January 6, 2012
For Hannah and me
"Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:7-9 NIV)
Comforting sounds
When I thought about my love life, I thought I would be with someone who made me feel like no one else mattered ever. I thought I would be with someone who had goals and aspirations and knew what needed to be done to get to where he needed to be. I thought we would share our thoughts and dreams of the house and life and children and endless adventures in our future. I thought I would be romantically proposed to with a beautiful engagement ring. I thought I would be led spiritually by a man who prayed for me and our children at every moment. I thought I would be with someone who understood love and forgiveness and placed his trust in the Lord. I thought I would be with someone who wanted to protect me and our children from harm's way. I thought I would be with someone who had hope in dark times.
This relationship taught me so many life lessons. I grew up with Danish and I've matured in a way I would've never imagined. I've learned that while I desired those things in someone I fell in love with, I too must strive to be those things to the person falling in love with me. I am ready and able - READY AND ABLE - but Danish does not want to give me another chance. And although this relationship is coming to a permanent end, I know my future is bright because I have confidence of being these things to someone new. Hope.
This relationship taught me so many life lessons. I grew up with Danish and I've matured in a way I would've never imagined. I've learned that while I desired those things in someone I fell in love with, I too must strive to be those things to the person falling in love with me. I am ready and able - READY AND ABLE - but Danish does not want to give me another chance. And although this relationship is coming to a permanent end, I know my future is bright because I have confidence of being these things to someone new. Hope.
January 5, 2012
I feel as though part of me has died and the only way to revive it is if he loved me back. He says he also feels dead inside, he doesn't realize I'm still here wanting desperately to fill that void. But I can't. It's between him and God. This sudden profound carnage of his upright character saddens the whole world. I clutch Hannah tightly against me, waiting for the Lord to move in him...waiting to see His glory shine radiantly through this dark and funereal time for both of us.
January 4, 2012
Praying
Tonight I wrapped Hannah up in a blanket and went on a walk. The night was cool and the air felt fresh. I prayed out loud so Hannah can hear the voice of a praying mother. I prayed for God's will to be done. I prayed that whatever the outcome was, that this would not be just another event under the sun. I prayed praises to the Lord, how we worship a magnificent, powerful God who is love. I prayed my faith in that He will not harm us and the events that take place in each of our lives are to show His glory. I prayed that all this would not be in vain...that whether Daniel and I are together or not, lives will be changed with our story and people will see God's glory. I prayed my sorrows of the most devastating thing that has happened to me and for it not to be taken lightly by our Lord. I prayed my fears of not having my prayers answered. I prayed for the bundle in my arms whom God has entrusted me with...for her protection and for her to one day pray like this as well.
Our God is all-knowing, all-powerful, sovereign over all, compassionate, and faithful. That is to whom I prayed tonight, and because of that I have hope in my heart.
Our God is all-knowing, all-powerful, sovereign over all, compassionate, and faithful. That is to whom I prayed tonight, and because of that I have hope in my heart.
Divorce
"It's true we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives."
He had an affair and now has already filed for divorce without even telling me. I know there is valuable wisdom to gain on the other side of this, but it's impossible to see in perspective as this seems to be a never ending nightmare. He says he doesn't mind if Hannah calls another man "Daddy" although he still wants to be in her life. I'm overwhelmed with confusion and heartbreak as I'm still madly in love with him, but he doesn't feel the same. I know the chances if him having a change of heart are slim to none, but I'm sadly still praying for a miracle. Two years ago, the year ended with a wedding. Last year ended with a pregnancy. And this past year ends with a divorce.
He had an affair and now has already filed for divorce without even telling me. I know there is valuable wisdom to gain on the other side of this, but it's impossible to see in perspective as this seems to be a never ending nightmare. He says he doesn't mind if Hannah calls another man "Daddy" although he still wants to be in her life. I'm overwhelmed with confusion and heartbreak as I'm still madly in love with him, but he doesn't feel the same. I know the chances if him having a change of heart are slim to none, but I'm sadly still praying for a miracle. Two years ago, the year ended with a wedding. Last year ended with a pregnancy. And this past year ends with a divorce.
