Labor detail

So you ask, "Grace, how are you? What have you been up to?" and I will proceed to answer with much gusto. Firstly, I graduated from nursing school! Glorious! I never thought I would see the day when I would become a college graduate. Secondly, Danish has also completed his first semester of grad school...with all A's! I'm so proud of him. Thirdly, my parents are leaving as missionaries to Indonesia in September! Now that both my sister and I have graduated college, God has opened the door for them to return to their beloved Indonesia where I spent 10 years of my life growing up. They are incredibly happy and excited and are in the process of getting their affairs in order before leaving. Finally, Danish and I have completed our Sacred Marriage counseling session. We have learned so much from our group and I am so thankful to the Lord for such an opportunity.

Since school has been out, I have been trying to knock out my 'labor detail' days before Danish takes off work for vacation. I think I may have mentioned here and there, in minute detail, of getting into trouble with the law. As punishment, I am required to work 10 days for the city of Fort Worth. Jobs I've accomplished: cleaning a mean toilet, waiting patiently for time to pass, avoiding eye contact with creepy men, washing squad cars, and following orders promptly even when I don't understand exactly what the correction officer said. I have three more days left and some meaningful things I have gained from this experience include really learning my lesson, and becoming more aware of how so many people are in need of God's love. I feel guilty saying this, but the folks who come to labor detail look as if they have come straight out the woods. Most of them are older, working-class men and women, some with missing teeth, weathered skin, and horrible smoking habits. I am the only one with a college degree out of the people I have met so far. People lead such hard lives...some people don't even realize how hard they make it on themselves. Success carries a different meaning to them: being a crane operator means you have a good job; having a man to whom you're not married to but who will take care of your kids from a previous relationship means security; partying until you drop means you're leading the good life. I guess what I'm trying to say about God's love is that it really is for everyone - I mean, I'm there. It just made me sad to hear each person's story, especially the ones who boasted about why they were there and clearly did not learn their lesson. But I understand the necessity to be around these folks because it is a reminder of what I am - a sinner in need of grace. I am not better than they are for having a college degree, etc. nor am I worthier to get into heaven. It's funny how God turns even our mistakes into revelations. Nevertheless, I'm excited to finish next week and move on with my life! Of course I'd be wise to learn my lessons quickly instead of learning the hard way.

Finally

Peace and tacos

I am still studying! That is all.

Camera

I'm sad my camera broke. But Danish promised to buy me a new one when I pass the HESI. I think I'll stick with Canon and get the PowerShot SD1200 IS, which is an upgrade from the one I had before. Also, I am giving up drinking and socializing for the next three weeks.

Be joyful always

Regardless of Monday's disappointments, I had a very good week. Tuesday, Julie and I met up with Nate and Megan T. for lunch at Cafe Malaga, a Spanish/Mediterranean restaurant which made my heart melt with it's mouth-watering menu. I had the Spanish Azul Burger and a couple bites of the Bravas Chicken Sandwich. Ridiculous. After filling our little bellies and listening to Nate's hilarious stories, we went and watched Alice in Wonderland. I enjoyed it, but I enjoyed the company and the relaxed mood I was in even more. Afterward, I proceeded to take Julie back home. However, we got stuck in the HOV lane which had the upright poles. I was too chicken to drive over them, knowing it would probably damage my car, so we were forced to drive all the way to Dallas. Since we were already there, I thought we might as well do a little shopping. It was so much fun! Julie and I ate again at McCormick and Schmick's which had a happy hour we couldn't pass up. The day's events were a much needed stress-reliever, and even my losing another tutoring client later that day didn't bother me too much. I sense I'm being protected by these friends and family members in my life that I feel confident that the consistent failures I make don't mark my worth. As long as I don't grow careless or apathetic and continue to put forth my greatest effort, I will be okay! I am beginning to understand the concept of choosing to be joyful...

I received congratulatory flowers from my in-laws for passing the HESI exam. Sadly it was a false alarm and it was embarrassing for me to break the news to them. I find it interesting that I am appreciating them more and more as time passes. I call them 'Mom' and 'Dad' and we say I love you to each other...it's weird, but I like it.

