Does it ever end?

NEVER!

Tyler

I'm going to Tyler, Texas today to see Don Miller speak for his book tour, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. I missed his appearance here in Dallas and Fort Worth. I don't know why I want to go. Perhaps it's that void I want to fill; perhaps I truly believe I need more inspiration. I'll be sure to write about the impression I get. It's sad to know I have every ounce of hope in that I would change after this event - even if it's the slightest change towards the better.

Unmotivated

I want to feel something other than emptiness. I want to feel remorse and to CONFESS my sins. Instead, I am apathetic and desensitized. I do not care about her, about him, about you, or about myself. I do not want to pursue anymore relationships; they are all meaningless. Everyone do their own things, I will do mine - let us not make any difference to one another, in one another.

Life

The heart asks pleasure first,
And then, excuse from pain;
And then, those little anodynes
That deaden suffering;

And then, to go to sleep;
And then, if it should be
The will of its Inquisitor,
The liberty to die.

-Emily Dickinson

Things & such

My mind is going a mile a minute! But congratulations to my wonderful husband on getting hired for his job today! I love you and I hope we make it after all.

Music

I've realized there is a lot of music out there that is popular amongst different groups, making them not so obscure after all. I wish I knew more people who had similar taste in music as I did. Especially girl friends, so I can go to shows with them and it wouldn't be inappropriate. It's great going to shows with Danish, but you know it can be fun going with other people, too. I love discovering new music, and what's even more pleasant is when I learn someone likes the same song as I do. Music is meant to be shared, I think. It's a common ground people can have. For example, on the day of one of my clinicals where I've mentioned emotions ran high, I was taken aback and humbled by music and life. We're required to talk to and get to know the patients on the psychiatric unit, most of whom have various forms of mental illnesses such as schizophrenia and psychosis. During a game of Dominoes, one patient who had been talking to himself during the game and behaving quite irratically suddenly said, "We should turn on the radio." We all agreed and he proceeded to tune to a station. He set it to an 80s rock station and "Come Sail Away" by the Styx came on. To my surprise, he stood there and started belting out the words to the song! His eyes were closed as if he were concentrating intently (I imagine) on how the song flowed through him; he nodded his head to the beat of the rocking chorus: A gathering of angels appeared above my head/They sang to me this song of hope, and this is what they said/They said come sail away, come sail away/Come sail away with me. Then from next to me, the timid, overweight patient who was admitted for attempted suicide quietly joined in, all the while not taking her eyes off her domino pieces. I couldn't believe it...I felt that although these patients were internally tormented on a daily basis and their minds were not "normal," at one point in their lives that song appealed to their liking and made them feel good inside...as any song could to an individual. This sounds incredibly hippie-ish, I was in awe of how music brings us humans on a similar plane, no matter what we're going through or where we've been in life.

Tigers love pepper...they hate cinnamon

I went to check out the venue in McKinney and the place was really nice. It's small and cozy with a gigantic stone fireplace, long windows, and a terrace that overlooks the golf course. Then Rachel took me to a wedding dress boutique called Circle Park Bridal where I tried on a few dresses that didn't fit me...or my budget. Luckily Rachel tells me she had bought a dress on a whim and is offering it to me as a gift! How generous...I've asked her several times how sure she was of just giving the dress to me. I'm currently working on finding a tailor who could alter the dress to my size. So far I have date, venue, food, dress, parting gifts, decorations, photographer, and bridesmaids down! I still have to work on flower arrangements and color coordination for bridemaid dresses and accents, shit like that. All I know for the bridesmaid dresses, I don't want them wearing the same thing or same color. Then there is also organizing a dinner for my parents and Danish's parents to meet, I guess the "rehearsal dinner" even if we're not having a rehearsal? Oh so stressful. I know I've hired a wedding planner, but there is so much more than just a wedding to plan for...GIFT registery. And wedding invitations, which I'm going to complete tomorrow afternoon. Heyo, almost done.

We brought down part of the backyard fence to rebuild a new one. It was a lot of manual labor...something my family always finds ourselves being apart of! I find it funny and endearing - my little family doing manual labor and working so hard and living life...I am so proud of my parents and my brother and sister. Also Danish's team, the Cincinnati Bengals, totally kicked ass in today's game against the Chicago Bears, 45-10. They seem to be having a good season. I have no idea why I'm writing about them, I'm so disinterested in football. But I find it hot that Danish is really into it, and it's nice that for once he's rooting for the underdog team that is doing well for themselves. We went and saw The Hangover at the dollar theater, which was vile yet decently funny. Oh, and last week's dinner with the girls went well. We ended up going to The Fish, and I have to say their bathroom is quite top notch - you walk down a short hallway of mirrors that compels you to dance down the length of to mandatory sushi restaurant techno music, and they have very modern, complicated sink faucets and pictures of half naked men on the walls. Sadly, I drank too much and had to be excused from clinical the next day due to my outrageous hangover, which my instructor suspected to be the flu. I'm so worthless, I spent the rest of the day in bed nursing myself back to health with ice water and Pepto Bismal.