

On most things. I'm planning a wedding. I would be more excited about it if I wasn't so emotionally drained. I'm too depressed to write anything of substance. Just this, Love is wider than my need will ever be. God's love, that is. That is all.

If I make it at all

Scratch that, I'm not in the mood for music this week. Plus I don't think another local show will top last Friday's show at Hailey's...not for a while at least. I learned something interesting today about people with mania - their "normal" is on a different level than the rest of us, resulting in characteristics such as euphoria, grandiosity, and increased interest in goal-directed activities. I'm not sure if I have that kind of temperament, but I sure do feel like Danish is never on my level with anything. I always feel he is never as happy, sad, inspired, stressed, angry, or in love as much as I am. I can be a little over the top sometimes, taking things to the extreme; however, it makes me wonder if he has any feelings at all! The only feeling I can see in him is indifference, or at least that is what I interpret it as. Then I'll get mad and he'll say, "What did I do? I didn't even do anything!" Then we fight. Haha, not always. Anyway, if I can manage to channel my stress and frustration into studying, that would turn out perfectly. I have been finding it difficult to concentrate on anything lately. The weather makes me sleepy, planning makes me anxious, and Danish makes me crazy. "A husband is one who stands by you in troubles you wouldn't have had if you hadn't married him."

Dreams

Whenever I feel something is out of my control, I have painfully realistic dreams of my teeth falling out. Last night, I dreamt I was flossing and pulled a molar out. Other times, I would bite into a food item and a few teeth would become loose and eventually fall out; one bad one, all of them came loose and were crunching around in my mouth before I spit them out. I've noticed that it's when I'm completely hopeless that I have these teeth dreams. When I'm stressed, I dream the inside of my cheeks and lips sloughs off...

The birth of a baby boy

Happy birthday to my dear Danish. I've been a real jackass to him lately but I plan to make it up to him. I love him. I'm hoping to see True Widow and Vivian Girls this Thursday. And the apartment looks decent now; we don't live like Charlie anymore. I reactivated my Facebook and I can already tell it will ruin my life again. Blah blah. Et ceux qui ne font rien ne se trompent jamais. Take action! Be assertive! Love! Love!

Silver piles of smiles

I think I should read George Orwell's 1984 just because everyone else has. On a different subject, I'm craving authenticity and vulnerability...in others and in myself. I'm sad that we have become so desensitized to most things that matter. I'm tired of everyone else's indecisiveness and lack of direction. I'm tired of my bad attitude. Also as far as the previous post, I use the term "hippie" loosely and in reference to Southpark. It's just funny to rip on hippies like Cartman does. I don't have a personal vendetta against hippies. At lease not all of them.

Austin City Limits: Fail

Was it the weather, the company (Danish), or those damn hippies? No one will ever know, but ACL was one big disappointment. On Friday I was able to see Thievery Corporation, a little bit of Them Crooked Vultures, and of course the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. I was naturally blown away by Karen O, having seen her for the first time live. They released "eye balls" into the crowd, which exploded with confetti. And Karen is such a spectacular frontman. However, I realized I'm just not really into crowds, long lines, walking, portable shitters, body odor, pushing, hippies, or mud. Maybe I was never into those things and I tricked myself into thinking I did for the sake of being "cool" and "indie."

After the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, we roamed around 6th street looking for J Black's where Danish's cousin was waiting for us, stopped by a stand for a bratwurst with sauerkraut and onions then pizza, and finally arrived at J Black's only to realize it was a "club" with loud "booty" music, folks wearing fancy clothes, and no place to sit. At this point, I was tired and looking/smelling like a gross hippie myself so we politely excused ourselves and left for Brian's apartment. Had a great night sleep.

Saturday it rained. We went to mi Madre's for brunch: coffee and breakfast tacos/burritos. I met up with Molly and her boyfriend Jesse as well as Brian's new girlfriend, Kendra. Had a great time, fun conversation, and the food was so yummy. Danish and I decided to hang out with Brian a while longer before leaving for ACL, so we picked up some Shiner and went to his apartment club house. One crazy thing did happen while we were at the gas station picking up beer - a crazy/homeless woman followed Brian back to the car. She was so aggressive and following so close that when Brian got into the car and tried to close the door, he accidentally closed it on her head leaving her slightly dazed until she finally walked off. It was frightening, comical, and sad at the same time...although we did joke about it afterwards.

