I'm here

And it's just the beginning but maybe I'll make it after all. I miss the Texas heat, the laughter of my friends, the comfort of familiarity. But this place seems to quietly beckon me in subtle ways. We sat out in the backyard at dusk, with the dogs and the baby and the fireflies, and a sense of peace came over me. I can't explain it - no one can. But I know deep inside our love for one another will prevail, and most importantly God's love for both of us will prevail and we're going to make it. 

Life's difficulties, it's all a test...to refine us, to sanctify us, to prepare us for eternity. It's a blessing to have them and overcome them with the power of God alone so all glory goes to Him. I'm not there yet. Neither of us are. We have our weaknesses, sin's seductive embrace seems too much to resist...hoping to practice the fear of The Lord...and to understand more of His mercy and love. 

Amnesia of the heart

God desires for us to come to Him with everything. He being our Creator knows us intimately, even more so than we know ourselves. These words are found in the Bible. What keeps me from drawing closer to Him is not only the shame of my shortcomings but a general laziness and unwillingness to obey. I wish God would deliver me from troubles without any effort on my part. And the reality is He has on so many occasions! I have amnesia of any and all good things in my life. Exasperated sigh. 

The instructions of the Lord are perfect, reviving the soul. The decrees of the Lord are trustworthy, making wise the simple. The commandments of the Lord are right, bringing joy to the heart. The commands of the Lord are clear, giving insight for living. Reverence for the Lord is pure, lasting forever. The laws of the Lord are true; each one is fair. They are more desirable than gold, even the finest gold. They are sweeter than honey, even honey dripping from the comb. They are a warning to your servant, a great reward for those who obey them. How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart? Cleanse me from these hidden faults. Keep your servant from deliberate sins! Don’t let them control me. Then I will be free of guilt and innocent of great sin. May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer. (Psalms 19:7-14 NLT)

Fart in the wind

Come now, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit"— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, "If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that." (James 4:13-15 ESV)

Lord, if it is in Your will give me the wisdom and ability to be joyful.

Path of stones

Sadly I FEEL as though God continues to test me without allowing rest. I know He provides rest and blah blah blah. When things seem to gradually fall into place...I am made to suffer yet another long journey of faith. My negative attitude paints my life into a dreary picture of sorrow instead of a bright, hopeful piece of art reflecting the Artist. The carving of my character is painful...no one can tell me otherwise because it's my pain to bear. What may be a mild honing for others is a mauling for me. It's just my temperament...I can't change that.

Now I'm definitely not stating that these tests of faith are unnecessary...they are absolutely necessary to prepare me for eternity. God loves me so greatly that He continues to refine me so that I can partake in His glory. But how much more whittling down can I take? Will I only become a mere sliver of myself, "Christ-like" in all other ways? Clearly I am having identity issues...if I am a child of God yet we are to be Christ-like, is my very own nature garbage? Is my entire nature sinful garbage? I should desire to be Christ-like so I what am I holding onto? My identity should be in Christ...but I guess I am still blinded to what that may be.

Hence my dragging feet into the next paved road of blessings I am unwilling to discover. I have bathed in blessings after a long, arduous journey...but my memory fails me. All I can do is to pray for those marvelous, fine memories of redemption to cut me as sharply and deeply as do the painful and sad ones.

Lord, allow me the ability to provide security, joy, and laughter to my little one. Deliver me from loneliness and despair. Teach me to trust in Your goodness as I walk into the unknown. I have no one but You to hold onto. Grant me the strength to hold on...

Motivation

This is a very well known concept: anything that is worth it requires work. A relationship with Jesus, marriage, family, a cozy home, a nice body, financial security. Did I list my priorities just now? You better believe I went back and added that first one onto the list. At any rate, are humans the only entity in the universe that lose motivation and crumble and decay? And the mass suicide of lemmings does not count since it's a misconception of their migratory behavior (just looked it up). Even if it wasn't, active suicide seems more motivational than passive decay.

I am sure somewhere in nature, there is an example of lack of motivation. However, the problem specifically lies in me and I need help cultivating motivation. Okay, now I've lost motivation to even complete this entry! I realize the work that is required for above mentioned list is gainful/rewarding/giving a return. Is it because I am unable to get a taste or see a glimpse of the result? Is that reality to first be able to taste and see before conjuring up the motivation to reach the goal? Were we supposed to have tasted/seen a glimpse of heaven to know that we have something wonderful to look forward to? I must have missed the presentation on that. Or another loony idea is that we have to trust in the potential - believe in the unseen/intangible product of our work to motivate us. What an unsavory negative attitude I have, it's admittedly sickening.

