February 4, 2010
Sabotage
If something is easily attained, it's hardly even worth it. Why am I always facing temptations? I serve no purpose in trying to help others find truth and meaning when I can't even get a grip on my own life. Something about being a "scape-goat" in family dynamics, it's nigh time I sabotage the good things in my life. I'm sorry, I'm just so sorry. I need a miracle.
February 3, 2010
Grave
I have to die to myself. Meaning I have to stop seeking instant gratification. "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." It's disappointing to know that I don't have enough faith to allow God to be in control. I end up making rash decisions fueled by alcohol which leave me buried deeper in the grave I've dug for myself.
Interestingly enough, I found this article which describes my impulsive, impatient nature. "People want material objects, relationships, or even success as soon as possible and because they aren’t patient enough to wait for their desires, they lose their own happiness in the process." I would say a lot of truth rings in this statement. Now to get my act together and wait patiently for God to lead me...it's easier said than done.
Interestingly enough, I found this article which describes my impulsive, impatient nature. "People want material objects, relationships, or even success as soon as possible and because they aren’t patient enough to wait for their desires, they lose their own happiness in the process." I would say a lot of truth rings in this statement. Now to get my act together and wait patiently for God to lead me...it's easier said than done.
February 2, 2010
German beer
I have three days off including today. I feel strange and anxious because I've never had so many days off like this before. Of course it's all because I didn't call my preceptor over the weekend to schedule my clinical. I have a feeling she works weekends...that may be a good thing for me. My very important exit exam, the HESI, is on March 29 after spring break, and I've got to nail my butt down to a chair and study for it. I've never been good with time management and so this is an issue. I guess this week I can try to make an appointment with my school therapist. I need to get a lot of bottled up shit out...I'm only going because it's free. At least the first six sessions are.
By the way, I totally lied on my drugs and alcohol evaluation. I probably do need the counseling.
By the way, I totally lied on my drugs and alcohol evaluation. I probably do need the counseling.
February 1, 2010
Fuck
Apparently we are expected to do everything independently this semester after having had rigid schedules and restrictions all throughout nursing school. Time management and a go-get-'em attitude - I am totally and utterly boned.
January 30, 2010
January 28, 2010
Low expectations
It turned out I had a lot of free time yesterday evening since I didn't tutor Isaac. I was in the middle of cooking a ravioli dinner hours before Danish would have gotten home when Loni called me in tears. She kicked her cheating boyfriend out of her house and needed some emotional support. I left the kitchen a complete mess, grabbed some work clothes for Danish (as I anticipated we would spend the night), and drove to McKinney with a half bottle of vodka stowed away in the backseat.
Giving advice is not my forte, and I try to stay away from it. BUT sometimes I am compelled to offer my two cents in hopes to bring realization to these suffering girls! It seems expectations are low (if they exist at all) and these random losers come out of God knows where, effortlessly make their way into the lives of my amazing friends, treat them like garbage, and leave them with broken hearts. GAH!!!
Of course I didn't get a wink of sleep, so today my hangover is intensified by the cloud of thoughts and concerns I have for my friends. I wish I knew how to help them, but they don't want to listen to me because I'm already happily married so what would I know.
Giving advice is not my forte, and I try to stay away from it. BUT sometimes I am compelled to offer my two cents in hopes to bring realization to these suffering girls! It seems expectations are low (if they exist at all) and these random losers come out of God knows where, effortlessly make their way into the lives of my amazing friends, treat them like garbage, and leave them with broken hearts. GAH!!!
Of course I didn't get a wink of sleep, so today my hangover is intensified by the cloud of thoughts and concerns I have for my friends. I wish I knew how to help them, but they don't want to listen to me because I'm already happily married so what would I know.