Brian dropped us off at the shuttle stop. We didn't have an umbrella, raincoats, boots, panchos, or even trash bags and goggles. I was so pissed at Danish. So basically we were there for about 2 hours getting soaked, listened to some ...And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead, danced around a bit, drank a beer I snuck in, then rode the bus back to where Brian picked us up. Gah! We cleaned up and went to eat at The County Line BBQ, which was pretty sweet. Packed our little bellies with brisket and ribs, said our good-byes to Brian, and headed back to Dallas. Unfortunately, we switched on and off between sleeping and arguing...the whole ride back.

I like Austin, especially all the fooooood places. And the trees there are nice. But it felt so good to be home. Hopefully I have a better road trip experience in the near future. OH! Actually I will be...come December! Visiting the in-laws in Louisville, Kentucky. Yippee!

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 5 Episode 2 is hands down one of the best episodes yet! I've watched it 3 times already. I lol'd each time, especially during the scene where Sweet Dee creepily and drunkenly sings "Runaway Train" to the hitchhiker driving her car...while peeing in a jar. Then she slugs the urine out of the car window which immediately enters the open backseat window, splashing onto a sleeping Mac. Classic! There were more things like the Gang almost killing a bicyclist and annihilating his bike, Dennis and Charlie passing out in the trailer because they started a fire with some wicker furniture, and...Charlie eating stickers "all the time."

Feeling a synthetic kind of love

The Flaming Lips are coming out with Embryonic on October 13, 2009. HOW RAD! Granted they come out with a handful of good songs out of a plethora of bizarre, LSD-influenced ones. Not only that, Karen O contributed on a few songs! She is everywhere. This week better go by really fast.

Bands I'm looking forward to seeing

School of Seven Bells
Dr. Dog
Coheed and Cambria
Andrew Bird
Yeah Yeah Yeahs
The Raveonettes
Grizzly Bear
Bon Iver
The Decemberists

Those are just the bands I'm familiar with. I'm pretty sure I won't seeing all of them, I may wander off to other stages. I can't believe I'll be seeing Yeah Yeah Yeahs. I can't believe I'll be spending the whole weekend with Danish.

In other news, I did decently on my exam today. I was so anxious this morning that it caused me to vomit! After the math retake, I ate lunch at Pei Wei with Danielle and Julie which was pretty awesome. Then Julie, Danish, and I watched a movie called "Blood Creek" at the dollar theater which was horrible...I felt bad for making Julie watch it. It was gory, cheesy, and ridiculous.

Next, here are some gory, cheesy, ridiculous lyrics which I love from Ludo:

I'm a killer
Cold and wrathful
Silent sleeper
I've been inside your bedroom
I've murdered half the town
Left you love notes on their headstones
I'll fill the graveyards
Until I have you

Moonlight walking
I smell your softness
Carnivorous and lusting
To track you down among the pines
I want you stuffed into my mouth
Hold you down and tear you open
Live inside you
Oh love, I'd never hurt you

But I'll grind against your bones
Until our marrows mix
I will eat you slowly
Ohhhhh
The horror of our love
Never so much blood pulled through my veins
Ohhhhh
The horror of our love
Never so much blood

I wake in terror
Blackbirds screaming
Dark cathedrals spilling
Midnight on their alters
I'm your servant
My immortal
Pale and perfect
Such unholy heaving
The statues close their eyes
The room is changing
Break my skin
And drain me

Ancient language
Speak through fingers
The awful edges
Where you end and I begin
Inside your mouth
I cannot see
There's catastrophe
In everything I'm touching
As I sweat and crush you

And I hold your beating chambers
Until they beat no more
You die like angels sing
Ohhhhh
The horror of our love
Never so much blood pulled through my veins
Ohhhhh
The horror of our love
Never so much blood

You're a ghost, love
Nightgown flowing
Your body blue and walking
Along the continental shelf
You are a dream among the sharks
Beautiful and terrifying
Living restless
We dance in dark suspension

And you bury me
In the ocean floor beneath you
Where they'll never hear us scream
Ohhhhh
The horror of our love
Never so much blood pulled through my veins
Ohhhhh
The horror of our love
Never so much blood

(The Horror Of Our Love)

They're playing at The Door November 13.