Danish had the day off today which pleased me greatly. Knowing he is getting a little break makes me feel better. He works so hard! We had a yummy lunch, went to guitar center, and rode our bikes to the dog park with Tank. Tonight, we're meeting some friends at McKinney square. Then it's another whole day with him tomorrow! If the weather permits, we may go to the Botanical Garden in Fort Worth.

Bee's knees

The much anticipated HESI exam is finally over! Unfortunately, I did not pass. To make it worse, I almost passed. To make it even worse, apparently I have hidden anxieties which interfere with my test taking... and life. To top it off, I walked back to my car with my head down, playing the Charlie Brown tune in my head only to find a parking ticket wedged under the windshield wiper. I had put enough change in the meter for 3 hours, but the test took me 5. Anyway, I'm scheduled to take the second exam April 23, about three weeks from now. Fortunately I've completed all my clinical hours so that gives me ample time and energy to dominate this test. Danielle said some people just have good luck. That may be true, but I won't let luck determine whether I pass or not...I will pass! That's the right attitude, right?

In other news, I have the most supportive family and friends. I am SO blessed to have them in my life! They are a safe haven.

Rien ne pèse tant que un secret

I've taken Midol and the caffeine in it is making my heart race. In other news, I hope I pass the HESI this Monday. Now for some random pictures:

I miss Tank

I think I'm beginning to enjoy my 12-hour clinicals, which is a huge relief. Not only that, I will be done with all of them before spring break. This will give me ample time to study and recover from the series of poor grades I've been making on these recent tests.

In other news, I'm in love with my husband. Something I've learned from the second counseling meeting is that I can't look to Danish to fulfill my emptiness; only God can do that. But by being married, it is a constant struggle to die to myself and be more Christ-like. It's been good and I can see how this will be an interesting journey.

I am not a glutton

I can't believe I'm admitting this, but today I ate so much that I vomited! I've been gorging since Friday...

We had lunch with my life group yesterday. Our pastor and his wife opened up their home and catered Babe's! Pastor Sam even played a beautiful song for us on his guitar. It was a very memorable time. We came home and napped for a few hours before going to Danish's parents' for dinner - pork tenderloin with green apple salsa and a delicious salad that had cilantro, mango, and fish oil dressing. Then I spent a few hours working on a 10-page paper which I finished earlier today. I procrastinate till the last moment before it is due.

I have three 12-hour clinicals this week starting tomorrow. I wanted to go to Danish's ultimate frisbee game tonight, but my body wasn't feeling well after vomiting for about 10 minutes straight. So I'm laying in bed watching episodes of Futurama and fighting the urge to eat more food.

Finger print

I love going to shows. Danish has another one this Saturday at the Cavern with our friends émic and their friends Fizzy Dino Pop. I dance like an idiot to this last band.

We watched The Talented Mr. Ripley last night. It depicts the main character's struggle to compensate feelings of inferiority which leads to a life of lies, ultimately leaving him even lonelier than before. It was scene after intense scene, and I think Matt Damon is a really good actor. He does a successful job in being super creepy. I have this movie listed as one of my favorites!

Anyway, I'm working on a paper and a few article summaries today. I hope I get everything done so I can treat myself to happy hour with Diana tonight.

German beer

I have three days off including today. I feel strange and anxious because I've never had so many days off like this before. Of course it's all because I didn't call my preceptor over the weekend to schedule my clinical. I have a feeling she works weekends...that may be a good thing for me. My very important exit exam, the HESI, is on March 29 after spring break, and I've got to nail my butt down to a chair and study for it. I've never been good with time management and so this is an issue. I guess this week I can try to make an appointment with my school therapist. I need to get a lot of bottled up shit out...I'm only going because it's free. At least the first six sessions are.

By the way, I totally lied on my drugs and alcohol evaluation. I probably do need the counseling.

