January 9, 2012 10:08 AM

Good morning! Last night one of my patients coded and died! One moment he was alive and asking for a remote control, the next moment he was unresponsive - we did everything but he didn't make it. It really made me think about how short this life is and how everything we do counts for something eternally. I've forgiven you and will continue to forgive you for what you've done to me. It's time to give myself a relief from this darkness and be happy. I hope you also find joy in this life one day. Good luck with everything, Danish. I loved you with every fiber of my being but I now realize that the person I fell in love with is not here anymore and the person who replaced him is someone I have nothing in common with. I've reached out passionately for 4 and a half months but there is no connection because you're not him, you're someone completely different. There is not a spark in this person and it's futile to work towards creating a fire. I still don't understand why God had to take him away, but I know He is infinitely wise and compassionate and there is something wonderful for me in the future. This is my emotional closure from this relationship. He was the love of my life, my soul mate...I know it wasn't just what I did to cause him to disappear, for some reason God took him away from me. Although I wish I could have him back, it's not in His plan for me and I will always love him and will miss him greatly. My mind has nothing but wonderful memories of him and it will remain that way till I die. I will tell Hannah how wonderful her Daddy WAS without letting her know what happened to him. I will make sure she knows what kind of man her Daddy WAS so she will grow up confident knowing she is the child of someone worth admiring. God works in mysterious ways and the only way I can have peace about this is to let Him work in my life without me dying trying to comprehend. I must learn to accept that my finite mind cannot wrap around His infinite wisdom. I don't know or understand and am unbelievably sad that this is over, but God knows what's in store for the rest of my life - romantic life included - and that's good enough for me. Maybe I will meet his soul again in another vessel, that would be marvelous!

Danish's muse,

Grace

I was wild - in troth I might go yet farther and say VERY wild, though 'twas a wildness of an innocent sort, since it hurt none but me, brought shame to none, nor loss, nor had in it any taint of crime or baseness, or what might not beseem mine honourable degree.

- Mark Twain, The Prince and the Pauper

Am I good for you now?

I always believed we were artists/poets/romanticists...I know you believed that, too. But these days I don't see that in you. I remember you saying the longing may disappear with me becoming good - what was once unattainable is now going nowhere. Suddenly the chase is over and you have me now. I search desperately in your eyes to see if there is still passion; instead I sense a quiet disinterest masked by the tiredness of everyday. I'm quite sure I've managed to extinguish the fire inside you with years of bad behavior. I realize part of you has died, but which part? I fear your introspective, sensitive, inspired self has died with the frenzied, irresponsible hellion I used to be. Although I love you very much, I miss the way you used to be...I mournfully regret not embracing your thoughts and poetry. How did I overlook that? Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm overlooking something else that is invaluable in you presently. Maybe it was that we were both loose cannons in the past, and now we can both be good...maybe now we can write poetry about one another.

Myth

Drifting in and out
You see the road you're on
It came rolling down your cheek
You say just what you mean
And in between it's never as it seems

Help me to name it
Help me to name it

If you built yourself a myth
You'd know just what to give
What comes after this
Momentary bliss
The consequence of what you do to me

Help me to name it
Help me to name it

Found yourself in a new direction
Arrows falling from the sun
Canyon calling would they come to greet you
Let you know you're not the only one

Can't keep hanging on
To what is dead and gone
If you built yourself a myth
You'd know just what to give
Materialize
Or let the ashes fly

Help me to name it
Help me to name it

Trees and hills

Lord, please give my husband the trees and hills he so desires. Please bless him with abundant growth in his life...bless him infinitely more than he could ask or think. Breathe refreshing strength into him and guide his every step with grace.

"Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy." Psalm 126:5

Sad days

Why is it so much easier to be hurtful and hateful than loving and encouraging? How is it that we both lack these good qualities and are proficient destroyers of one another? I waited and swore and cried an ocean while abandoned...all for what? Will I have the patience to continue on with this so-called marriage? If divorce is not an option, will God equip me with the ability to endure this lonely and hurtful time once again? Even as he is passionless, directionless, perpetually dissatisfied with his own life, I am called to submit. I made a covenant with God to do so...will He honor it?

A million miles

It saddens me to know that if it wasn't for the wonderful child, we wouldn't be together.