Then and now

We haven't aged.

Jump Five

And some sweet news...Danish and I are going to ACL! Unfortunately, it's looking like some kids with disabilities won't be having me for camp that weekend. I'll make it up to them somehow.

Parking violation

I have no time for anything anymore.

Romance

I wonder if he knows anything about it.

Let me explain

My making a Twitter account is completely for academic reasons. Today in class the teachers enthusiastically informed the class that they would be "tweeting" announcements, helpful hints, and reminders to enhance our learning experience in both Pediatric and Adult health. I feel so lame for doing it, but at least I don't have Facebook to go along with it. Hm...as Daniel said, I've "entered the Blogosphere" or internet realm. I do spend a lot of time on the internet - everything is internet. Definitely music.

Speaking of music, over the weekend we went to The Cavern to see Bad Veins and Lauren's husband's band They Were Stars, and apparently it was a good show. Unfortunately, I totally missed out on Bad Veins! I was across the street at Taco Cabana with Meagan, chit-chatting about marriage and relationships and stuffing our faces with delicious tacos and quesadillas. Oh well, at least Daniel was there to enjoy them so I'm happy. Their sound is much like The Strokes, The Killers, and The Bravery. I liked "The Lie":

I know this week will go by pretty quickly. This Labor Day weekend, we're going to make a trip out to see the Grand Canyon with my parents. They've never been so it should be exciting.

The "Root"

The "Root" refers to the way I tie my hair when I'm at home or wanting to be comfortable - it's pulled away from my face so that the pony tail is not just in the back of my head, but acutally sitting on top so that the hair splays out like a fountain or what Daniel calls a root. He says it is as if I can be pulled out of the ground by the pony tail like a carrot or some other root vegetable. To be honest, it's not an attractive look, but what do I care since I'm usually home or hanging out with him. But out of a barrage of insults from Daniel last night, one happened to poke at the unkempt look I sported when we went grocery shopping. "Let your hair down," he said. "I can't, it'll leave a crease," I replied. "Well at least redo it so it doesn't look so crazy." "Why? You think I'm ugly?" To which he said, "No, but I don't want anyone else to." On the car ride home, he made it a point to let me know I wasn't as smart as someone we go to church with. And he said he didn't trust my cooking. I clammed up throughout dinner and went home early and had to choke on my frustration when he neither called or texted me on my car ride home. We didn't even pray together for my first day of school.

I'm not that upset and it's really not a fight. Just irritating/insensitive things he does sometimes. I'm sure I do plenty of annoying things to him, too. I know there are things I just have to let slide when in a relationship, but once in a while I get this crazy notion that if I let him slide with one thing, then he will try to get away with another thing, and pretty soon take complete advantage of me. Of course that is just silly and untrue. The man is not out to get me, to poke and prod until he finds a loophole. But I get worried sometimes. I've gotten a lot better...it's the controlling, insecure side of me that destroys life and the world. And I'm going to throw in that it's pretty egotistical to believe that someone has to be sweet to me at all times when I'm not always so pleasant myself. Yeah, I'm a terrible person.

So I've made a resolution of some sorts - I'm going to stay sober all semester long! I'll have a beer here and there, but nothing to get me drunk. I think it's possible not to mention I may gain some respect from people, i.e. Daniel. To my dismay, Daniel wasn't as excited as I was. "You can't set a goal for an entire semester," he said with considerable airs, "You have to set short-term goals, such as 'I will try to stay sober for one week.'" Exasperated, I said, "I don't have a drinking problem. Quit talking to me like I should be in AA." Sometimes I wonder if I do have a drinking problem, and he happens to be the "Root" of it! Grr.

Coffee Break

I wonder if it's any difference if I remembered the moments during my black outs.

Probably not.

Normalcy

I'm home again, with no outside obligations. I would greatly enjoy being a house wife. I love to cook and clean, and I would read books, take cat naps, play with my dog, work out, watch movies, and clip coupons for when I go shopping. I totally dig that kind of life style. At least once I graudate, I am only required to work 3 12-hour days and I have the rest of the week to myself to do exactly those things.