Sure, the journey is what's important, not the end result...but again it's the motivation to continue the journey that is floundering. I feel dim. When instead I wish to "shine bright like a diamond" LOL. The end.

Test

I've been slacking in my writing. I think I ought to write more...even when I don't have to desire to. The lack of desire stems from the fear of sounding inarticulate and retarded because I can't seem to find the perfect, eloquent words to describe my thoughts and feelings. A legitimate fear for a writer, I think, but nevertheless I should write. For the sake of writing. For the sake of hobbies/interests/anything that could add substance to my person.

I have recently become open to the prospect of moving out of Texas. This in itself was a journey I will write about another time. I was hopeful that once I opened myself up, God will immediately open a door for us and we would be on our merry way to happily ever after. Yet we are still in the here, nothing has changed. Not even a puff of wind to turn a single leaf. I'm not distressed by any means, but I may be slightly disheartened. I know God is working even when we don't see anything happen with our naked eye. I know He is moving His hand over us and all those connected to us to unfold an outcome that will display His sovereignty. I know He is wise and can skillfully place each piece of our Rubik's cube lives in the exact place He wills in order for His glory to be shown. Why would I try and get in the way of that?

Because I'm impatient and a control freak. I'm fearful that this could be forever, that we won't get to have a happily ever. I'm being facetious about "happily ever" but to be honest I would be happy if we could just move out of my parents' home and into a home of our own. Then there are those connected to us - my parents, my younger brother...whichever direction our Rubik's cube piece moves, their pieces will move as well...and only God knows and will place them in the right place. This is the reason we are in a waiting period...His hand IS moving even though we cannot see it.

I think what I'm doing is called having faith...at least that is what I've learned so far in life. At least that is how I'm coping with this. I've opened myself up to moving, now if I could open myself up to praying that as we wait for The Lord He will supply us with joy. Because whatever the outcome is with this situation, His glory will shine. Praise God. I want so much to share in that joy.

Someday somehow, this will all make sense...why I had to go through the fire. I believe the Lord is good and His plans for me are good and not harmful. I won't be able to enjoy what He has in store for me in the next chapter of my life unless I endured the gruesome hardships in this one. I love my husband and have done everything I can to bring him back home, but the Lord has a different idea. I fully trust Him to know what's best for me and Hannah, and I will remain faithful and hopeful.

Faith

That night Jacob got up and took his two wives, his two female servants and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. After he had sent them across the stream, he sent over all his possessions. So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak." But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me." The man asked him, "What is your name?" "Jacob," he answered. Then the man said, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome." Jacob said, "Please tell me your name." But he replied, "Why do you ask my name?" Then he blessed him there. (Genesis 32:22-29 NIV)

A great while before day, Jacob being alone, more fully spread his fears before God in prayer. While thus employed, One in the likeness of a man wrestled with him. When the spirit helpeth our infirmities, and our earnest and vast desires can scarcely find words to utter them, and we still mean more than we can express, then prayer is indeed wrestling with God. However tried or discouraged, we shall prevail; and prevailing with Him in prayer, we shall prevail against all enemies that strive with us. Nothing requires more vigour and unceasing exertion than wrestling. It is an emblem of the true spirit of faith and prayer. Jacob kept his ground; though the struggle continued long, this did not shake his faith, nor silence his prayer. He will have a blessing, and had rather have all his bone put out of joint than go away without one. Those who would have the blessing of Christ, must resolve to take no denial. The fervent prayer is the effectual prayer. The Angel puts a lasting mark of honour upon him, by changing his name. Jacob signifies a supplanter. From henceforth he shall be celebrated, not for craft and artful management, but for true valour. Thou shalt be called Israel, a prince with God, a name greater than those of the great men of the earth. He is a prince indeed that is a prince with God; those are truly honourable that are mighty in prayer. Having power with God, he shall have power with men too; he shall prevail, and gain Esau's favour. Jacob gives a new name to the place. He calls it Peniel, the face of God, because there he had seen the appearance of God, and obtained the favour of God. It becomes those whom God honours, to admire his grace towards them. The Angel who wrestled with Jacob was the second Person in the sacred Trinity, who was afterwards God manifest in the flesh, and who, dwelling in human nature, is called Immanuel, Ho 12:4, 5. Jacob halted on his thigh. It might serve to keep him from being lifted up with the abundance of the revelations. The sun rose on Jacob: it is sun-rise with that soul, which has had communion with God.

(Genesis 32 - Matthew Henry's Concise Commentary on the Bible)

Amazing wisdom and encouragement from God's Word!

For Hannah and her children

This will be my reward:

But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children's children - with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts. (Psalm 103:17, 18 NIV)