Motivation

This is a very well known concept: anything that is worth it requires work. A relationship with Jesus, marriage, family, a cozy home, a nice body, financial security. Did I list my priorities just now? You better believe I went back and added that first one onto the list. At any rate, are humans the only entity in the universe that lose motivation and crumble and decay? And the mass suicide of lemmings does not count since it's a misconception of their migratory behavior (just looked it up). Even if it wasn't, active suicide seems more motivational than passive decay.

I am sure somewhere in nature, there is an example of lack of motivation. However, the problem specifically lies in me and I need help cultivating motivation. Okay, now I've lost motivation to even complete this entry! I realize the work that is required for above mentioned list is gainful/rewarding/giving a return. Is it because I am unable to get a taste or see a glimpse of the result? Is that reality to first be able to taste and see before conjuring up the motivation to reach the goal? Were we supposed to have tasted/seen a glimpse of heaven to know that we have something wonderful to look forward to? I must have missed the presentation on that. Or another loony idea is that we have to trust in the potential - believe in the unseen/intangible product of our work to motivate us. What an unsavory negative attitude I have, it's admittedly sickening.

Sure, the journey is what's important, not the end result...but again it's the motivation to continue the journey that is floundering. I feel dim. When instead I wish to "shine bright like a diamond" LOL. The end.

Good times

I think I know how to live in the moment. I don't dwell on the past or worry about the future. Not as much as I think I do...when I'm alone, my thoughts are relatively simple and calm. I think about how adorable Hannah is. I think about the next thing I might eat in order to not gain weight. I think about Danish of course. I think about my parents and what they could possibly be doing at that time. I think about what I will do that day to interest Hannah. I think about how blessed I am. I think about thinking and how not a lot bothers me much these days. Hm...I think that's good. Good times.

Test

I've been slacking in my writing. I think I ought to write more...even when I don't have to desire to. The lack of desire stems from the fear of sounding inarticulate and retarded because I can't seem to find the perfect, eloquent words to describe my thoughts and feelings. A legitimate fear for a writer, I think, but nevertheless I should write. For the sake of writing. For the sake of hobbies/interests/anything that could add substance to my person.

I have recently become open to the prospect of moving out of Texas. This in itself was a journey I will write about another time. I was hopeful that once I opened myself up, God will immediately open a door for us and we would be on our merry way to happily ever after. Yet we are still in the here, nothing has changed. Not even a puff of wind to turn a single leaf. I'm not distressed by any means, but I may be slightly disheartened. I know God is working even when we don't see anything happen with our naked eye. I know He is moving His hand over us and all those connected to us to unfold an outcome that will display His sovereignty. I know He is wise and can skillfully place each piece of our Rubik's cube lives in the exact place He wills in order for His glory to be shown. Why would I try and get in the way of that?

Because I'm impatient and a control freak. I'm fearful that this could be forever, that we won't get to have a happily ever. I'm being facetious about "happily ever" but to be honest I would be happy if we could just move out of my parents' home and into a home of our own. Then there are those connected to us - my parents, my younger brother...whichever direction our Rubik's cube piece moves, their pieces will move as well...and only God knows and will place them in the right place. This is the reason we are in a waiting period...His hand IS moving even though we cannot see it.

I think what I'm doing is called having faith...at least that is what I've learned so far in life. At least that is how I'm coping with this. I've opened myself up to moving, now if I could open myself up to praying that as we wait for The Lord He will supply us with joy. Because whatever the outcome is with this situation, His glory will shine. Praise God. I want so much to share in that joy.

Texas

I wonder what life would be like outside of this bubble. I probably would like it...but I don't want to. It probably would be exciting and fulfilling, but I'm just so desperate for safe and boring after all the raging calamities I have incurred.

Happy Valentine's Day

Collapsing was much softer
Still falling always hurt
Only after sensing love
For always ever burned

Justified my folly
My affluent disguise
Removed revealing nothing
Nothing unforgiven lies, unforgiven lies

And no one loves me like You
No one loves me the way You do
No one loves me like You
No one loves me the way, way that You do

Touch the rose unfearful is to meet the thorn
Pierce the heart's emotion
And feel the emptiness no more
Emptiness no more

No one loves me like You
No one loves me the way You do
No one loves me like You
No one loves me the way You do

Took some time
To realize I've fallen

No one loves me like the way You love me

The end

This is a morbid and disturbing thought, but I think the way I will end up dead is somehow I will be repugnantly drunk, rudely offend/hurt/humiliate those I love, fall down a flight of stairs (naked), and bleed my soul out of my crushed skull.

In other words, as much as I talk about suicide, my death will actually be a very horrible accident.

Toddler

I love this picture of Hannah...she's watching the water fountain and eating a sample chocolate cookie. Good times at the mall in the middle of the week.