My story writing has definitely come to a halt. Perhaps I'm really just not that good, and I was merely psyching myself into thinking it wasn't too difficult. We'll see where that goes. I'm needing a delicious plot, one that involves death and tragedy. Funny is definitely not my forte. Daniel continues to suggest real-life writing: real situations, real dialgoue, real emotions.

My brother is is Austin now. I really miss him and hope he's doing well. He said he missed a class on the first day and panicked, but it turned out the class was cancelled. I remember when I first went to college at UT Arlington and it was so overwhelming to be that small and individual in a ocean of students and professors, surrounded by giant buildings. And UT Austin is massive! I've also never lived in a dorm or that far away from home...I'm sure with him it'll be different and fun. He's been longing for this, longing to grow up and get away from high school. I think.

I just finished eating this chinese snack called sachima and I feel a thousand times fatter. It's a soft flour cake made of flour, eggs, sugar, malt, milk, and oil, and it resembles a rice kripsy treat but tastes far less sweet. I like the texture which is like a mix between a soft cookie and a cake. But I guess I ate one when I didn't really crave it so now I feel sick.

I hate banks

I'm looking forward to school starting. I wonder how much I will enjoy/not enjoy Bad Veins seeing as it will be the last show of the summer; the singer sings into a megaphone. I'm glad the summer is coming to an end. It's been so hectic. I'd rather fall into routine once again. Here's a song called "Summer Lovers" by Beats for Beginners. If only I had been smarter in my decisions so that my summer would have been as carefree as this song sounds!

Constipated

Augh! I had a nightmare about a little girl whom I didn't realize was psycho, and she tied up 4 dogs around the neck with rope and tried to drown them in a well! I saved them just in time, performing CPR on each of them. I wonder what the point was of that dream. I didn't fall asleep until after 4:30 this morning, maybe that had something to do with it. I'm going to the pool with Diana for a bit today. I'm anxious to finish reading To Kill a Mockingbird. For a while, I thought it was called How to Kill a Mockingbird and Danish corrected me. I'm going to start C.S. Lewis' Space Trilogy next. I love his writings. Tomorrow, we drive to Houston for our passports, then Austin to get my brother settled into his dorm. There's so much on my mind, I wish I could let it all out.

Taper off and I'm had

I'm having a great hair day. I'm getting my picture taken for my passport. Then Bible study. What a great, relaxing day.

Writing

Danish told me that in order to write something worth reading, I need to be able to have the reader connect with me and be in my shoes. It's a lot harder than anticipated. I wanted so much to create a bizarre character in whom I can live through vicariously, but such is not the case. I'm leaning towards an autobiography. Of course I've mentioned before, if I lose motivation I want to at least publish a short story. There's no way I can methodically display my progress, but I've created a new blog where I will frequently update with the bits and pieces of writing I can manage to muster. None of it will make sense, nor will it have appropriate beginnings or endings. I don't mean to make a big deal, and to be honest my creative energy will most likely fizzle out by the time school starts. I've barely started writing and I'm already disappointed in the prospect of my inspiration being doused.

Pictures from the circus

My favorite show at the circus was the motorcycles in the cage. Afterwards, we ate at a place called Dixie House Cafe. Then we went to the Korean supermarket to pick up some groceries. Then home to Rupert, Derek and Zoe's dog that Danish is watching over the weekend. Yesterday was our friend Paul's birthday, and we went to Chilli's for dinner, but copped out of going to Social House because we were exhausted. To my surprise, I couldn't think of having one more drink and we ended up just hanging at the apartment. I still can't believe our friends Josh and Loni are getting a divorce. Sigh. I wish there was a way I could tell them that no one is easy to love until you understand agape love, and that their marriage could be saved. But you know, it's just hard to bring up those kinds of things. People don't think God has anything to do with their lives. These circus pictures suck.

Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey

Going to the circus to see animals and flying people and to eat peanuts and cotton candy! Hooray!

Then perhaps a date night with my hubby. Oh, and I've started writing some jibber jabber for my book/short story. It's pathetic, but at least it's something. We're gonna head west. There's a rumor goin' around there might be some Inspiration out there. So we're headed out Californee Way.

