Anguish

I love Danish so much I want to kill myself because I don't want to burden him. Why can't I just be sane?!

Freak

I am a freak. I seem to have frequent bouts of amnesia and completely forget all the effort Danish puts toward our marriage - mainly the love language he speaks to me. How wonderful would it be if my brain had selective amnesia and I could forget the details of the affair. To be honest, I'm not sure why I'm more pissed at fucking bitch Tressie than I am with Danish. It would be easier if I were upset with Danish since he is doing everything he can to alleviate and remedy the situation. He is just trying to live his life! She is just trying to live her life! Everyone has moved on...why can't I? This has been a traumatizing ordeal and my confidence has been violently shaken...I don't know if I can recover from this. I've asked to be bombarded with affection but it's impossible for him to do - for anyone to do. I just don't feel loved enough! I will always believe he cared about her more than he cares about me. It's selfish of me to ask more of him as he is giving all that he can. I know he is giving all that he can and he is doing so well...but I wonder if he's sincere and if he's holding back or not. I unfortunately cannot read his mind and apparently he is not a man of words (although for her there were plenty). I am an idiot, a freak. I hate myself with a passion.

Poignant

Because I have a tendency to forget the good things, I will document every sweet gesture from Danish - big or small - in efforts to forget the sad and hurtful past and strive toward a fulfilling relationship. Apparently the ways in which I feel loved include words of affirmation ("I love you, You are beautiful") and physical touch (hugs, strokes, and kisses).

Today in church, he held my hand during prayer.

You know about Jesus of Nazareth and how God poured out on him the Holy Spirit and power. He went everywhere, doing good and healing all who were under the power of the Devil, for God was with him. We are witnesses of everything that he did in the land of Israel and in Jerusalem. Then they put him to death by nailing him to a cross. But God raised him from death three days later and caused him to appear, not to everyone, but only to the witnesses that God had already chosen, that is, to us who ate and drank with him after he rose from death. And he commanded us to preach the gospel to the people and to testify that he is the one whom God has appointed judge of the living and the dead. All the prophets spoke about him, saying that all who believe in him will have their sins forgiven through the power of his name.” (Acts 10:38-43 GNT)

Words are like bullets

I have written several love letters to my darling, but have yet to receive one from him.

La Folle ou La Monomane de l'envie

Jealousy

Every step that I take in the right direction is off-set by the sparse textual communication with him. He was hasty to burn the phone records which evidenced the sheer fervor of the affair. A man of few romantic/affectionate words exchanged 6,000 text messages back and forth with another woman. Was the content that exhilarating? Is lust the greatest of sins? Am I not a candidate for fervor/passion/affection? Some things are difficult to accept, impossible to fathom. I would love to be content with familiar/everyday. After all, two souls grow old together and mundane is quite the noble characteristic. I know my happiness will wither altogether if this jealousy continues...Of course I wouldn't mind if I could just wither...altogether.