The Lounge performance

Bored

Sometimes when I'm home alone, I walk into the closet and press my face against all of Danish's clothes on the hangers and I just lean that way, drinking in his smell.

Emotional intelligence

Something I lack greatly in.

Whatever

So Danish and I begin our marriage counseling tomorrow at 6 at my friend Miranda's church. I don't know what to expect because the last marriage seminar Danish and I attended was FUCKING bogus. We just ate till our bellies were full of Uncle Julio's and listened dumbly to a couple who had a barrage of problems including infidelity but still managed to stay to together and have a "happy marriage." Fantastic. I resent Danish a lot. It's terrible for me to admit it here, in public. I try to make it seem we have a decent relationship, where we respect one another and love one another. However, that's not always the case...I am aware that marriage takes work...I could hate Danish, but that is no grounds for me to behave the way I have been. I've been extremely selfish lately...probably ever since we've been married; I haven't taken the marriage seriously. I am overwhelmed with guilt and confusion. Guilt because deep inside I know it's wrong; confusion because I'm not sure how I'm supposed to behave! So many people have already told me how it will be a struggle the first 5 years...correction, the first 10 years. That seems ridiculous to me; why get married in the first place?! These are all questions I don't have the answer to, and I hope to have some rational ideas post-marriage counseling. I suppose I just have to approach this with a mature attitude and understand that even if the counseling is unsuccessful, Danish and I will at least take away a lesson or two from it. That's the mature thing to do, right?

I am not a glutton

I can't believe I'm admitting this, but today I ate so much that I vomited! I've been gorging since Friday...

We had lunch with my life group yesterday. Our pastor and his wife opened up their home and catered Babe's! Pastor Sam even played a beautiful song for us on his guitar. It was a very memorable time. We came home and napped for a few hours before going to Danish's parents' for dinner - pork tenderloin with green apple salsa and a delicious salad that had cilantro, mango, and fish oil dressing. Then I spent a few hours working on a 10-page paper which I finished earlier today. I procrastinate till the last moment before it is due.

I have three 12-hour clinicals this week starting tomorrow. I wanted to go to Danish's ultimate frisbee game tonight, but my body wasn't feeling well after vomiting for about 10 minutes straight. So I'm laying in bed watching episodes of Futurama and fighting the urge to eat more food.

Perfect

I wouldn't mind shriveling up and dying. I think I may find pleasure in it. Maybe even peace. My flesh drawing inward, limbs becoming mangled, twisted, contorted, slowly crushing my bones, coiling and writhing, shrinking and shrinking, bodily juices drying up, crackling and popping, with my still-beating heart being the last to burst under pressure.

Me

"And we think sometimes with our presence to please others, when we rather displease them through the evil manners and evil conditions that they see and consider to be in us."