Really, a drunken post...

But I say all this out of love for humanity. There is hope in that God didn't just leave us here to fend for ourselves. He left us here with others who also have a passion for Him, and I am at ease with that. Before, not so much since we live in such a fallen world...don't you agree? It's so easy to be self-satisfied...at any rate, I am convinced that there are others who love humanity as much as I do, and love the LOVE of God as much as I do. It's definitely not a matter of religion; it's an obsessive, uncontrolled love stupor for the Creator who is consistently drawing us towards Him. My tiny, insignificant existence is of importance to Him, and I feel that with all my heart. He loves me because He created me to love me. How awesome is that!

Surfin' with a body in the water

Pictures from Broken Social Scene

Blog

I'm bad at blogging. I went to see Broken Social Scene with some friends on Friday and had a really good time. Unfortunately that whole adventure cost me a whopping $90. I was surprised to see Telegraph Canyon open for them! They were awesome. I totally started an encore for them when they played for the Fort Worth Weekly Music Showcase earlier this summer. Just saying.

Then Saturday, we woke up early to volunteer with the Village Church at an event called Transform where we helped renovate Calhoun Middle School in Denton. They also had a Back to School Supply Drive where they handed out hundreds of backpacks to the children in the community. It was an overwhelmingly meaningful experience for me, and during lunch I sat on the bleachers in the gym and cried tears of joy while eating my hot dog.

Violent Still Life has finally completed their self-titled LP and I was there to partake in the glorious yet painstaking process of uploading the songs onto TuneCore. It's all very exciting and I'll be sure to mention on here whenever they play a show. It will be around September, is what Danish says...some good fall music for everyone, everywhere!

Today's highlights

I ate Chipotle and watched Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure.

Christine

I met Danish's cousin Christine on Wednesday. Blah, that was so long ago...it's strange to meet someone that belongs to the same family who is so normal. Not that there is anything wrong with Danish, or anything wrong with normal; it's just that I've known him for such a long time that I correlate him with my weirdness...he has always been a freak just like me. But Christine...she's so well-adjusted and sweet and all-American. She doesn't look anything like Danish, and she smells so good. And I liked her immediately, to my relief, and I think she liked me back. We picked her up from Danish's other cousin Leah's apartment and went to Billiard Bar on Greenville Avenue for Michelle's 30th birthday. The scene there is nice, where the girls are pierced and tattooed and the guys look like Harmony Korine. It was $1 PBR night! I enjoyed myself and was pleased to see Danish enthusiastically interact with Christine who was equally entertained by everything he said. When midnight rolled around, we embarrassed Michelle by singing happy birthday to her. A few of her friends had shown up, but Michelle excused herself and went home before 1, claiming she was just too tired and old to stay out any longer. She didn't even finish the Tuaca Lemon Drop shot I got for her! At any rate, we made new friends with people we didn't know and laughed and took pictures and bade them farewell as we stumbled back to the car (I stumbled. I was also made fun of by some girls standing in front of The Cavern for saying out loud how much I liked The Cavern). 'Twas a good night, meeting family and celebrating a birthday and all.

I love the rain we've been getting although it prevented us from seeing Grimy Styles after Brad's reception dinner last night. It was all the way out in Red Oak, Texas and we thought we were late. Hank called and said they were just getting out of the church and asked what Danish was wearing. Of course not being part of the wedding party, and having been told it was going to be a BBQ/swimming reception dealio, he was just wearing a T-shirt and shorts (as was I). Hank said, "Oh really? Well, we had to dress nice for this...Brad is wearing his suit and tie...we were going to take pictures, but I guess it will be alright with what you're wearing...hold on, Brad wants to talk to you." (Brad gets on the phone) "Hey, Danny! How's it going, man? What are you wearing? Oh...well, see we're trying to take pictures. I guess we can all change when we get there...oh no, don't worry about it...I guess it's alright." At this, Danish felt like a jackass for not wearing the appropriate attire. Maybe he wanted to cry, haha jk. Then Hank, Brad, and Richard roll up in front of the house and park. Danish tells me, "I bet you anything they were just pranking me." Sure enough, they get out of the car and they were all just wearing T-shirts and shorts, not to mention huge grins on their faces! I thought it was hilarious. I can't believe it's been almost 6 years of Danish and his friends pranking each other.

