I digress

I used to be close to The Lord. How I've wandered in complacency during smooth waters and clear skies. I yearn for the passion and trust I had in Him...to be able to hide inside His wings when storms of anguish would pour upon me. Instead I take His name in vain and scoff at the luxuries I've been given...just like the Israelites. I need to return to dwelling on His Word so as to remember the countless times He has redeemed me...just like the Israelites. 

Swallowing my own venom

I bite my tongue and inject poison into my system. Its slow-eating, creeping effect is like acid erosion from the inside out. I try to maintain composure, smile and nod and even laugh occasionally.  I have to, I have no other choice. But even as I try, my ugly insides cannot remain clothed, encased. The festering is obvious and annoying. I'm a monster, infecting myself over and over again with the very poison I myself have created. The recycling of poison in my system manifests as the nagging, insatiable, tormentous wife who tears down hopes and dreams. I look on with dull, listless eyes to the earnestness and titillation springing forth from your shoulders; the me behind my face screams with shame and apology for the way I am, but it doesn't crack the exterior of detachment, dispassion, or disdain. I leave God to smite this wretched, vile soul of mine for there is nothing else left for Him to do. 

Not quite

Undeserving

God chose very well for me despite my unworthiness. Thank you Lord for my husband. 

"Daddy is mad"

I have no words to describe my disappointment. In myself, mostly. If I could keep myself as far away from him, maybe I won't remember the way back. Then going our separate ways won't feel so bad. Because the closer I try to get to him, the more painful the burn of rejection is. Sadly, he doesn't understand. Even this when he reads it, is nothing but trash. 

Nothing pisses me off more than realizing something that is common sense known by most intelligent people...