I know you can speak. So say it, say you love me.

A quick update: I am drinking Southern Comfort and pomegranate juice, boiling chicken because I have no time to thaw it before 'attempting' to cook penne rigate with chicken, and waiting for Danish to come home so we can eat and watch Mystic River on DVD.

I had a productive day, I think, and today was my first official day as a 25-year-old. How does it feel? you ask. Well, I'm still unemployed, in bad need of a haircut, and very much in love with life - so...pretty good, I should say!

---This just in, I'm making quite a mess in the kitchen...there's pasta sauce everywhere!

Maker's

I drank everyday this week. If I don't get this under control...

German beer

I have three days off including today. I feel strange and anxious because I've never had so many days off like this before. Of course it's all because I didn't call my preceptor over the weekend to schedule my clinical. I have a feeling she works weekends...that may be a good thing for me. My very important exit exam, the HESI, is on March 29 after spring break, and I've got to nail my butt down to a chair and study for it. I've never been good with time management and so this is an issue. I guess this week I can try to make an appointment with my school therapist. I need to get a lot of bottled up shit out...I'm only going because it's free. At least the first six sessions are.

By the way, I totally lied on my drugs and alcohol evaluation. I probably do need the counseling.

Growing pains and empty days

I may or may not have a drinking problem.

Smile like you mean it

Lately I've been at a loss for words. I type and delete. Then give up altogether. This barrage of inappropriate thoughts and emotions has rendered me futile in self-expression. It's like a fever; the temperature runs too high for normal body function. Yes, the wedding is next weekend. Regrettably, that is only the tip of the iceberg. I won't go into anymore detail for fear of boring you, but I've determined that my angst stems from my lack of healthy coping skills. Instead of turning to prayer and meditation (which I am aware would do me great benefit), I have been drinking much more excessively than usual. I lose a lot of respect in the process. For a while, I felt that perhaps I was getting cold feet of some nature. Although I'm already married, it hasn't quite felt official since my parents have insisted I stay home as much as possible until the wedding. I mean, I haven't even been able to share a bed with my own husband. Then the thought of going through the ritualistic torture called a wedding, leaving my dear parents and the house I grew up in, and moving in with a person whom I sometimes perceive as my greatest enemy...it's too much! Sure, such is life blah blah. Let me remind you I have the mental and emotional capacity of a 6-year-old. I live in my own little world of stability and disaster, an anomaly I can't even explain. So what am I facing here - is it a change towards stability or towards disaster? While I have been brooding over these uninteresting matters, I apparently 'forgot' to study for my practic HESI exams, thus failing them. Not to worry, they didn't count against me or anything. I'm utterly exasperated by my own feeble-mindedness. Get a freaking grip, right?

The pains of being pure at heart

What a great band name. They also play great music. I managed to barely pass today's exam after agonizingly going over the notes the night before with a hangover that left me with no recollection of how I got home Saturday night. Way to go, me. On the bright side, the bridal shower was incredible. My very dear friend Miranda insisted on hosting one at her house, and I was most grateful. I felt so lucky to be amongst my closest friends who so genuinely celebrated my getting married. Pictures will ensue.

Another good friend of mine, Meagan, left for the Phillipines today to manage a company branch that has been outsourced. For several months she mulled over whether or not she was willing to put herself in a completely different world outside of "home." I told her it was a good idea; it was always good to have some culture. Her main concern revolved around the conveniences that she believed would not be at her disposal (such as food, hygiene products, and television). I smiled to myself when she expressed her sore disdain for the third world country. But I can understand exactly where she's coming from (television and all!), which is the sad part. I just think it's unfortunate that we get so caught up in our little bubble with our comforts, conveniences, and safety nets. That is so human of us! It was a lesson for myself seeing as I'm the greatest culprit of them all...I sound my trumpet of Jesus and His saving grace, yet I'm too much of a weenie to step out of my bubble and live like Jesus did. I'm interested in God's plan for Meagan. I know God has a hold on her and I'm curious to see how she will react - I'm praying it will be a step towards finding Him! I know God puts us in uncomfortable places sometimes to open our eyes to new experiences which mature us.

I want to mature.