Fuck

Apparently we are expected to do everything independently this semester after having had rigid schedules and restrictions all throughout nursing school. Time management and a go-get-'em attitude - I am totally and utterly boned.

Yoke

Hi, how are you Blog? This semester has started off as rough and bumpy as it ended last year. As much as I hate "taking care of business" I know it has to be done. What's discouraging is that a lot of it requires patience as it can't be accomplished instantaneously. I feel burdened. I wonder what it would feel like to lose a ton of weight...like on those billboards and magazine advertisements where some fatty loses 100 pounds and their lives are changed forever. It must be refreshing to lose that burden.

My lovely friend Angie got married at the courthouse this past weekend! She is planning a destination wedding in Mexico later this year. She went ahead and legally got married since the marriage in Mexico won't be recognized here. I'm so happy for her. I mean, it's weird too. Growing up. Not to mention I feel concerned for the rest of my friends who seem anxious for their turn. Should I not feel that way? I think it's a subconscious thing...nevertheless, I'm praying for Meagan who told me she doesn't even know what she wants in a man; she just expects every guy she dates to magically become Mr. Right. It's important to have expectations and really tell God about them because He listens.

Danish has no time for me. He works full-time, is in grad school, has band practice, and now he has signed up for an ultimate frisbee team. It makes me sad because the only time I see him is for about an hour right before we both pass out for the night. I say I need to learn how to cook, but I don't even have the opportunity to cook for him since he's never around. Speaking of which, I gave steak another chance. This time I marinated it in some herb mixture, wrapped it in aluminum foil, and tossed it in the oven to bake! The results were that it turned out with more of a brisket texture instead of steak, but it tasted pretty decent. I find it interesting how these meats just shrink in the oven...what am I doing wrong? They just shrink up; they're almost half the size of the original, uncooked meat.

Today I go to Denton to make another school ID and get my second TB test because I forgot to get mine read last week. Freaking waste. Because of this immunization delay, I can't participate in today's hospital orientation and must make up those hours in clinicals, which is fine. I figure I will need those extra hours anyway for the experience. Can you believe I'll be graduating this May? I'll be entering the work force and making money. It's very surreal to me. I know that all this "business" I'm having to deal with will make it that much more worth it in the end. I know that's why I have this burden, I know that it's given to me so I can just give it up to God, I know that it's all a test to show my faith, I know that this will all pass, I know I'll be a better person for it. I know! Jesus says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." That is nice.

Speeding tickets and name changes

I finally changed my name today. Thank you cards...still in the works. I signed up for NCLEX tutorials next week - blah! I figure I really need the extra help since I failed my HESI exams last semester. I'm really glad for the support Danish gives me as he encouraged me to sign up even though it was a whopping $350 for the 4 sessions. I wish this winter break would never end.

So my parents are leaving the country to go back into the mission field this summer. My dad was forced to leave his job, but fortunately God's perfect timing brought two little angels from Korea to stay at my parents house for the next several months. Koreans are really adamant about their children learning English at a young age and believe exposing them to the language early on will increase their chances of fluency when they are older. Generally you have to be wealthy to send your little ones abroad. It really is a blessing because not only does it make up for my dad not working, but it has really livened up the house. I was concerned for my mom feeling lonely since I no longer live there, but these two girls have brought her so much joy! Their names are Sarina and Kate, second and fourth grade.

I see Meagan tonight and it seems she is no longer dating that guy from eHarmony. I told her in full detail about the type of guy I see her with, but where is he? It's not that I want to feel bad for her, but I see that she wants to be with someone. I mean, she blatantly told me how jealous she was that I got married. Jana on the other hand expresses no urgency in settling down; she's happy as a clam being single. She says God-willing she will be with someone, just that it isn't the time yet. That is a pretty sweet attitude.

In other terrible news, the wedding photographer stated that she is only going to edit 40 out of 2000 pictures with no prints. I'm not sure if she finally said she would print the 40 free of charge, but regardless I'm pretty disappointed.