January 27, 2010
Yoke
Hi, how are you Blog? This semester has started off as rough and bumpy as it ended last year. As much as I hate "taking care of business" I know it has to be done. What's discouraging is that a lot of it requires patience as it can't be accomplished instantaneously. I feel burdened. I wonder what it would feel like to lose a ton of weight...like on those billboards and magazine advertisements where some fatty loses 100 pounds and their lives are changed forever. It must be refreshing to lose that burden.
My lovely friend Angie got married at the courthouse this past weekend! She is planning a destination wedding in Mexico later this year. She went ahead and legally got married since the marriage in Mexico won't be recognized here. I'm so happy for her. I mean, it's weird too. Growing up. Not to mention I feel concerned for the rest of my friends who seem anxious for their turn. Should I not feel that way? I think it's a subconscious thing...nevertheless, I'm praying for Meagan who told me she doesn't even know what she wants in a man; she just expects every guy she dates to magically become Mr. Right. It's important to have expectations and really tell God about them because He listens.
Danish has no time for me. He works full-time, is in grad school, has band practice, and now he has signed up for an ultimate frisbee team. It makes me sad because the only time I see him is for about an hour right before we both pass out for the night. I say I need to learn how to cook, but I don't even have the opportunity to cook for him since he's never around. Speaking of which, I gave steak another chance. This time I marinated it in some herb mixture, wrapped it in aluminum foil, and tossed it in the oven to bake! The results were that it turned out with more of a brisket texture instead of steak, but it tasted pretty decent. I find it interesting how these meats just shrink in the oven...what am I doing wrong? They just shrink up; they're almost half the size of the original, uncooked meat.
Today I go to Denton to make another school ID and get my second TB test because I forgot to get mine read last week. Freaking waste. Because of this immunization delay, I can't participate in today's hospital orientation and must make up those hours in clinicals, which is fine. I figure I will need those extra hours anyway for the experience. Can you believe I'll be graduating this May? I'll be entering the work force and making money. It's very surreal to me. I know that all this "business" I'm having to deal with will make it that much more worth it in the end. I know that's why I have this burden, I know that it's given to me so I can just give it up to God, I know that it's all a test to show my faith, I know that this will all pass, I know I'll be a better person for it. I know! Jesus says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." That is nice.
My lovely friend Angie got married at the courthouse this past weekend! She is planning a destination wedding in Mexico later this year. She went ahead and legally got married since the marriage in Mexico won't be recognized here. I'm so happy for her. I mean, it's weird too. Growing up. Not to mention I feel concerned for the rest of my friends who seem anxious for their turn. Should I not feel that way? I think it's a subconscious thing...nevertheless, I'm praying for Meagan who told me she doesn't even know what she wants in a man; she just expects every guy she dates to magically become Mr. Right. It's important to have expectations and really tell God about them because He listens.
Danish has no time for me. He works full-time, is in grad school, has band practice, and now he has signed up for an ultimate frisbee team. It makes me sad because the only time I see him is for about an hour right before we both pass out for the night. I say I need to learn how to cook, but I don't even have the opportunity to cook for him since he's never around. Speaking of which, I gave steak another chance. This time I marinated it in some herb mixture, wrapped it in aluminum foil, and tossed it in the oven to bake! The results were that it turned out with more of a brisket texture instead of steak, but it tasted pretty decent. I find it interesting how these meats just shrink in the oven...what am I doing wrong? They just shrink up; they're almost half the size of the original, uncooked meat.
Today I go to Denton to make another school ID and get my second TB test because I forgot to get mine read last week. Freaking waste. Because of this immunization delay, I can't participate in today's hospital orientation and must make up those hours in clinicals, which is fine. I figure I will need those extra hours anyway for the experience. Can you believe I'll be graduating this May? I'll be entering the work force and making money. It's very surreal to me. I know that all this "business" I'm having to deal with will make it that much more worth it in the end. I know that's why I have this burden, I know that it's given to me so I can just give it up to God, I know that it's all a test to show my faith, I know that this will all pass, I know I'll be a better person for it. I know! Jesus says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." That is nice.
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