Fart in the wind

Come now, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit"— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, "If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that." (James 4:13-15 ESV)

Lord, if it is in Your will give me the wisdom and ability to be joyful.

Freak

I am a freak. I seem to have frequent bouts of amnesia and completely forget all the effort Danish puts toward our marriage - mainly the love language he speaks to me. How wonderful would it be if my brain had selective amnesia and I could forget the details of the affair. To be honest, I'm not sure why I'm more pissed at fucking bitch Tressie than I am with Danish. It would be easier if I were upset with Danish since he is doing everything he can to alleviate and remedy the situation. He is just trying to live his life! She is just trying to live her life! Everyone has moved on...why can't I? This has been a traumatizing ordeal and my confidence has been violently shaken...I don't know if I can recover from this. I've asked to be bombarded with affection but it's impossible for him to do - for anyone to do. I just don't feel loved enough! I will always believe he cared about her more than he cares about me. It's selfish of me to ask more of him as he is giving all that he can. I know he is giving all that he can and he is doing so well...but I wonder if he's sincere and if he's holding back or not. I unfortunately cannot read his mind and apparently he is not a man of words (although for her there were plenty). I am an idiot, a freak. I hate myself with a passion.

Danish, my accuser/my encourager

But you, Sovereign Lord,
help me for your name's sake;
out of the goodness of your love, deliver me.
For I am poor and needy,
and my heart is wounded within me.
I fade away like an evening shadow;
I am shaken off like a locust.
My knees give way from fasting;
my body is thin and gaunt.
I am an object of scorn to my accusers;
when they see me, they shake their heads.
Help me, Lord my God;
save me according to your unfailing love. (Psalm 109:21-26 NIV)

Heart of stone

It appears my state of emotional well-being remains in the crippled condition as it was one year ago...I think it's nigh time to seek professional help.