I'm sorry

I go from starry-eyed to crestfallen in zero to sixty. It's exhausting. 

Lesson

"Many people turn away from me when they are exhausted. They associate me with duty and diligence, so they try to hide from my presence when they need a break from work. How this saddens me! As I spoke through my prophet Isaiah: in returning to me and resting in me you shall be saved; in quiet and trust shall be your strength." - Jesus Calling

Turn towards Him, not away. Why a concept!

R-tard

I hope to God, Jesus, Buddha, Joseph Smith, Santa, the Spaghetti Monster in the Sky, whoever and whatever - that I don't fuck this up. Because he means so much to me. Oh, and more importantly, because it's time to grow the fuck up. 

“Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.”

- Fyodor Dostoevsky 

I'm here

And it's just the beginning but maybe I'll make it after all. I miss the Texas heat, the laughter of my friends, the comfort of familiarity. But this place seems to quietly beckon me in subtle ways. We sat out in the backyard at dusk, with the dogs and the baby and the fireflies, and a sense of peace came over me. I can't explain it - no one can. But I know deep inside our love for one another will prevail, and most importantly God's love for both of us will prevail and we're going to make it. 

Life's difficulties, it's all a test...to refine us, to sanctify us, to prepare us for eternity. It's a blessing to have them and overcome them with the power of God alone so all glory goes to Him. I'm not there yet. Neither of us are. We have our weaknesses, sin's seductive embrace seems too much to resist...hoping to practice the fear of The Lord...and to understand more of His mercy and love. 

Wet blanket

Amnesia of the heart

God desires for us to come to Him with everything. He being our Creator knows us intimately, even more so than we know ourselves. These words are found in the Bible. What keeps me from drawing closer to Him is not only the shame of my shortcomings but a general laziness and unwillingness to obey. I wish God would deliver me from troubles without any effort on my part. And the reality is He has on so many occasions! I have amnesia of any and all good things in my life. Exasperated sigh. 

The instructions of the Lord are perfect, reviving the soul. The decrees of the Lord are trustworthy, making wise the simple. The commandments of the Lord are right, bringing joy to the heart. The commands of the Lord are clear, giving insight for living. Reverence for the Lord is pure, lasting forever. The laws of the Lord are true; each one is fair. They are more desirable than gold, even the finest gold. They are sweeter than honey, even honey dripping from the comb. They are a warning to your servant, a great reward for those who obey them. How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart? Cleanse me from these hidden faults. Keep your servant from deliberate sins! Don’t let them control me. Then I will be free of guilt and innocent of great sin. May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer. (Psalms 19:7-14 NLT)