Almost the weekend

I just downloaded The Album Leaf discography. I can't wait to listen to it this weekend. In other news, tomorrow is my very last clinical for this semester. The end is so close, yet so far. I'm praying for Danish, that God gives him strength and ability. He has an unmericiful year ahead of him as he starts his master's degree and internship while working full time...I'm so proud of him. I promised him I will try my best to cook him good food, drink less alcohol, and not act like I'm right all the time. It can be my New Year's resolution! Now I'm off to start the weekend early by watching The Hurt Locker at the dollar theater.

Tigers love pepper...they hate cinnamon

I went to check out the venue in McKinney and the place was really nice. It's small and cozy with a gigantic stone fireplace, long windows, and a terrace that overlooks the golf course. Then Rachel took me to a wedding dress boutique called Circle Park Bridal where I tried on a few dresses that didn't fit me...or my budget. Luckily Rachel tells me she had bought a dress on a whim and is offering it to me as a gift! How generous...I've asked her several times how sure she was of just giving the dress to me. I'm currently working on finding a tailor who could alter the dress to my size. So far I have date, venue, food, dress, parting gifts, decorations, photographer, and bridesmaids down! I still have to work on flower arrangements and color coordination for bridemaid dresses and accents, shit like that. All I know for the bridesmaid dresses, I don't want them wearing the same thing or same color. Then there is also organizing a dinner for my parents and Danish's parents to meet, I guess the "rehearsal dinner" even if we're not having a rehearsal? Oh so stressful. I know I've hired a wedding planner, but there is so much more than just a wedding to plan for...GIFT registery. And wedding invitations, which I'm going to complete tomorrow afternoon. Heyo, almost done.

We brought down part of the backyard fence to rebuild a new one. It was a lot of manual labor...something my family always finds ourselves being apart of! I find it funny and endearing - my little family doing manual labor and working so hard and living life...I am so proud of my parents and my brother and sister. Also Danish's team, the Cincinnati Bengals, totally kicked ass in today's game against the Chicago Bears, 45-10. They seem to be having a good season. I have no idea why I'm writing about them, I'm so disinterested in football. But I find it hot that Danish is really into it, and it's nice that for once he's rooting for the underdog team that is doing well for themselves. We went and saw The Hangover at the dollar theater, which was vile yet decently funny. Oh, and last week's dinner with the girls went well. We ended up going to The Fish, and I have to say their bathroom is quite top notch - you walk down a short hallway of mirrors that compels you to dance down the length of to mandatory sushi restaurant techno music, and they have very modern, complicated sink faucets and pictures of half naked men on the walls. Sadly, I drank too much and had to be excused from clinical the next day due to my outrageous hangover, which my instructor suspected to be the flu. I'm so worthless, I spent the rest of the day in bed nursing myself back to health with ice water and Pepto Bismal.

Coffee Break

I wonder if it's any difference if I remembered the moments during my black outs.

Probably not.

Really, a drunken post...

But I say all this out of love for humanity. There is hope in that God didn't just leave us here to fend for ourselves. He left us here with others who also have a passion for Him, and I am at ease with that. Before, not so much since we live in such a fallen world...don't you agree? It's so easy to be self-satisfied...at any rate, I am convinced that there are others who love humanity as much as I do, and love the LOVE of God as much as I do. It's definitely not a matter of religion; it's an obsessive, uncontrolled love stupor for the Creator who is consistently drawing us towards Him. My tiny, insignificant existence is of importance to Him, and I feel that with all my heart. He loves me because He created me to love me. How awesome is that!

Christine

I met Danish's cousin Christine on Wednesday. Blah, that was so long ago...it's strange to meet someone that belongs to the same family who is so normal. Not that there is anything wrong with Danish, or anything wrong with normal; it's just that I've known him for such a long time that I correlate him with my weirdness...he has always been a freak just like me. But Christine...she's so well-adjusted and sweet and all-American. She doesn't look anything like Danish, and she smells so good. And I liked her immediately, to my relief, and I think she liked me back. We picked her up from Danish's other cousin Leah's apartment and went to Billiard Bar on Greenville Avenue for Michelle's 30th birthday. The scene there is nice, where the girls are pierced and tattooed and the guys look like Harmony Korine. It was $1 PBR night! I enjoyed myself and was pleased to see Danish enthusiastically interact with Christine who was equally entertained by everything he said. When midnight rolled around, we embarrassed Michelle by singing happy birthday to her. A few of her friends had shown up, but Michelle excused herself and went home before 1, claiming she was just too tired and old to stay out any longer. She didn't even finish the Tuaca Lemon Drop shot I got for her! At any rate, we made new friends with people we didn't know and laughed and took pictures and bade them farewell as we stumbled back to the car (I stumbled. I was also made fun of by some girls standing in front of The Cavern for saying out loud how much I liked The Cavern). 'Twas a good night, meeting family and celebrating a birthday and all.

