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I hired a wedding planner who is the most energetic and capable person I would imagine in this field! We're checking out a venue in McKinney today and I pray it is everything I want. Then it's Steel for dinner with the girls, which is a pretty big deal considering it will be the first time I see all of them since the news. It's nice to have a day off from clinical, but instead of being able to thrash around in bed, I am busy with...life. I guess I should feel blessed. I am blessed. I just have a horrible attitude. But I'm working on it, with prayer since I can't do it on my own. Also, FYI I only had one glass of wine last night, instead of the whole bottle. Still managed to have a decent time on our double date with Gian and Bobbi. I was pleased with Danish picking out a Thai restaurant, that was considerate of him to do. As for the details of yesterday's clinical, I'll save it for later - so much happenings and emotions running high, it was a mess...I was a hot mess. Goodness, when does it end?

I have given up

On most things. I'm planning a wedding. I would be more excited about it if I wasn't so emotionally drained. I'm too depressed to write anything of substance. Just this, Love is wider than my need will ever be. God's love, that is. That is all.

If I make it at all

Scratch that, I'm not in the mood for music this week. Plus I don't think another local show will top last Friday's show at Hailey's...not for a while at least. I learned something interesting today about people with mania - their "normal" is on a different level than the rest of us, resulting in characteristics such as euphoria, grandiosity, and increased interest in goal-directed activities. I'm not sure if I have that kind of temperament, but I sure do feel like Danish is never on my level with anything. I always feel he is never as happy, sad, inspired, stressed, angry, or in love as much as I am. I can be a little over the top sometimes, taking things to the extreme; however, it makes me wonder if he has any feelings at all! The only feeling I can see in him is indifference, or at least that is what I interpret it as. Then I'll get mad and he'll say, "What did I do? I didn't even do anything!" Then we fight. Haha, not always. Anyway, if I can manage to channel my stress and frustration into studying, that would turn out perfectly. I have been finding it difficult to concentrate on anything lately. The weather makes me sleepy, planning makes me anxious, and Danish makes me crazy. "A husband is one who stands by you in troubles you wouldn't have had if you hadn't married him."

Dreams

Whenever I feel something is out of my control, I have painfully realistic dreams of my teeth falling out. Last night, I dreamt I was flossing and pulled a molar out. Other times, I would bite into a food item and a few teeth would become loose and eventually fall out; one bad one, all of them came loose and were crunching around in my mouth before I spit them out. I've noticed that it's when I'm completely hopeless that I have these teeth dreams. When I'm stressed, I dream the inside of my cheeks and lips sloughs off...

The birth of a baby boy

Happy birthday to my dear Danish. I've been a real jackass to him lately but I plan to make it up to him. I love him. I'm hoping to see True Widow and Vivian Girls this Thursday. And the apartment looks decent now; we don't live like Charlie anymore. I reactivated my Facebook and I can already tell it will ruin my life again. Blah blah. Et ceux qui ne font rien ne se trompent jamais. Take action! Be assertive! Love! Love!

Silver piles of smiles

I think I should read George Orwell's 1984 just because everyone else has. On a different subject, I'm craving authenticity and vulnerability...in others and in myself. I'm sad that we have become so desensitized to most things that matter. I'm tired of everyone else's indecisiveness and lack of direction. I'm tired of my bad attitude. Also as far as the previous post, I use the term "hippie" loosely and in reference to Southpark. It's just funny to rip on hippies like Cartman does. I don't have a personal vendetta against hippies. At lease not all of them.

Austin City Limits: Fail

Was it the weather, the company (Danish), or those damn hippies? No one will ever know, but ACL was one big disappointment. On Friday I was able to see Thievery Corporation, a little bit of Them Crooked Vultures, and of course the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. I was naturally blown away by Karen O, having seen her for the first time live. They released "eye balls" into the crowd, which exploded with confetti. And Karen is such a spectacular frontman. However, I realized I'm just not really into crowds, long lines, walking, portable shitters, body odor, pushing, hippies, or mud. Maybe I was never into those things and I tricked myself into thinking I did for the sake of being "cool" and "indie."

After the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, we roamed around 6th street looking for J Black's where Danish's cousin was waiting for us, stopped by a stand for a bratwurst with sauerkraut and onions then pizza, and finally arrived at J Black's only to realize it was a "club" with loud "booty" music, folks wearing fancy clothes, and no place to sit. At this point, I was tired and looking/smelling like a gross hippie myself so we politely excused ourselves and left for Brian's apartment. Had a great night sleep.

Saturday it rained. We went to mi Madre's for brunch: coffee and breakfast tacos/burritos. I met up with Molly and her boyfriend Jesse as well as Brian's new girlfriend, Kendra. Had a great time, fun conversation, and the food was so yummy. Danish and I decided to hang out with Brian a while longer before leaving for ACL, so we picked up some Shiner and went to his apartment club house. One crazy thing did happen while we were at the gas station picking up beer - a crazy/homeless woman followed Brian back to the car. She was so aggressive and following so close that when Brian got into the car and tried to close the door, he accidentally closed it on her head leaving her slightly dazed until she finally walked off. It was frightening, comical, and sad at the same time...although we did joke about it afterwards.

Brian dropped us off at the shuttle stop. We didn't have an umbrella, raincoats, boots, panchos, or even trash bags and goggles. I was so pissed at Danish. So basically we were there for about 2 hours getting soaked, listened to some ...And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead, danced around a bit, drank a beer I snuck in, then rode the bus back to where Brian picked us up. Gah! We cleaned up and went to eat at The County Line BBQ, which was pretty sweet. Packed our little bellies with brisket and ribs, said our good-byes to Brian, and headed back to Dallas. Unfortunately, we switched on and off between sleeping and arguing...the whole ride back.

I like Austin, especially all the fooooood places. And the trees there are nice. But it felt so good to be home. Hopefully I have a better road trip experience in the near future. OH! Actually I will be...come December! Visiting the in-laws in Louisville, Kentucky. Yippee!