The rest of the night was fun and relaxing, lots of food and talking. It was pretty to see the lightning outside. I was happy for Brad and Bethany, like a genuine happy. I had that feeling again when I realized my friends were growing up, and I expected it to ache each time, but it didn't. I really felt happy with the fact that everyone was growing up. I can't imagine why I expected it to ache. I guess I'm blessed because it didn't, because I don't have any regrets. The future can be welcomed with open arms and an open heart. That's why I can be genuinely happy for my friends and particularly for myself. It was/is a pleasant feeling :)

Change

I truly believe God works in mysterious ways. When all seems to go down the crapper, He shows us that He's been there all along - we just didn't see Him because we were focusing on everything going down the crapper! I want to live more passionately for what I believe. If I don't have passion, then I have nothing. Living with moderate beliefs is merely existing, just watching life go by without truly participating in it. I just finished this book, Blue Like Jazz. Although I've read it before, the second read definitely gave me more insight. Don't you love that about books? You can read it again and again, and each time you learn something new. That is definitely how I have experienced the Bible time and again. At any rate, I was really moved by Don Miller's passion for truth and meaning, for God...and it made me look at myself and realize how much I have just been living for myself really. Miller makes a sincere point (repeated throughout history by many figures of the great) of how joy cannot be attained by living for your own good self. I've always known this but never practiced it. Yeah, hardly ever. But I want to! I need to...it needs to start with those closest to me. The book reads like a novel, exploring different phases in the author's life as he searches for the object of his passion - it's beautiful, poignant. There is always room to learn and grow, and the journey never ends. I really recommend this book!

Albums

I meant to do a little review of these albums...but I chose not to. And I'm sure you appreciate that since we all know how many album reviews are already out there. If anything, I'll just say among these 5 albums there is good, decent, and pretty good with the exception of some freaking sweet songs. There you go!

The Fray with Jack's Mannequin

Last night's concert was fun! What with an awesome buzz going on and freaking sweet light shows blowing my mind...the night was...carthartic. Like I said, I'm not a huge fan of the Fray, but they put on a fantastic show. And Andrew McMahon of Jack's Mannequin is cute and emo and kind of a show off...everything I like. Superpages.com Center was a decent venue, I really didn't see anything that was so horrible. Afterwards, I watched Superbad by myself and went to bed, sorely missing Danish.

Picture from the Rough Riders game

I love these people. Even though I admit there were some similarities to the satirical description Carles gives in this blog entry about the typical girls' hang out rituals, I truly believe they've outgrown that partying stage. I think it happened gradually with Diana moving in with her boyfriend, Angie getting engaged, and Meagan buying a house. Whatever it is, I'm glad it's happened. I'm glad to have these people in my life.

Humpty Dumpty

Just kidding, that's mean. Yesterday morning, Danish had quite a fall on his bike ride with his cousin. He couldn't unclip his shoe from the pedal quick enough, so he lost balance and landed on a shoddy chain link fence where a metal prong punctured his hip! It's a small but deep hole surrounded by swelling and redness. It looks disgusting. We went to the doctor's to patch it up and get him a tetanus shot, but apparently it's still bleeding. He was lucky it got him in the hip rather than his side where it could have punctured a spleen or some other organ! The funny thing was he was so excited about his accident and the ongoings of yesterday. Maybe his life is so mundane and that was the most action he's had in a while. I don't know. But I'm glad he's alright.

Eric's mom is on her way back to Dallas today. Thankfully all her matters have been resolved! And I've decided to go to the Fray concert afterall. I wasn't able to sell my ticket. Meagan said she would go with me and I managed to buy a ticket for cheap on Craigslist (how come no one bought mine?!). Tonight, I'm going to another Rough Riders game with Angie, Diana, and Meagan and we'll be doing the whole free food and beer deal. I'm going to miss Danish over the weekend since he's going to an all-weekend bachelor party for Brad. Brad's wedding is next Saturday.

Tattoos

This was quite humorous. My favorite is the orange zone.

Prius marketing campaign

Toyota is planting Solar Flowers all across major cities in the U.S. It gives free power and Wi-Fi.