I love the rain we've been getting although it prevented us from seeing Grimy Styles after Brad's reception dinner last night. It was all the way out in Red Oak, Texas and we thought we were late. Hank called and said they were just getting out of the church and asked what Danish was wearing. Of course not being part of the wedding party, and having been told it was going to be a BBQ/swimming reception dealio, he was just wearing a T-shirt and shorts (as was I). Hank said, "Oh really? Well, we had to dress nice for this...Brad is wearing his suit and tie...we were going to take pictures, but I guess it will be alright with what you're wearing...hold on, Brad wants to talk to you." (Brad gets on the phone) "Hey, Danny! How's it going, man? What are you wearing? Oh...well, see we're trying to take pictures. I guess we can all change when we get there...oh no, don't worry about it...I guess it's alright." At this, Danish felt like a jackass for not wearing the appropriate attire. Maybe he wanted to cry, haha jk. Then Hank, Brad, and Richard roll up in front of the house and park. Danish tells me, "I bet you anything they were just pranking me." Sure enough, they get out of the car and they were all just wearing T-shirts and shorts, not to mention huge grins on their faces! I thought it was hilarious. I can't believe it's been almost 6 years of Danish and his friends pranking each other.

The rest of the night was fun and relaxing, lots of food and talking. It was pretty to see the lightning outside. I was happy for Brad and Bethany, like a genuine happy. I had that feeling again when I realized my friends were growing up, and I expected it to ache each time, but it didn't. I really felt happy with the fact that everyone was growing up. I can't imagine why I expected it to ache. I guess I'm blessed because it didn't, because I don't have any regrets. The future can be welcomed with open arms and an open heart. That's why I can be genuinely happy for my friends and particularly for myself. It was/is a pleasant feeling :)

Big monkey, little monkey

Last Saturday was Miriam's wedding where the reception was held at the Stonebridge Ranch country club. Once again, I was too drunk to take pictures of any of the details to my regret because they were beautiful. We had a decent time, although we were both tired from staying out late the night before. Brooke wanted to go to Blackfinn and if you don't know already, everytime I go to Blackfinn I drink too much.

Well, I'm glad to say that night made me realize how badly I need to slow my roll with the alcohol. I can't seem to gauge the zone between buzzed and trashed, and my self-control goes out the window when there's an open bar. Why that night and not the other nights that have gotten me sicker and in more trouble? I really don't know, but after throwing up everywhere in Danish's new apartment and eeking through the next two days with the meanest hangover ever, I resolved to never let that happen again. Let's hope that's my final resolution and I don't become a repeat offender.

At my parents' suggestion, Danish and I made a trip to Fort Worth to visit Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary, where both my parents received their masters degrees in theology. Danish liked the campus, and of course I was elated to be there because it brought back so many childhood memories! We're planning on taking a few enrichment courses there in the future.

How do you even?!

How do you even manage to get onto the ramp and drive 10 miles the wrong way on the highway?! I'm both angry and heartbroken over this disaster. Hannah was a really good high school friend. We've drifted since college and I don't even know her phone number, but this is absolutely terrible news. Judy and I were trying to make plans to see her at Parkland, but the ICU doesn't allow visitors that aren't immediate family. I just hope she's doing ok. Of course the asshole driver was in fair condition after the accident. Apparently there are a lot of these cases occurring in the metroplex, which terrifies me. Especially when these delusional drivers are driving at speeds of up to 70 mph! I just want to say watch out, stay out of the fast lane as it has been reported that drivers going the wrong direction tend to stay to their right, and definitely be conscious of what time you're going home as most of these accidents happen around 2 a.m. - you know, when the bars close.