Smile like you mean it

Lately I've been at a loss for words. I type and delete. Then give up altogether. This barrage of inappropriate thoughts and emotions has rendered me futile in self-expression. It's like a fever; the temperature runs too high for normal body function. Yes, the wedding is next weekend. Regrettably, that is only the tip of the iceberg. I won't go into anymore detail for fear of boring you, but I've determined that my angst stems from my lack of healthy coping skills. Instead of turning to prayer and meditation (which I am aware would do me great benefit), I have been drinking much more excessively than usual. I lose a lot of respect in the process. For a while, I felt that perhaps I was getting cold feet of some nature. Although I'm already married, it hasn't quite felt official since my parents have insisted I stay home as much as possible until the wedding. I mean, I haven't even been able to share a bed with my own husband. Then the thought of going through the ritualistic torture called a wedding, leaving my dear parents and the house I grew up in, and moving in with a person whom I sometimes perceive as my greatest enemy...it's too much! Sure, such is life blah blah. Let me remind you I have the mental and emotional capacity of a 6-year-old. I live in my own little world of stability and disaster, an anomaly I can't even explain. So what am I facing here - is it a change towards stability or towards disaster? While I have been brooding over these uninteresting matters, I apparently 'forgot' to study for my practic HESI exams, thus failing them. Not to worry, they didn't count against me or anything. I'm utterly exasperated by my own feeble-mindedness. Get a freaking grip, right?

Off with your head

I'm going to make for a crappy nurse. It's so hard for me to sit down and study this stuff; therefore, I must be indifferent to the care of a critically ill patient. What do I care about? On a random note, I was driving in the rain the other night and noticed the reflection of the traffic light on the wet streets. The rain drops bouncing off the road made it look all sparkly. I thought to myself, so this was what Karen O must have seen one rainy night to write those lyrics in the song "Heads Will Roll." It really did look like glitter on the wet streets. And silver over everything. I'm not sure what the actual song is about, but it's really hyper and dancey. Maybe seeing the rain on the street when she was out one night with Brian and Nick made her feel jittery and pumped about life. Sometimes I get that way. I like her. If I knew her in real life, we probably wouldn't be friends. Or maybe we'd be best friends.

Smoke detector

I just set it off when I turned on the heat - I am freezing my tush in the apartment! Now it smells of smoke and my head hurts from the piercing alarm which I managed to finally shut off after a frantic effort. It appears wedding plans are wrapping up. The big day is only two weeks away! However, in those two weeks leading up to it, I have five exams left. FIVE. I have to be thankful, though; I've made it this far, with grace, meaning I can end strong. Meaning I should probably go study now.

The pains of being pure at heart

What a great band name. They also play great music. I managed to barely pass today's exam after agonizingly going over the notes the night before with a hangover that left me with no recollection of how I got home Saturday night. Way to go, me. On the bright side, the bridal shower was incredible. My very dear friend Miranda insisted on hosting one at her house, and I was most grateful. I felt so lucky to be amongst my closest friends who so genuinely celebrated my getting married. Pictures will ensue.

Another good friend of mine, Meagan, left for the Phillipines today to manage a company branch that has been outsourced. For several months she mulled over whether or not she was willing to put herself in a completely different world outside of "home." I told her it was a good idea; it was always good to have some culture. Her main concern revolved around the conveniences that she believed would not be at her disposal (such as food, hygiene products, and television). I smiled to myself when she expressed her sore disdain for the third world country. But I can understand exactly where she's coming from (television and all!), which is the sad part. I just think it's unfortunate that we get so caught up in our little bubble with our comforts, conveniences, and safety nets. That is so human of us! It was a lesson for myself seeing as I'm the greatest culprit of them all...I sound my trumpet of Jesus and His saving grace, yet I'm too much of a weenie to step out of my bubble and live like Jesus did. I'm interested in God's plan for Meagan. I know God has a hold on her and I'm curious to see how she will react - I'm praying it will be a step towards finding Him! I know God puts us in uncomfortable places sometimes to open our eyes to new experiences which mature us.

I want to mature.

Parking violation

I have no time for anything anymore.