“Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.”

- Fyodor Dostoevsky 

I'm here

And it's just the beginning but maybe I'll make it after all. I miss the Texas heat, the laughter of my friends, the comfort of familiarity. But this place seems to quietly beckon me in subtle ways. We sat out in the backyard at dusk, with the dogs and the baby and the fireflies, and a sense of peace came over me. I can't explain it - no one can. But I know deep inside our love for one another will prevail, and most importantly God's love for both of us will prevail and we're going to make it. 

Life's difficulties, it's all a test...to refine us, to sanctify us, to prepare us for eternity. It's a blessing to have them and overcome them with the power of God alone so all glory goes to Him. I'm not there yet. Neither of us are. We have our weaknesses, sin's seductive embrace seems too much to resist...hoping to practice the fear of The Lord...and to understand more of His mercy and love. 

Wet blanket

Amnesia of the heart

God desires for us to come to Him with everything. He being our Creator knows us intimately, even more so than we know ourselves. These words are found in the Bible. What keeps me from drawing closer to Him is not only the shame of my shortcomings but a general laziness and unwillingness to obey. I wish God would deliver me from troubles without any effort on my part. And the reality is He has on so many occasions! I have amnesia of any and all good things in my life. Exasperated sigh. 

The instructions of the Lord are perfect, reviving the soul. The decrees of the Lord are trustworthy, making wise the simple. The commandments of the Lord are right, bringing joy to the heart. The commands of the Lord are clear, giving insight for living. Reverence for the Lord is pure, lasting forever. The laws of the Lord are true; each one is fair. They are more desirable than gold, even the finest gold. They are sweeter than honey, even honey dripping from the comb. They are a warning to your servant, a great reward for those who obey them. How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart? Cleanse me from these hidden faults. Keep your servant from deliberate sins! Don’t let them control me. Then I will be free of guilt and innocent of great sin. May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer. (Psalms 19:7-14 NLT)

Fart in the wind

Come now, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit"— yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, "If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that." (James 4:13-15 ESV)

Lord, if it is in Your will give me the wisdom and ability to be joyful.

Path of stones

Sadly I FEEL as though God continues to test me without allowing rest. I know He provides rest and blah blah blah. When things seem to gradually fall into place...I am made to suffer yet another long journey of faith. My negative attitude paints my life into a dreary picture of sorrow instead of a bright, hopeful piece of art reflecting the Artist. The carving of my character is painful...no one can tell me otherwise because it's my pain to bear. What may be a mild honing for others is a mauling for me. It's just my temperament...I can't change that.

Now I'm definitely not stating that these tests of faith are unnecessary...they are absolutely necessary to prepare me for eternity. God loves me so greatly that He continues to refine me so that I can partake in His glory. But how much more whittling down can I take? Will I only become a mere sliver of myself, "Christ-like" in all other ways? Clearly I am having identity issues...if I am a child of God yet we are to be Christ-like, is my very own nature garbage? Is my entire nature sinful garbage? I should desire to be Christ-like so I what am I holding onto? My identity should be in Christ...but I guess I am still blinded to what that may be.

Hence my dragging feet into the next paved road of blessings I am unwilling to discover. I have bathed in blessings after a long, arduous journey...but my memory fails me. All I can do is to pray for those marvelous, fine memories of redemption to cut me as sharply and deeply as do the painful and sad ones.

Lord, allow me the ability to provide security, joy, and laughter to my little one. Deliver me from loneliness and despair. Teach me to trust in Your goodness as I walk into the unknown. I have no one but You to hold onto. Grant me the strength to hold on...