R-tard

I hope to God, Jesus, Buddha, Joseph Smith, Santa, the Spaghetti Monster in the Sky, whoever and whatever - that I don't fuck this up. Because he means so much to me. Oh, and more importantly, because it's time to grow the fuck up. 

I'm here

And it's just the beginning but maybe I'll make it after all. I miss the Texas heat, the laughter of my friends, the comfort of familiarity. But this place seems to quietly beckon me in subtle ways. We sat out in the backyard at dusk, with the dogs and the baby and the fireflies, and a sense of peace came over me. I can't explain it - no one can. But I know deep inside our love for one another will prevail, and most importantly God's love for both of us will prevail and we're going to make it. 

Life's difficulties, it's all a test...to refine us, to sanctify us, to prepare us for eternity. It's a blessing to have them and overcome them with the power of God alone so all glory goes to Him. I'm not there yet. Neither of us are. We have our weaknesses, sin's seductive embrace seems too much to resist...hoping to practice the fear of The Lord...and to understand more of His mercy and love. 

Motivation

This is a very well known concept: anything that is worth it requires work. A relationship with Jesus, marriage, family, a cozy home, a nice body, financial security. Did I list my priorities just now? You better believe I went back and added that first one onto the list. At any rate, are humans the only entity in the universe that lose motivation and crumble and decay? And the mass suicide of lemmings does not count since it's a misconception of their migratory behavior (just looked it up). Even if it wasn't, active suicide seems more motivational than passive decay.

I am sure somewhere in nature, there is an example of lack of motivation. However, the problem specifically lies in me and I need help cultivating motivation. Okay, now I've lost motivation to even complete this entry! I realize the work that is required for above mentioned list is gainful/rewarding/giving a return. Is it because I am unable to get a taste or see a glimpse of the result? Is that reality to first be able to taste and see before conjuring up the motivation to reach the goal? Were we supposed to have tasted/seen a glimpse of heaven to know that we have something wonderful to look forward to? I must have missed the presentation on that. Or another loony idea is that we have to trust in the potential - believe in the unseen/intangible product of our work to motivate us. What an unsavory negative attitude I have, it's admittedly sickening.

Sure, the journey is what's important, not the end result...but again it's the motivation to continue the journey that is floundering. I feel dim. When instead I wish to "shine bright like a diamond" LOL. The end.

Lyrical genius

Trees and hills

Lord, please give my husband the trees and hills he so desires. Please bless him with abundant growth in his life...bless him infinitely more than he could ask or think. Breathe refreshing strength into him and guide his every step with grace.

"Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy." Psalm 126:5

Freak

I am a freak. I seem to have frequent bouts of amnesia and completely forget all the effort Danish puts toward our marriage - mainly the love language he speaks to me. How wonderful would it be if my brain had selective amnesia and I could forget the details of the affair. To be honest, I'm not sure why I'm more pissed at fucking bitch Tressie than I am with Danish. It would be easier if I were upset with Danish since he is doing everything he can to alleviate and remedy the situation. He is just trying to live his life! She is just trying to live her life! Everyone has moved on...why can't I? This has been a traumatizing ordeal and my confidence has been violently shaken...I don't know if I can recover from this. I've asked to be bombarded with affection but it's impossible for him to do - for anyone to do. I just don't feel loved enough! I will always believe he cared about her more than he cares about me. It's selfish of me to ask more of him as he is giving all that he can. I know he is giving all that he can and he is doing so well...but I wonder if he's sincere and if he's holding back or not. I unfortunately cannot read his mind and apparently he is not a man of words (although for her there were plenty). I am an idiot, a freak. I hate myself with a passion.

Respect

“I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.”

- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

You

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

- C. S. Lewis

Lacey granny panties

I hope I can make this right again. I hope I can rise above the pain. I hope I don't burn out. Stumble. Fade.

Good Morning, Hypocrite

Seems like the roads stretch out like veins, but there's no heart.
Nature's haircut is concrete now, and we played our part.
So we sing...

I've lost my taste for modern things. They're not for me.
I want mundane: a quiet place, where time is free,
And I can sing...

Climbed from my bed, to collect the thoughts that'd fallen from my head,
And you watched me sink, through the carpet, through the basement, and beyond.
And you didn't blink.

On the glass, I traced the sun with my thumb. It sank into the ground.
And then the stars were blinking, like kids who were staring into the wind.
So I climbed through the window and walked until I lost my name.
Now I can play the victim. It's fine. I've seen it on TV.
But if there's one thing I know, it's that I never really know enough.