January 1, 2012
In this song, I am Romeo
A lovestruck Romeo sings the streets a serenade
Laying everybody low with a love song that he made
Finds a street light, steps out of the shade
Says something like, "You and me babe, how about it?"
Juliet says, "Hey it's Romeo, you nearly gave me a heart attack"
He's underneath the window, she's singing, "Hey la, my boyfriend's back
You shouldn't come around here, singing up at people like that"
Anyway, what you gonna do about it?
Juliet, the dice was loaded from the start,
And I bet, then you exploded in my heart,
And I forget, I forget, the movie song
When you gonna realize, it was just that the time was wrong, Juliet?
Come up on different streets, they both were streets of shame,
Both dirty, both mean, yes and the dream was just the same,
And I dreamed your dream for you, and now your dream is real
How can you look at me as if I was just another one of your deals?
Well you can fall for chains of silver, you can fall for chains of gold
You can fall for pretty strangers and the promises they hold
You promised me everything, you promised me thick and thin yeah
Now you just say, "Oh Romeo, yeah, you know I used to have a scene with him"
Juliet, when we made love you used to cry
You said "I love you like the stars above, I'll love you till I die"
There's a place for us, you know the movie song
When you gonna realize, it was just that the time was wrong, Juliet?
I can't do the talk like the talk on the TV
And I can't do a love song, like the way it's meant to be
I can't do everything, but I'll do anything for you
I can't do anything except be in love with you
And all I do is miss you, and the way we used to be
All I do is keep the beat, the bad company
And all I do is kiss you, through the bars of a rhyme
Juliet, I'd do the stars with you, anytime
Ah Juliet, when we made love you used to cry
You said I love you like the stars above, I'll love you till I die
There's a place for us, you know the movie song
When you gonna realize, it was just that the time was wrong, Juliet?
And a lovestruck Romeo he sings the streets a serenade
Laying everybody low, with a love song that he made
Find a convenient streetlight, steps out of the shade
And says something like, "You and me babe, how about it?"
"You and me babe, how about it?"
Laying everybody low with a love song that he made
Finds a street light, steps out of the shade
Says something like, "You and me babe, how about it?"
Juliet says, "Hey it's Romeo, you nearly gave me a heart attack"
He's underneath the window, she's singing, "Hey la, my boyfriend's back
You shouldn't come around here, singing up at people like that"
Anyway, what you gonna do about it?
Juliet, the dice was loaded from the start,
And I bet, then you exploded in my heart,
And I forget, I forget, the movie song
When you gonna realize, it was just that the time was wrong, Juliet?
Come up on different streets, they both were streets of shame,
Both dirty, both mean, yes and the dream was just the same,
And I dreamed your dream for you, and now your dream is real
How can you look at me as if I was just another one of your deals?
Well you can fall for chains of silver, you can fall for chains of gold
You can fall for pretty strangers and the promises they hold
You promised me everything, you promised me thick and thin yeah
Now you just say, "Oh Romeo, yeah, you know I used to have a scene with him"
Juliet, when we made love you used to cry
You said "I love you like the stars above, I'll love you till I die"
There's a place for us, you know the movie song
When you gonna realize, it was just that the time was wrong, Juliet?
I can't do the talk like the talk on the TV
And I can't do a love song, like the way it's meant to be
I can't do everything, but I'll do anything for you
I can't do anything except be in love with you
And all I do is miss you, and the way we used to be
All I do is keep the beat, the bad company
And all I do is kiss you, through the bars of a rhyme
Juliet, I'd do the stars with you, anytime
Ah Juliet, when we made love you used to cry
You said I love you like the stars above, I'll love you till I die
There's a place for us, you know the movie song
When you gonna realize, it was just that the time was wrong, Juliet?
And a lovestruck Romeo he sings the streets a serenade
Laying everybody low, with a love song that he made
Find a convenient streetlight, steps out of the shade
And says something like, "You and me babe, how about it?"
"You and me babe, how about it?"
Happy New Year
First time in 7 years to face it alone. I wish with all my heart that he would change his mind about divorcing me. I love him so much it hurts.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)