I love you

I sincerely do...with everything I've got. I'm just experiencing a cloud that's strangely familiar, and I know for a fact that I need to get back on medicine for it to go away.

I digress

I used to be close to The Lord. How I've wandered in complacency during smooth waters and clear skies. I yearn for the passion and trust I had in Him...to be able to hide inside His wings when storms of anguish would pour upon me. Instead I take His name in vain and scoff at the luxuries I've been given...just like the Israelites. I need to return to dwelling on His Word so as to remember the countless times He has redeemed me...just like the Israelites. 

Swallowing my own venom

I bite my tongue and inject poison into my system. Its slow-eating, creeping effect is like acid erosion from the inside out. I try to maintain composure, smile and nod and even laugh occasionally.  I have to, I have no other choice. But even as I try, my ugly insides cannot remain clothed, encased. The festering is obvious and annoying. I'm a monster, infecting myself over and over again with the very poison I myself have created. The recycling of poison in my system manifests as the nagging, insatiable, tormentous wife who tears down hopes and dreams. I look on with dull, listless eyes to the earnestness and titillation springing forth from your shoulders; the me behind my face screams with shame and apology for the way I am, but it doesn't crack the exterior of detachment, dispassion, or disdain. I leave God to smite this wretched, vile soul of mine for there is nothing else left for Him to do. 

Not quite

Undeserving

God chose very well for me despite my unworthiness. Thank you Lord for my husband. 

"Daddy is mad"

I have no words to describe my disappointment. In myself, mostly. If I could keep myself as far away from him, maybe I won't remember the way back. Then going our separate ways won't feel so bad. Because the closer I try to get to him, the more painful the burn of rejection is. Sadly, he doesn't understand. Even this when he reads it, is nothing but trash. 

Nothing pisses me off more than realizing something that is common sense known by most intelligent people...

Explode

What is it that I am looking for? Why can't I find contentment in this? What is so wrong with me? 

I want someone to tell me I'm okay, that I'm normal. That my crazy isn't crazy. That I'm just a dreamer and its okay to feel dissatisfied sometimes. I want someone to tell me I don't have to feel guilty. I want someone to tell me they love me the way I am. That my abnormal is normal. That I'm just a romantic and it's okay to feel crummy sometimes. 

What is it that I am looking for? There's no such thing as a perfect rainbow. What's so wrong with me?

That perfect note. That perfect ocean. That perfect embrace. That perfect sentence. That person strum. That perfect heart. 

I want to be good. What's so wrong with me?

I'm sorry

I go from starry-eyed to crestfallen in zero to sixty. It's exhausting. 

Lesson

"Many people turn away from me when they are exhausted. They associate me with duty and diligence, so they try to hide from my presence when they need a break from work. How this saddens me! As I spoke through my prophet Isaiah: in returning to me and resting in me you shall be saved; in quiet and trust shall be your strength." - Jesus Calling

Turn towards Him, not away. Why a concept!

R-tard

I hope to God, Jesus, Buddha, Joseph Smith, Santa, the Spaghetti Monster in the Sky, whoever and whatever - that I don't fuck this up. Because he means so much to me. Oh, and more importantly, because it's time to grow the fuck up. 

“Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.”

- Fyodor Dostoevsky 

I'm here

And it's just the beginning but maybe I'll make it after all. I miss the Texas heat, the laughter of my friends, the comfort of familiarity. But this place seems to quietly beckon me in subtle ways. We sat out in the backyard at dusk, with the dogs and the baby and the fireflies, and a sense of peace came over me. I can't explain it - no one can. But I know deep inside our love for one another will prevail, and most importantly God's love for both of us will prevail and we're going to make it. 

Life's difficulties, it's all a test...to refine us, to sanctify us, to prepare us for eternity. It's a blessing to have them and overcome them with the power of God alone so all glory goes to Him. I'm not there yet. Neither of us are. We have our weaknesses, sin's seductive embrace seems too much to resist...hoping to practice the fear of The Lord...and to understand more of His mercy and love. 