Our heads, our hands, our brains, our lungs: they're just machines.
These hearts are all that we've got left, and they don't beat.

Live a little, talk a lot; it's the way this goes.
I've come to fear the little knives beneath their well-pressed clothes.
Their arms are reaching; reach is spreading through the neon glow.
Their mouths are moving, but their voices sound like telephones.
The traffic hums; the traffic grumbles near my old window.
The street lights flicker; glow and hover like suspended snow.
I used to watch the moon retreat and wonder where it goes.
Now I just wonder why my head is overrun with ghosts.

So old, so cold

Happy birthday to my darling husband! On this day twenty-something years ago, your testicles dropped from your heart.

Baby, what a year this has been. I need you to know strong you have been for the both of us, how you've kept us afloat. I can't express in words just how blessed I am to be your wifey.

Things to look forward to in 2010-2011:

1. My employment
2. Your graduation
3. Travel 

We're golden!

October

The long months of waiting are finally over! I am employed! Hallelujah! I will be working on the Neuro stepdown unit at The Medical Center of Plano beginning October 18. What a blessing! And what more, the hospital is only 10 minutes away from my house! I'm overjoyed and thankful to all the supportive people who have lifted their prayers for me. God's timing is so utterly perfect that it knocks the wind right out of me.

My parents are in town now, which has been most pleasant. They will be preparing to leave for Indonesia as soon as their visas come in from the Indonesian Embassy in Washington D.C. One aspect I'm especially happy about is that my mom has been cooking for us.

October is Danish's favorite month. Not only is his birthday coming up on the 12th, but the cool weather brings much relief from the Texas heat, there's football, bustling activity, I'll be working, Halloween, and lots of outdoor activities - bike rides, frisbee, dog parks, long walks! Just two weeks ago, I was mournful of summer leaving...I had been listening to songs which I felt captured the sadness and loneliness one may feel as the remnants of a golden summer slip away, only to turn into a forlorn fall. I still had faith that God would provide and things would be alright even if I didn't have a job. But my, my what a refreshing change it is to no longer feel the anxiety of inevitable change and involuntary forward motion that fall usually brings. I know, I'm quite dramatic.

This week

A whole week of studying and not working has flown by. Only 5 more days of studying until my big test! In other news, Danish had a bland week of pacing around the house and not working. Due to his boredom, he would find little things to keep himself occupied - one being fixing the computer from being slow. He's been working on remedying the situation to no avail. I feel bad that the week he has taken off was quite uneventful and unexciting and soon he will return to work and school again. Le sigh.

Tank went to the vet to get his get his shots, teeth cleaned, and have a mole removed from his back. Poor baby.  

Tank groggy from the anesthsia

Tankenstein

Tonight, Danish and I are Denton bound to see Sundress, Ringo Deathstarr, and Sans Soleil at Dan's Silverleaf. It should be a great time...considering our customary trip to Fuzzy's! Ahh, life.

Danish's week off

I am currently watching Futurama with Danish and chillin' to the max. We got back from a very eventful weekend trip to Austin late last night. My brother was excited to return to UT and we spent the greater part of Saturday helping him get settled, buying groceries, and taking him out to eat at Torchy's Tacos. I ordered a Migas Taco (eggs, green chilies, crisp corn tortillas, pico de gallo, avocado, and shredded cheese on flour tortilla) and The Democrat (shredded beef barbacoa and onions, topped off with fresh avocado, queso fresco, cilantro and a lime wedge served on a corn tortilla with green salsa). I didn't think I could finish them as the tacos were very compact, but I devoured them.

Later that night we rode the bus to Trudy's. Apparently they are famous for their Mexican Martinis, served in a full-sized shaker and each patron is cut off at two. I could only handle one.

The next morning, we attended service at The Austin Stone with my brother and his friend. The message was awesome and the change of scenery much appreciated. The message was about how Jesus, although fully God, took on the flesh of man and faced every temptation yet did not sin. Because of this, He is able to sympathize alongside us and is ready and willing to offer us guidance when we ask for it. "Now that we know what we have - Jesus, this great High Priest with ready access to God - let's not let it slip through our fingers. We don't have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He's been through weakness and testing, experienced it all - all but the sin. So let's walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help." Hebrews 4:14-16.