One comment read: It looks like a ploy to turn us all into the gay.

Everything's electro

But I still like the "indie" music that has become popular these days. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with how much good music is out there. Sometimes I wish I were made of all ears and had all the time in the world. One day, I'll blog about noteworthy music. I mean I was listening to Sally Shapiro, but the music's not really that noteworthy/bloggable whatever...it's easy-listening, decent. I like the music video, though. It's ridiculously cute.



Speaking of music videos, I hope Violent Still Life makes some dreamy-quality, indie music video with some vague message of autumn love/loss to promote their music, which comes out on iTunes in October. I think it will definitely help boost them into popularity. Not that they are doing it for popularity, just a fun project. That's nice to know, you know? They all have real jobs or what not.

I'm taking Eric's mom to the airport tomorrow morning. It's a coincidence I was recently thinking about how much I care for them and wanted to help them because these past two weeks I have been doing just that. It was stressful, but it's finished - I had to book a flight to Seattle for the poor lady to get some legal matters taken care of. It was a huge ordeal since she wanted to go with Eric but the airline tickets were a scam. Not only that, I had booked a flight for her last week but she had to cancel due to some unexpected circumstances. Did you know if you cancel a flight, it costs $180 in fees to reuse that credit? Then she asked if I was willing to drive her there, and I apologetically had to decline since it would have cost her even more in gas, hotel, and food expenditures. Finally my mom talked her into going on the trip by herself, so she's off tomorrow morning. She's so easily distraught, it breaks my heart. I pray God gives her peace and joy, and for her personal matters to smooth over nicely in Seattle.

I love this show

Caught Counting

I tagged along to Danish's band practice today. The mixing is coming along great! All the equipment in that recording studio at Derek's house is freaking rad. I think it truly takes an ear to single out rogue sounds or adjust the tempo of one tiny vocal or instrument; I couldn't do it. I can't wait till the end of August when they will play an awesome show. Here are the other two phenomenal talents behind Violent Still Life, Zoe and Derek:


I'm blown away at the details involved in producing a song. It's one thing coming up with the song...then playing it...then mixing it to bring out the best quality of sound. I was pleased when I was told Danish contributed a lyric I wrote, which is now part of the song "Caught Counting": Why oh why do the gray skies cry, soaking the grave in which I lie. Pretty depressing, huh? Well the song doesn't sound nearly as depressing as the lyrics - it sounds pretty freaking awesome and shoe-gazey. I have yet to see them play, but next Tuesday I'll see them practice for the first time after mixing these past few weeks. And Zoe is making her well-known vegetarian lasagna for dinner. Totally looking forward to it!

An oldie but a goodie

In other news, I'm very happy because I'm head over heels in love!

$5 Car wash

I saw this quote on someone's Myspace and liked it: It's no sign of health to be well adjusted to a sick society. I'm normal.

Big monkey, little monkey

Last Saturday was Miriam's wedding where the reception was held at the Stonebridge Ranch country club. Once again, I was too drunk to take pictures of any of the details to my regret because they were beautiful. We had a decent time, although we were both tired from staying out late the night before. Brooke wanted to go to Blackfinn and if you don't know already, everytime I go to Blackfinn I drink too much.

Well, I'm glad to say that night made me realize how badly I need to slow my roll with the alcohol. I can't seem to gauge the zone between buzzed and trashed, and my self-control goes out the window when there's an open bar. Why that night and not the other nights that have gotten me sicker and in more trouble? I really don't know, but after throwing up everywhere in Danish's new apartment and eeking through the next two days with the meanest hangover ever, I resolved to never let that happen again. Let's hope that's my final resolution and I don't become a repeat offender.

At my parents' suggestion, Danish and I made a trip to Fort Worth to visit Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary, where both my parents received their masters degrees in theology. Danish liked the campus, and of course I was elated to be there because it brought back so many childhood memories! We're planning on taking a few enrichment courses there in the future.

Campus bookstore buybacks

Damn campus bookstores! How is it remotely fair for textbooks to cost an arm and a leg, only to be bought back for a fraction of the price?! It's asinine! That's what it is! I guess the payoff is the opportunity to be in school to get a degree to work for peanuts in this economy.