Wet blanket

Amnesia of the heart

God desires for us to come to Him with everything. He being our Creator knows us intimately, even more so than we know ourselves. These words are found in the Bible. What keeps me from drawing closer to Him is not only the shame of my shortcomings but a general laziness and unwillingness to obey. I wish God would deliver me from troubles without any effort on my part. And the reality is He has on so many occasions! I have amnesia of any and all good things in my life. Exasperated sigh. 

The instructions of the Lord are perfect, reviving the soul. The decrees of the Lord are trustworthy, making wise the simple. The commandments of the Lord are right, bringing joy to the heart. The commands of the Lord are clear, giving insight for living. Reverence for the Lord is pure, lasting forever. The laws of the Lord are true; each one is fair. They are more desirable than gold, even the finest gold. They are sweeter than honey, even honey dripping from the comb. They are a warning to your servant, a great reward for those who obey them. How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart? Cleanse me from these hidden faults. Keep your servant from deliberate sins! Don’t let them control me. Then I will be free of guilt and innocent of great sin. May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer. (Psalms 19:7-14 NLT)

Fart in the wind

Come now, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit"— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, "If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that." (James 4:13-15 ESV)

Lord, if it is in Your will give me the wisdom and ability to be joyful.

Path of stones

Sadly I FEEL as though God continues to test me without allowing rest. I know He provides rest and blah blah blah. When things seem to gradually fall into place...I am made to suffer yet another long journey of faith. My negative attitude paints my life into a dreary picture of sorrow instead of a bright, hopeful piece of art reflecting the Artist. The carving of my character is painful...no one can tell me otherwise because it's my pain to bear. What may be a mild honing for others is a mauling for me. It's just my temperament...I can't change that.

Now I'm definitely not stating that these tests of faith are unnecessary...they are absolutely necessary to prepare me for eternity. God loves me so greatly that He continues to refine me so that I can partake in His glory. But how much more whittling down can I take? Will I only become a mere sliver of myself, "Christ-like" in all other ways? Clearly I am having identity issues...if I am a child of God yet we are to be Christ-like, is my very own nature garbage? Is my entire nature sinful garbage? I should desire to be Christ-like so I what am I holding onto? My identity should be in Christ...but I guess I am still blinded to what that may be.

Hence my dragging feet into the next paved road of blessings I am unwilling to discover. I have bathed in blessings after a long, arduous journey...but my memory fails me. All I can do is to pray for those marvelous, fine memories of redemption to cut me as sharply and deeply as do the painful and sad ones.

Lord, allow me the ability to provide security, joy, and laughter to my little one. Deliver me from loneliness and despair. Teach me to trust in Your goodness as I walk into the unknown. I have no one but You to hold onto. Grant me the strength to hold on...

Motivation

This is a very well known concept: anything that is worth it requires work. A relationship with Jesus, marriage, family, a cozy home, a nice body, financial security. Did I list my priorities just now? You better believe I went back and added that first one onto the list. At any rate, are humans the only entity in the universe that lose motivation and crumble and decay? And the mass suicide of lemmings does not count since it's a misconception of their migratory behavior (just looked it up). Even if it wasn't, active suicide seems more motivational than passive decay.

I am sure somewhere in nature, there is an example of lack of motivation. However, the problem specifically lies in me and I need help cultivating motivation. Okay, now I've lost motivation to even complete this entry! I realize the work that is required for above mentioned list is gainful/rewarding/giving a return. Is it because I am unable to get a taste or see a glimpse of the result? Is that reality to first be able to taste and see before conjuring up the motivation to reach the goal? Were we supposed to have tasted/seen a glimpse of heaven to know that we have something wonderful to look forward to? I must have missed the presentation on that. Or another loony idea is that we have to trust in the potential - believe in the unseen/intangible product of our work to motivate us. What an unsavory negative attitude I have, it's admittedly sickening.

Sure, the journey is what's important, not the end result...but again it's the motivation to continue the journey that is floundering. I feel dim. When instead I wish to "shine bright like a diamond" LOL. The end.