After church, we had lunch at Madam Mam's; I ordered the Guay Teaw Nuer Puey - stew beef slices with with rice vermicelli in beef soup. It was so yummy, and I added a lot of chilli sauce which gave it a nice kick. We said goodbye to my brother and his friend; it was bittersweet as I was hopeful that he would do well in school and maintain integrity - I felt like my parents. We then went swimming at Barton Springs, a natural spring constructed into what looks like a giant swimming pool. The water was so refreshing! I can see how my friends wouldn't want to swim in it due to the abundant aquatic life in the water, but that summer scorch was definitely extinguished in that frigid water. I think I am usually feverish for no reason (perpetual PMS), so cooling down by immersing my entire body in that water was the perfect remedy for the day's high temperature.

Swimming brought upon an appetite which was satisfied by some Texas home cooking from Hoover's Cooking. The Red, White, & Bleu burger was juicy and huge, and the Jalapeno Creamed Spinach was so rich and flavorful. A pleasant eatery ending to a weekend of good eats and fun activities. We headed back to Dallas and arrived home at precisely 11:30pm. The only rude encounter before finally going to bed was the disgusting cockroach hanging on the shower curtain when I went into the bathroom to pee. By the time I had woken Danish up and equipped him with the roach spray, the little vermin was nowhere to be found. He liberally sprayed the corners and edges anyway to quiet my uneasiness. I. Hate. Cockroaches.

I have some good news! I've been cleared to take my NCLEX! Praise God. I've scheduled my test for Thursday, September 2 - the soonest date possible. I've never been so ready to get my license...I am almost a Registered Nurse. First I couldn't imagine the day I would graduate nursing school (let alone college); now the prospect of being a real nurse is presently blowing my mind. I'm so thankful!

Back

I hurt my back trying to pick Danish up this weekend. Not sure what compelled me to do so, I think I was just being silly. You're not even trying, he said. I think I made the classic mistake of locking my knees and jerking my back. Needless to say, his 195lb frame did not budge while I keeled over in shock and pain.

I was told I can't just 'create' food and that the whole family would benefit from my following a recipe. The glutinous entity in the crock pot is my rendition of a rice casserole. It's really not that bad...add a little sriracha sauce, the chicken is quite flavorful, not bad at all. It's just that I made so much of it. I'm looking at the receipt from last night's grocery store trip: sandwich things, hot dogs, alfredo sauce, nectarines, frozen chicken, frozen pizzas, and tampons. Luckily my sister often picks things up from the store and also makes dinners a few times a week.

Back to studying and work!

My heart feels like it will explode with love

To make myself useful (and more importantly not a worthless dirtbag), I've picked up a part-time job helping out my friend Meredith. She works for a CPA company and my job will be to make a round of calls to various companies to ask what accounting software they use. It's a research call not a sales call, to my relief. I find this opportunity to be a God-send because apparently I've missed my jumping off point for my career as a nurse; the next graduate nurse internships won't be available until the fall. Not to worry, the Lord said to me. I am greatly enjoying this time off and Danish is more than capable of supporting the both of us while we wait for me to find a job. Even that I'm not worried about. I received this degree for a purpose, I'm certain it will be utilized...confidently for God's glory. It will be a gratifying moment when my ambition is realized.

In other news, Danish's co-worker gave birth to a little girl who is 6 weeks early. Hopefully her stay in the NICU will be short and sweet. This Saturday is Nicole and Jake's wedding, I'm so excited for them. And finally, Sunday is the last 4th of July we'll spend as a family before my parents take off for the mission field!

A great quote I found which may or may not relate to this post: Life isn't about being a "productive member of society" – it's about love, relationships, and community. I couldn't agree more.

Señor Feo

Lately, I've been having so much time on my hands. Yet, it still hasn't prompted me to write more, oh well. I finally finished writing my resume (all one page of it) and am having a few folks proof-read it for me. Next up, cover letter then applying for a job. I have to admit I'm terrified as I've never had a real job before. I mean tutoring is a job, but it hasn't always felt legit or anything.

Today is my mom's birthday! I'm taking the family out to an early dinner at Brio, which has a food happy hour between 4-7pm and the food is sooo good and only $2.95 per plate. We're also combining her birthday with the celebration of Father's Day, which I spent with the in-laws. This will be yet another great opportunity to spend time with my parents before they leave and I'm very much looking forward to it. Next shindig, 4th of July cookout!