Someone responded to my Craigslist ad for the Fray concert ticket. I'm supposed to be meeting with them today. Hopefully that goes swimmingly. I've been meaning to post up other things on the website, particularly junk my dad buys...off Craigslist.

It's unfortunate what's happened with the cyber attack in South Korea and the U.S. They believe North Korea is behind it. Those North Koreans! I find it bizarre that communist countries such as North Korea still exist in today's world. I feel so sorry for the people of those countries whose knowledge of the rest of the world stretches only as far as the government would allow. It definitely takes a conniving, malicious individual with no soul to run a country as a dictator, controlling its people to such a gruesome degree. Sometimes I picture Kim Jong Il as Brain from Pinky and the Brain, waking up every morning and scheming to take over the world. Except Brain is cute and funny and apparently has the world's best interest at heart.

Tonight I'm going to the Rough Rider's game with Meagan. She has that work perk where we get wrist bands that allow us to roam around for all-you-can-eat food and beer. It's going to be sweet!

Decimate

Lately I've been waking up feeling drained rather than energized. I wonder if it's the bed or the sweltering heat we're forced to sleep in on account of my mother's frugality. I just love to blast the AC. It's my "fat" nature that causes me to be so intolerable of high temperatures. Strangely, summer is my favorite season.

Ok, so brace yourself...I got a job! Or students, rather. Both girls are in 9th grade and I will be tutoring them Algebra 2 and English. I start tomorrow. I really thought God intended me to move on from tutoring kids and seek employment in a different field - particularly the hospital field. I guess that opportunity will come another time. I'm so relieved...as you know I dreaded the thought of working a "real" job - long hours with little pay compared to my few hours with a whopping load of cash!

On the same subject, I have a student named Eric whose brother Joo died three years ago yesterday. He and his mother were going to visit his grave after lunch, but I regretfully couldn't accompany them because I didn't have time. You see, Joo was one of my students three years ago and during that time, he was diagnosed with a brain tumor which progressed rapidly. He was in and out of the hospital and his head swelled up so much it made his face unrecognizable. I remember trying to help him into the bathroom because he wasn't feeling well from the chemotherapy, but we were too late and he threw up all over me. I started to cry as he and his mother were apologizing to me in embarrassment. I desperately wanted to hold them in my arms and tell them it was completely alright; instead I just cried and cried. Sometimes that language barrier can really hinder true feelings - I wanted so badly to express to them my compassion and support. It was a heart-wrenching experience because I had never known someone to die. I don't consider Eric to be a client, but more like family. I'd drop anything I'm doing to help them out. Can you imagine losing your son like that? I can't. It's just too sad to even think about. I hope I can always be there for them and that they would always be a part of my life.

I don't know nothing!

It's a brand new week! I hope I get a lot done seeing as I have all the time in the world. I don't have too many pictures to recap this past weekend, but here's what I do have. My parents didn't feel like watching fire works this year. Instead we ate a bunch of food and watched a movie at home. Saturday, we went to the lake with Sheldon and Diana, then Wes and Miriam's bachelor/bachelorette party in Fort Worth. Drinking during the day in the hot sun makes me tired and groggy, but I managed to become energized again later that night. I was so glad Danish decided to come with me to Fort Worth. I wouldn't have made it otherwise because of the drive. We have so much fun together! Aside from getting kicked out of a bar for no apparent reason and being a tasty man treat for a swarm of gay asians, I think he had fun that night, too. My favorite parts of this weekend were: hanging out as a family, watching Meagan be really drunk at the lake, passing around a bottle of Bacardi Lemon in plain view of the bartender at The Flying Saucer, and Miriam pulling her pants down in front of everyone. My least favorite parts: ugly bare-boobed girls at the lake, losing my sister's Marc Jacobs sunglasses (why would they sink?!), and drama between a couple of girls and their significant others who were part of the bachelor party. I hope everyone had a great Fourth of July. This summer has been very eventful so far. And to think it's not even over yet! Oh yeah, and Danish is completely moved in to his new apartment. I forgot to mention that the apartment building he's in has been fire damaged due to a man who killed himself by setting himself on fire! Awful. The smoke smell in his apartment is almost gone, though. I have an exciting two weeks ahead of me...