Danish has been bombarded with tragic events at work involving the residents at the homeless shelter, and it's taken more of a toll on him than usual. He would try to tell me what it's been like recently, but I can sense how difficult it is for him to relay his emotions as he had experienced them when the events occurred. I feel horrible for the people who are less fortunate than we are - we don't have much, but it's so much compared to them and I am compelled to be utterly thankful to God everyday. This also brings me to acknowledge the hard work Danish puts forth everyday to help others as well as support us. I think I need to try harder to remember that even when it's gets lonely and I feel neglected. I couldn't do his job nor meet the expectations of a man; girls have it easier in life, I think...at least I do compared to others. Most of my problems are a result of my own actions/inactions and originate from my head rather than outside circumstances.

Speaking of heads, I finally got a haircut! It's been 6 months. My new hair dresser isn't as talented as Rachel, but I can't complain too much since it only costed me $25. However, I did do something stupid once I came home. I looked in the mirror and thought my bangs looked uneven, so I CUT it! They weren't uneven. "It'll grow!" my sister consoled. Yes, it'll grow...unevenly.

I know you can speak. So say it, say you love me.

A quick update: I am drinking Southern Comfort and pomegranate juice, boiling chicken because I have no time to thaw it before 'attempting' to cook penne rigate with chicken, and waiting for Danish to come home so we can eat and watch Mystic River on DVD.

I had a productive day, I think, and today was my first official day as a 25-year-old. How does it feel? you ask. Well, I'm still unemployed, in bad need of a haircut, and very much in love with life - so...pretty good, I should say!

---This just in, I'm making quite a mess in the kitchen...there's pasta sauce everywhere!

Labor detail

So you ask, "Grace, how are you? What have you been up to?" and I will proceed to answer with much gusto. Firstly, I graduated from nursing school! Glorious! I never thought I would see the day when I would become a college graduate. Secondly, Danish has also completed his first semester of grad school...with all A's! I'm so proud of him. Thirdly, my parents are leaving as missionaries to Indonesia in September! Now that both my sister and I have graduated college, God has opened the door for them to return to their beloved Indonesia where I spent 10 years of my life growing up. They are incredibly happy and excited and are in the process of getting their affairs in order before leaving. Finally, Danish and I have completed our Sacred Marriage counseling session. We have learned so much from our group and I am so thankful to the Lord for such an opportunity.

Since school has been out, I have been trying to knock out my 'labor detail' days before Danish takes off work for vacation. I think I may have mentioned here and there, in minute detail, of getting into trouble with the law. As punishment, I am required to work 10 days for the city of Fort Worth. Jobs I've accomplished: cleaning a mean toilet, waiting patiently for time to pass, avoiding eye contact with creepy men, washing squad cars, and following orders promptly even when I don't understand exactly what the correction officer said. I have three more days left and some meaningful things I have gained from this experience include really learning my lesson, and becoming more aware of how so many people are in need of God's love. I feel guilty saying this, but the folks who come to labor detail look as if they have come straight out the woods. Most of them are older, working-class men and women, some with missing teeth, weathered skin, and horrible smoking habits. I am the only one with a college degree out of the people I have met so far. People lead such hard lives...some people don't even realize how hard they make it on themselves. Success carries a different meaning to them: being a crane operator means you have a good job; having a man to whom you're not married to but who will take care of your kids from a previous relationship means security; partying until you drop means you're leading the good life. I guess what I'm trying to say about God's love is that it really is for everyone - I mean, I'm there. It just made me sad to hear each person's story, especially the ones who boasted about why they were there and clearly did not learn their lesson. But I understand the necessity to be around these folks because it is a reminder of what I am - a sinner in need of grace. I am not better than they are for having a college degree, etc. nor am I worthier to get into heaven. It's funny how God turns even our mistakes into revelations. Nevertheless, I'm excited to finish next week and move on with my life! Of course I'd be wise to learn my lessons quickly instead of learning the hard way.

I love truth

How does one die to oneself? It's a mechanical phrase to say as a Christian, but I don't think I comprehend the meaning of it. Cindy, who leads our Sacred Marriage group with her husband Ron, read to us a quote on love:

Love is the commitment of my will to your needs and best interest regardless of the cost.

It's a real shame not to be able to put into action something that sounds as lovely and poignant as this. Jesus commands us to love one another and to be humble, gentle, and patient. I am thinking I just don't see the opportunity even when it arises.

Stop, think, act.

I keep hoping to feel utter remorse for this incapability of dying to myself as I write this, but I think it's gotten pass the point of sappy emotions. This knowledge demands a change in thought and attitude. Feelings are fleeting; I have to act on determination. My actions have been a result of whatever overwhelming commotion courses through my veins; it's caused nothing but trouble! It certainly would be amazing if I could channel that sort of passion into loving my fellow men, my brothers and sisters in Christ.

Le sigh. Strong mind.